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Category Archives: Charity

The worst James Bond, Sir Roger Moore, died at the spry age of 89.

Moore did moore than just Bond.  he was in a shitload of things.  Few of them good.  

He did a TV show called “Ivanhoe” about gardening in Russia.  He was also in “The Alaskans” as Sneaker Palin, or was he Blanket Palin?… Tent Palin?  The show only lasted one season.  

He went on to do a season of “Maverick,” in a role that Sean Connery turned down.  He left because once Garner left, the show went to shit.  I have no reference point to tell if this is true.

From 1962 through 1969, Moore played Simon Templar in the show “The Saint.”  Now this was a decent show filled with cool capers and whatnot.  Lamentably, “The Saint” is not available for streaming, but it is available on DVD.  (For us old people who still have DVD players)

The international stardom that he got from “The Saint” propelled him to star along side Tony Curtis in the new show, “The Persuaders!”  The series, like soccer, was popular

Moore

Yeah, but everyone looks good in a tuxedo.

everywhere but the US.

Next, Moore was selected to take over for Sean Connery (the best Bond) in the James Bond series.

He brought a certain shitty wit to his Bond.  He had many one-liners that ran concurrent to the character created by Ian Fleming.  But, much in the same way that disco was popular, people ate that shit up.

He made 7 bond movies over 12 years, making him the longest Bond.  (Not longest in the penis sense because George Lazenby is hung like a horse.)

He started out OK with “Live and Let Die.”  Moved on to “The Man with the Golden Gun,” and “The Spy Who Loved Me.”  But then he did “Moonraker.”

Moonraker was inexcusable.

In 2004, Moore was voted ‘Best Bond’ in an Academy Awards poll.  The next year, they selected “Million Dollar Baby” as Best Picture.  So, picking the crappiest in the lot to win is what they often do.  (“Crash?”, “The Greatest Show on Earth?”, “Birdman?”)

Moore was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II in 2003 for “services to charity”.   Mostly for his work with UNICEF, a charity that teaches poor children in the 3rd world how to ride a unicycle.

No, not everyone believes that He was the worst Bond.  Some of us are wrong.  And one of those wrong people is Sir Jason Carifa, who requested some input on the passing of Sir Moore.  Seeing that his Bond knowledge is vastly superior to mine (with the exception of Moore being any good), I thought it best to include his input:

His first James Bond movie “Live and Let Die” was fantastic – My personal favorite. The following movies “The Man with the Golden Gun,” and “The Spy Who Loved Me,” were great.  

Moore Space

A gun?  In space?!??! Fucking NRA…

Then the Star Wars era came upon us and instead of making “For Your Eyes Only” they decided to make “Moonraker”.  Ok, so we put monkeys and people in space but for God sakes please don’t ever put James Bond is space with laser beams again.  The movie was actually decent up until they launched Moonraker 1.

Roger took a break from 007 and decided to prove to the audiences that cannonballs can run in the 1981 memorable epic summer blockbuster “The Cannonball Run” starring my pal Burt Reynolds.

In 1983 worlds collided. The greatest movie blockbusters of the year. TWO James Bond movies by TWO different actors: Roger Moore’s “Octopussy” and the immortal Sean Connery’s (He’s immortal because he drank from the cup in Indian Jones and the last crusade) “Never Say Never Again! “

Moore did his final James Bond movie at the age of 58 was “A View to a kill” . This was another personal favorite of mine. Excellent music, excellent villain. So, Daniel Craig, there is no reason to give up on the James Bond franchise you can make it 60.

Life after James Bond was quiet he had small roles in “Spice Girls” and “Boat Trip.”

Ok I admit I saw those films.

Roger Moore Trivia:

– When rehearsing for James Bond movies he would constantly blink his eyes when shooting the gun. He was not a fan of weapons. Let’s be honest you’re not shooting a 44 Magnum like Dirty Harry. You have handgun that can fit into a purse.

-He was ready to retire after “For your eyes only” so James Brolin actually did a screen test as James Bond in Octopussy.

