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Category Archives: crime

Murderer, terrorist, polygamist, statutory rapist, and true master of the pan flute, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, died at the spry age of 45

al-Baghdadi was the leader of the Sunni Salafi jihadist militant jihadist organisation known as the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL).  

Or is it Just Islamic State (IS)?  Or is it Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) or Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS as well)?  Or is it just, check this one out: Daesh?  (Which I guess would just be “D.”  Or maybe you would call that “Sunni D.”

Man, these guys have some serious branding issues.  Their worse than “#.”
NOTE: Sunni D is not to be confused with Sunny D.  Although both are evil, it is to varying degrees.

A few weeks ago, Russia claimed to kill him.  But who listens to them?  …Oh, yeah.  He does.

Well, the Syrian Observatory has now confirmed that claim.   How astronomers are so up on who lives,  who dies and who tells your story in a war-torn area is a mystery to me.

abu-bakr-al-baghdadi

al-Baghdadi, shown hear singing “My Heart Will Go On” at the Iraqi Oscars.

 

But the organization that is confirming the kill is known as an accurate, reliable source according to The United Nations, newspaper and nongovernmental organisations.  “Generally, the information on the killings of civilians is very good, definitely one of the best,” said Neil Sammonds, a British researcher for Amnesty International.

If Wikipedia is good enough for my Ghoul Pool research, I’m gonna say that this, much more credible source holds water.

The US has not confirmed the death.  But that’s because they are whiney little bitches who are crying into their pillows, saying, “WE’RE supposed to kill him!  That’s what we do!”

Russia: first in space and first to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

Al-Baghdadi was arrested by US Forces in 2004 near Fallujah and detained at the Abu Ghraib.

You remember Abu Ghraib, right?  The place where they tortured and humiliated detainees while taking selfies?

Hmm… now I wonder why he hated America?

Now don’t get me wrong here, our awful treatment of Muslims and atrocities in places like Abu Ghraib are not a justification for the murder of hundreds of people.  The guy was definitely an evil asshole.

But why do we work so hard to make ourselves the targets of evil assholes like him?

This hit goes to: ME!  Yes, I was smart enough to pick the one guy that both the US and Russia wanted to kill.

This gives me a humble 60 points which doubles my score!  I’m now just 20 points behind the two rookie leaders!

Can this be it?!?!  Can this be my return to the shores of Ghoul Pool winnings!?!?!?!

Probably not.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 120 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 70 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Former dictator and human pineapple, Manuel Noriega died at the spry age of 83.

Noriega put the “Dick” in Dictator.  He ruled Panama in the 80s where he helped the US, helped Cuba and sold a lot of drugs.

He was known for brandishing a machete during speeches.

He lived a lavish, libertine life off drug-trade riches, complete with luxurious mansions, cocaine-fueled parties and voluminous collections of antique guns.

Most importantly, he liked to display his teddy bears dressed as paratroopers.  

pineapplepokopo

Noriega, shown here doing his impression of Dick Cheney.

Oh, how I Googled and Googled the hell out of “Manuel Noriega’s Teddy Bear Collection.”  Alas, not even a thumbnail could be found.

In 1989, George Bush #1 got tired of his antics and shenanigans, even if it did keep Crockett & Tubbs employed.

With operation “Just Cause” (a name Bush came up with at retreat called “Operation: Lame Names”) the US invaded Panama (because invading is what we do) and deposed Noriega (because deposing is what we also do.  Ain’t that right, Chile?).  

A separate operation to keep Noriega from escaping was deployed.  This was Operation “Nifty Package.”  No.  Really.  Bush got his money’s worth at that retreat.

Noriega ended up holed up in a mission set up by the Vatican.  He came in and claimed sanctuary, just like Quasimodo.

To flush him out, the US used what is called Music Torture.  A fleet of Humvees mounted with loudspeakers rolled in, and blasted music, 24 hours a day, in this densely populated area.  I believe it was Operation “Neat-o Tunes.”

The playlist included The Clash, Van Halen, U2, Bruce Cockburn, Guns-n-Roses and The Doors.

Thee Office of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff maintains that the music was used principally to prevent parabolic microphones from being used to eavesdrop on negotiations.  In other words: they lied.  Again.  It’s what they do.  (Ain’t that right, Weapons of Mass Destruction?)

After ten days of this, Noriega surrendered.  It was later noted that if country “music” was played, the standoff would have only lasted two hours.  But we couldn’t do that to the brave soldiers manning the Humvees.

Noriega then spent his time traveling the world.  He stayed in Jails in the US, France and… well, Panama.

Later that year, “Miami Vice” was then cancelled.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Then Noriega died.

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Their swath through 80s mediocrity continues!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Her name was Lola, She was a showgirl

When “Peter Gunn” was on the air, she would sing with her own flair

Was Born in Akron, Lola Jean Albright

And then she moved to be a star

To Hollywood which was so far

 

I don’t have hits galore, she’s just hit number four

I won’t win like all the others

I just want to score

I want Ghoul Pool, Ghoul Pool nirvana,

Where I can’t count my hits on one hand-a

I want Ghoul Pool, Ghoul Pool nirvana

Doc Severinsen & Harry Whittington,

For the Ghoul Pool: death from above.

 

She played a stipper

And had two albums

You’ve never heard of hide nor hair, this pick comes from out of nowhere

Albright

Greatest Hits?  She had two fucking albums!

And now she’s finished, her life is over

But Sean’s increase won’t go too far

Because of this obscure star

Just because no one knew, ‘cuz no one had a clue

Picked because she was his dog’s namesake

We ask who?  Who?  Who?

