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Rev. Moon is shown here explaining that there are only three things left in the world that his church does not own.

Church founder and businessman (I apologize for the repetition there) Sun Myung Moon died at the spry age of 92.

Moon spread his word of unifying Christians and mass arranged marriages through airports all around the world.

Not to fret, the church will be taken over by his sons, Han, Hyung Jin, and Kook Jin Moon.  This will not be the first time a church will be run by a Kook…. Man if that word were cooler, that joke would be so much funnier.  If only his name was Putz Jin Moon, or Douchebag Jin Moon…. But I digress…

Moon claimed that Jesus appeared to him when he was 15 and asked him to accomplish the work left unfinished after his crucifixion.  Because why send the son of God to do a job that some 15 year old Korean boy can do?

Since then, Moon worked to unite all Christian faiths together as one.  Oddly enough, a spokesman came out ad said that he accomplished his mission.  “Except for those damn Eastern Orthodox,” the spokesman added flippantly.  “Those guys are just plain crazy.”

Moon’s holdings, well, his churches holdings, included

  • The conservative Washington Times (damn, Jesus is conservative)
  • They are the largest supplier of Sushi to the United Sates (Jesus wants you to eat raw fish)
  • It manages the top Asian ballet company (Jesus wants some culture)
  • The largest Asian helicopter plant (Jesus was a HUGE “Airwolf” fan)
  • The only automobile-manufacturing plant in North Korea, Pyeonghwa Motors, which makes, among other makes, Fiat and Mercedes cars (Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz).
  • The New Yorker Hotel (because nothing unites Christians than the dumpiest hotel in all of Manhattan)

The church’s economic interests include the petrochemical industry, avia carriers, automobile industry, yacht building, construction of golf courses, Hollywood, energy drinks, non-ferrous metallurgy, and banking.

So, Jesus wants you to burn oil by either flying, driving or taking your yacht to the golf course where you cut a movie deal over a Red Bull on the 10th green using irons that contain no iron and deposit the cash from your deal into their bank.

At least, that’s what I get.  I’ ain’t no theologist.

This hit goes to: The Walls of Jerica!  Yes, their lead surges to 180 points, now 20 points ahead of Carol!  But it won’t take much – on 80-year-old sit-com character bits it, and we have a tie!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Again, I rind you: Draft Day is Saturday, October 3rd, get those lists ready!

 Current Standings:

The Walls of Jerica: 180 (Duggar #20 – 100, Kim Jong Il – 40, John Demjanjuk – 10, Sun Myung Moon, 10)

Carol: 160 (Davy Jones – 40, Dick Clark – 20, George Lindsey – 20, Don Grady – 40, Andy Griffith – 20, Celeste Holm – 10, William Asher – 10)

Sister Mary Sheila:  140 (Christopher Hitchens – 40, Adam “MCA”Yauch – 60, Kathryn Joosten – 30,  Yitzhak Shamir – 10)

Mary: 130 (Dr. Mel Goldstein – 40, Whitney Houston – 60, Sherman Hemsley – 30)

Gianna:  110 (Bill Keane – 20, Jonathan Frid – 20, Robin Gibb – 40, Gregory Powell – 30)

Tailgating with that guy who’s still a Jackass: – 110 (Smokin’ Joe Frazier – 40, Joe Paterno – 20, Gary Carter – 50)

Pirate Jen “Occupy the Casket”:  100 (Anne McCaffrey – 20, Carroll Shelby – 20, Abdel Baset al-Megrahi – 40, Ray Bradbury – 10, Phyllis Diller)

“Imaginary” Steve: – 60 (Alan Sues – 20, Earl Scruggs – 20, Rauf Denktas – 20)

Jami “MORGAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” McFeeley: – 60 (Harry Morgan – 10, Etta James – 30, Maurice Sendak – 20)

Schelle’y: – 30 (Chuck Colson – 20, Hellen Gurley Brown – 10)

Ann B. Davis: – 20 (Mike Wallace – 10, Ann Rutherford – 10)

Sean P. McFeeley I, Your Beloved Ghoul Pool Administrator: 20 (Neil Armstrong – 20)

Nathaniel – 10 (Ernest Borgnine – 10)

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