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Korean teddy bear and all-around lovable guy, Kim Jong Il died at 9.

"I'm So Ronery. So ronery. So ronery and sadry arone"

While the highly secretive government is not likely to ever tell us how he actually died, Ghoul Pool sources on the ground in North Korea tell us that his last words were, “Oh no!  Not Hans Brix!”  (Many Bothans died for this information.)

Il will be remembered as the loving leader who built up his military to benevolently protect his ravenous people.  “Without protection, there is no food.” He was fond of telling his masses, who enjoyed one of the two.

One member of his proletariat known only as “Ma Otter” was quoted as saying “The fact that he didn’t leave us with much really dosn’t seem to matter.”  To which her son, Emmet, was overheard to mumble, “I don’t know Ma, I haven’t eaten in three days.”

Of course, Il’s view of how his people ate was skewed by his big, fat son and successor: Kim Jong Un.

"I don't wanna lead my people, I wanna Hot Pocket!"

And now the chunky kid is runnin’ the joint.  As his first act, Un decreed that the palace be filled chock-a-block with Cheetos.   Or at least the North Korean counterpart to Cheetos: Crunchy Yum Yum Artificial Cheese Powdered Snack.  “The snack that will make you obey.”

Next, he made sure that a DVD player be installed in the back of the Presidential SUV so he can watch his bootlegs of “Ren & Stimpy” while being driven around in slovenly comfort.

This hiot goes to The Walls of Jerica, who are on fire this week!  I don’t know, but if I were Terik Aziz, I’d be quakin’ in my sandals right about now!

Happy Pooling and Merry Christmas,

SPMI

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