-He was supposed to present the Oscar for best actor to Marlon Brando for The Godfather but someone by the name of “Martinsheen Littlefarter” or some shit like that came up, and we all know how that went.

-He never ordered or drank a martini in any of the James Bond movies.

-While filming “Live and Let die” Roger Moore and Jane Seymour had dysentery in Jamaica. Well that’s a shitty story……

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Their two his are Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and Roger Moore.  Will they continue to cut a swath through 80s mediocrity?

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Team Sushi: 50 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

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Pop singer, uber-hunk and public sex enthusiast, George Michael died of heart failure at the spry age of 53.  He was found dead in his bed when someone went to wake him up before they went-went.

See, last Christmas, he gave someone his heart.  This year, to save him from tears, his heart simply stopped.  So, he’s not gonna make that mistake again.

Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou (presumably in the back room of the Acropolis Diner) Michael was ½ of the duo known as Wham! In the 80s.  

[Before you crack any Andrew Ridgeley-is-a-has-been jokes, know that he retired from the spotlight and has amassed £10 million from sales and royalties of records.]

Wham! [If you don’t put in the exclamation point, you’re an asshole.] was known for “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” “Last Christmas,” and “Wham! Rap.”

Last Christmas, is currently number 16 in the UK singles chart.  It is the biggest selling

michael

George Mich— well, don’t need me to tell you.  I’m sure that you recognize dat ass.

single not to reach number one.  It never reached #1 because “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” took that spot.  Frickin’ starving Africans ruin everything.

George donated all of the royalties from “Last Christmas” to the Band-Aid charity.  

The world was shocked when Michael disclosed he was gay [Did I say “shocked?”  That might be wrong…] in 1998 after being arrested in a public toilet for engaging in a lewd act.  

The music video for the single that followed, “Outside,” featured a men’s bathroom transformed into a disco and policemen kissing.  It was soooo hot.

No word on what that lewd act was…. I’m thinking… pooping?

In 2006 and in 2008 was charged with possession of class A drugs, including crack cocaine.  (Class A meaning the good shit.  Hey, the man was rich, he’s not gonna buy class D drugs.)

In September 2010, Michael received an eight-week prison sentence following an incident in which he crashed his Range Rover into a shop in north London. He was just happy to have sex in a bathroom again.

My wife has always always been and always will be a huge George Michael fan.  I used to make fun of her mercilessly for loving such a pretty-boy, bubble-gum pop star.  I was wrong.  Over time I became more familiar with his lyrics and musical stylings and have since conceded that while I may not be a fan like my wife, I respect the genius in his work.  Yes, that is me admitting that I am wrong.  You only get to see this once every four hours, people.

Trump tweeted that George Michael’s Sports Machine was a tremendous show and that ESPN will never find such a bigly talent again.

Douche.

You know… all this reminds me of a song.  A song that goes a little something… like this…

 

Well I guess it would be nice

If they inter his body

I know not everybody

Has got a body like him

 

I guess he should have thought twice

Before he withered his heart away

With all the druggy games he played

And he got pneumonia too.

 

Oh but he needed some time off

From taking potions

Time to pick his heart up off the floor

Oh and when that crack goes down there

Without precaution

Well it takes a strong heart baby

To rebound from that and more

 

It’s the cause of death

It caused his death

It’s the cause of his death death

The cause of his death death death

 

Baby,

His fans are asking him to stay

Saying please please please don’t go away

Say he’s giving them the blues

Maybe

They need to realize he’s dead

Been dead since noon yesterday

And coming back from that is against all rules.

 

Before this obit

Went into Motion

Before his heart gave out the day before

Oh oh Jami might reconsider

Stick to her devotion

Instead she got a hit that gives her 50 points more

 

Yes you gotta have death..

Mmm, you gotta have death

‘Cause you gotta have death, death, death

You gotta hav death-a-death-a-death

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Doris Roberts was crushed by Brad Garrett on Sunday at the spry age of 90.

