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Former first lady, who clearly did not love her husband, my lock of the year for the past TWELVE YEARS, Nancy Reagan died at the spry age of 94.

Nancy was b-film actress (Oscar in memoriam snub, anyone?) when she met “Bedtime For Bonzo” star Ronald Reagan.  Ronnie was newly divorced (because, you know, family values and all) and was looking for a new “Mommy.”

Yes, Ronnie called Nancy “Mommy.”  I mean, that’s not fucked up or anything, according to Nancy’s astrologer.  


As dementia set in, Nancy became more and more fascinated by those mystical flying machines.

The cause of death was congestive heart failure.  Are you gonna tell me that she died of a broken heart a full twelve years after her “beloved” Ronnie?  What, did her pool boy get deported?

While the President was recuperating in the hospital after the 1981 assassination attempt, Nancy Reagan wrote in her diary, “Nothing can happen to my Ronnie. My life would be over.”

Aww, now doesn’t that sound like the sweet loving words of someone who would fucking DIE within months of their spouse?  Well, they’re not.  That are the words of a cold, uncaring bitch who knew someone else would read them in the future and she needs to keep up appearances.

As 1st lady Nancy was also known for being a social x-ray (“you could see light through her sternum”) and her utterly ineffective and pointless “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign.  

This campaign educated kids who knew that drugs are bad that… well… drugs are bad.  She thought that saying “no” would negate all other causes of drug abuse, like poverty, unemployment, the use of addictive opiates for prescriptions and stuff like that.

Lucky we had Nancy, because now the whole drug problem: solved!  All we needed was a catchphrase.  

Nancy became fearful for her husband, as any good mommy would.  But she turned to Joan Quigly, her astrologist.  Days were color-coded according to the astrologer’s advice to discern precisely which days and times would be optimal for the president’s safety and success.  I’d say that this was fucked up, but the whole “mommy” thing eclipses all the other shit.

Late in his second term, as Ronnie got more and more whimsical in the brainpan, Nancy allegedly took the reigns.  She was already exerting much influence over the President which eventually lead to Chief of Staff Donald Regan tendering his resignation.  This worked out in the end because the whole Reagan-Regan/Regan-Reagan thing was confusing as all hell.  Sam Donaldson could never get it right.  He had to keep a crib sheet in his toupee.

After Ronnie’s death, Nancy stayed active with the Republican party… well, they carted her out on a hand truck for a few conventions and used a pulley system to make it look like she was waving at the crowd.  It was all very “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

This hit goes to: Bitch, you know it’s me!  I’ve been drafting her since Ronnie died!  For twelve years, she has been my lock of the year!  Huzzah!  I’m gonna have a drink in Nancy’s name tonight!  

Remember, alcohol is a drug so:  Just say YES!

Nancy Reagan no longer continues to live!

Happy pooling,


PS: I would be remiss if I didn’t note that my brother Tom was the 1st one to break the news to me!

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 90- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!)

Joanne: 60 (Joey Feek – 60)

The Girl on Fire: 60 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Harmony: 30 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)


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