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Hockey legend, Gordie Howe died at the spry age of 88.

Howe, you ask?  He suffered from a massive stroke.   It was believed to be a breast stroke.

Gordie’s son, Marty, confirmed through a third party because from the start he was with his smarty friend Artie at Sardi’s who was reading “Moriarty.”

Howe played for the Red Wings where he led the league in scoring for six years and ranked in the top ten in league scoring for 21 consecutive years, set a league record for points in a season (95). He also won the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings four times, won six Hart Trophies, and won six Art Ross Trophies (whatever the hell they’re for).

See, that’s all impressive and stuff, but let’s not forget that he did this all… while playing hockey.  Now, I know that sounds obvious.  But: Hockey!  That is one bad-ass sport!  This ain’t no, “He-brushed-against-my-jersey-so-I-should-get-two-chances-to-make-baskets-without-anyone-blocking-me”-pussy-ass-basketball-shit.

This is hockey!  You want that puck?  Fuck you!  I’m going to physically slam you against this wall, asshole!  This sport is hardcore!  They even made a movie about just how hard-core this sport is.  And if you haven’t seen “Slap Shot,” then you’re not really a hockey fan.

In 2014, Howe had a series of strokes that led him to a trip to Tijuana [Home of all reputable medical practices] to receive stem cell treatments.  Sure, just kill a few babies so you could walk around again.  Nice one, Gordie.

The Howes were amazed how well Howe took to the treatment.  According to them, he was up and walking around the next day.  Later that week, he was even helping with the household chores.  …and they only had to kill a few babies to get it done.

I may not have a firm grasp of exactly what stem cells are… but conservative radio is against it, so it is therefore an abomination against God!

Then, he fell in love with one Edna Krabappel.

Theirs was a short tryst that consisted of only written correspondence.  She fell for him when he told her that “Truly, yours is a but that won’t quit.”  But she really melted when he added ““I like holding hands and dinner by candlelight. And oh, yes: I really hate yo-Gordie_Howeyos.”

After breaking it off with the teacher, Howe kept hearing the wind say “Edna.”  But that might have been one of his strokes.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  Yes that ass-basket gains another 20 points bringing him one hit away from triple digits.

[Apparently there was some confusion with last week’s update, so allow me to clarify: Bean is a basket that is filled with asses or at least, a basket made for the purpose of holding, collecting or transporting asses.  Where should I put all these asees?  Why, in the ass-basket, of course.  He is not a basket made of asses.  Because that would be silly.]

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 90 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Nathaniel: 10 (Alan Young – 10)

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