Roberts starred in a shitload of crap but will be remembered for her Emmy-winning role of Marie Barone, the lovingly overbearing mother to Ray Romano in “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

But seriously, she’s been in so much crap.  She was in everything from “The Taking of Pelham One Two Three,” (she played Three), “Remington Steele,” (with future James Bond, Pierce Brosnan) to “Lizzie McGuire,” (with future nobody, Hilary Duff).

Roberts won four Emmys while working on Raymond (dirty).  She was nominated seven times.  I’m guessing that she blew the wrong guys the other three years.

It was no big deal though, she already won an Emmy for her work on “St. Elsewhere,” (because she was on every-fucking-thing.

In 2006, she was on an episode of “Our House.”  Because why wouldn’t she?  She was in every-fucking-thing.

She was also in “American Playhouse,” “Mr. Belvedere,” “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman,” “33 Hours in the Life of God,” “Soap,” “If It’s Tuesday, It Still Must Be Belgium,” “Cagney & Lacey,” (my Irish fist-names), “Step by Step,” …oh, you get the

Doris Roberts

“Really, I died?  I don’t have time for this shit today.”

point.  She was in every-fucking-thing.

When reached for comment, her late co-star, Peter Boyle was quoted as saying, “Holy crap, Ray!”

An animal rights advocate, Roberts worked with the group Puppies Behind Bars, which trained young puppies to mix drinks and light the cigarettes of lonely bar flies.  (The movie “Cocktail” was loosely based on the charity’s works.)

This hit goes to: The Girl on Fire!  Mary gains another 10 points, bringing her up to 80 points.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Joanne: 70 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Writer, director, producer and co-creator of “The Simpsons,” Sam Simon, died at the spry age of 59.

Simon worked with Matt Groening on the deeply unfunny “The Tracey Ullman Show” where he helped produce cartoon commercial buffers of a family called “The Simpsons,” (known at the time as “The Only Reason to Watch ‘The Tracey Ullman Show’”).

“The Simpsons” became a spin-off that was slightly more successful than “The Tracey Ullman Show.”  The show has been on for 26 years (so far) and it was extremely funny for the first nine of those seasons.  (Seriously, Bart’s dead, just pull the plug already.)

After four years, Simon retired to enjoy his millions and millions of dollars.  He signed a deal that would make him over $10 million a year.  Just a typical one-percenter asshole.

With his time and money, Simon founded the Malibu-based Sam Simon Foundation (egotist)  which was worth nearly $23 million as of 2011 (rich asshole).

The foundation rescues hungry and stray dogs.

Oh….

Well, I’m sure he just did that to look good.  Because we all know that if you’re rich, you’re a prick.  It’s a basic fact.  It was probably just a do-nothing charity set up as a tax shelter.

When rescuing the dogs, the foundation then trains them to be service dogs, to help people with disabilities,  primarily the deaf.  It also provides a free mobile spay and neutering service for low-income pet owners, free operations for sick dogs, and trains dogs to help soldiers returning from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan deal with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Sam Simon, selling the whole "I care about dogs" thing to the IRS.

Sam Simon, selling the whole “I care about dogs” thing to the IRS.

OK,… fine, he does one good thing and we have to treat him like a saint…

His other pet charities include PETA; international nonprofit Save the Children; and the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a global marine conservation organization. His generosity led the latter in 2012 to name one of the four ships in its fleet of vessels — used to hinder whaling and illegal fishing — the M/Y Simon.

Yeah… well…  I’m sure there’s some nefarious reasoning behind this bullshit facade.  There’s some ulterior motive here.

In a 2007 interview, Simon said that his money was “well spent just for the pleasure it gives me.”

Man, it really burns me up how some of these rich assholes make it so hard to hate them…

This hit goes to: Jami!  She reclaims the lead from Bean (who gets a reprieve from being a dick) and is the first to break the triple digit barrier!

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 120 – (Diem Brown – 70, Sam Simon – 50)

Tailgating with Jesus: 90 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20, Minnie Minoso -10)

Anne: 70 – (Lesley Gore – 40, Joe Cocker – 30)

Gianna: 70 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70)

Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 40 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)

Anne: 30 – ()

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Babysitter: 20 – (Leonard Nimoy – 20)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)