Because she’s Ghoul Pool, Ghoul Pool arcana

Not well known as Tony Danza

She is Ghoul Pool, Ghoul Pool arcana

Don’t care where hits come from as long as he got one

In the Ghoul Pool, he’ll lose again

 

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Former car thief, armed robber beautician and undisputable rock and roll legend, Chuck Berry died at the spry age of 90.

In his brash youth, Berry spent three years in reform school after a spree of car thefts and armed robbery.

When he was 18, he robbed three shops and then had to steal a getaway car.  Berry’s account in his autobiography is that his car broke down and he flagged down a passing car and stole it at gunpoint with a nonfunctional pistol.

Now, I do not endorse crime or violence on any level.  But how bad-ass was he!?!?  Damn!  Four major crimes in one day at the spry age of 18!

He straightened himself out and received a degree in hairdressing and cosmetology and worked for a time as a beautician.

OK, a little less bad-ass.

By the early 1950s, he was playing guitar and singing blues, pop standards and suffering through an occasional country tune with local combos.

berry

If it walks like a duck….

On Saturday, November 12th, 1955, Chuck’s life would change forever when he received that fateful call from his cousin: Marvin.

Marvin and his band, The Starlighters, were playing an “Enchantment Under the Sea” high school dance in Hill Valley, California.  A fill-in guitar player with early onset Parkinson’s started playing a sound that no one had heard before.  Marvin called Chuck and rock’n’roll history was born.

You could say that Chuck Berry’s influence on music was “Hyuge,” or “Tremendous.”  But you would sound like an orange idiot.

Truth is, his influence is immeasurable.  John Lennon would sneak a radio into his room so that he could pick up Chuck Berry being played from a German radio station without his Aunt Mimi finding out.

Every single rock and roll act for the next decade had been directly influenced by Berry.

Berry rocked so much harder than Coldplay could even imagine.  And don’t get me started on how much better he was than Nickelback.  Because, truthfully, aren’t we all better than Nickelback?

Johnny B. Goode,” “Maybellene,” “Roll Over Beethoven,” “Rock and Roll Music,” “Sweet Little Sixteen.”  If you do not know these songs, you need to click these links and listen to them.

Unfortunately, Chuck Berry eventually turned to television and created such crap as “The Gong Show” and “The Newlywed Game.”

This hit goes to: Mary!  Mary gets on the board with a strong 10 points: this is where she makes her move!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Doc Hayward from “Twin Peaks,” Warren Frost died at the spry age of 91.

He was found naked and wrapped in plastic along the river in his small, Northern town.  

The FBI found that a small typed letter “R” was shoved under his fingernail.  While we are not sure what this means, I’m sure all will be explained fairly soon.

You know… eventually.

The FBI sent a special agent in to investigate the death.  After filling up on a damn fine cup of coffee the FBI man is expected to spend the next two years analysing the minute details of the town, answering next to zero questions, before becoming possessed by a killer himself.

Not the best ending in the world.  But that’s how the FBI works.

Frost served in the Navy at Normandy.  No word on whether he stormed the beach himself

warren

Frost in a photo that seems oddly prophetic. 

or stayed behind on the boat.  But it doesn’t matter.  You know why:  Frost served in the fucking Navy at fucking Normandy.  Respect, bitch!

Frost was also in a few episodes of Seinfeld.  He was the father of George’s fiancee Susan Ross.  (Dear God, what an awful storyline that was.)

His character had an affair with the author John Cheever; his house was burned down by Kramer’s Cuban cigar; and his daughter was poisoned to death from licking glue from cheap wedding-invitation envelopes.

He was in five episodes.

This hit goes to: Jami!  Jami is now tied for 1st with newbie Josh!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, Devid Penrose Buckson – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Death Row inmate Terry Edwards was executed in the “great” state of (you guessed it) Texas at the spry age of 43.  Edwards was convicted of robbing a Subway with his cousin, who may have been the one to pull the trigger.

It is unclear if Edwards was a murderer or a victim of institutional racism.  And, while a shadow of doubt existed… this is Texas.

Texas has executed more people since 1976 than the next six states combined.  The death penalty is considered by many to be a deterrent from crime.  

In Texas, it is considered more of a hobby.

That’s why there’s no crime in Texas.  Because their killings scare people straight.  See,

jared-fogle

“Come to Subway.  Bring the kids!”  [You’re supposed to unwrap it before you eat it, douchebag.]

Texas is a shangrila compared to the rest of the nation.  I bet you couldn’t name one murder victim in the whole state!  Se, you couldn’t.  I’m clearly right.

Actually, Texas is right smack dab in the middle of crime rates when compared to the rest of the nation (22nd worst murder rate).  

The truth is: Texas just sucks.  On the list of places to never step foot, Texas is right there next to hell and a Nickelback concert.

Texas is the country music of the nation.  It is the Lars Von Trier movie of the nation.   The liver and onions of an otherwise delectable meal.  The Michael Bay.  The Youtube commenter.  The stepping on a lego in the middle of the night.  The burnt roof of your mouth from hot pizza.  Texas is the state that steals your lunch out of the fridge at work.  It is the Donald Trump of the nation.  [Everythings bigly in Texas.]

Edwards’ attorneys cast doubt on the fairness of the jury selection, saying that prosecutors “removed all eligible African Americans from the jury pool of 3,000 citizens and seated an all-white jury to decide the fate of an African American man charged with murdering two white people.”  

Now, there’s no way that’s coincidence.  I mean, here in Vermont, yes, that is probably a statistical reality.  But Texas has a 30% minority population.

They found a strike list that next to the names of 32 of the questioned potential jurors has a handwritten, encircled “B.”  That could stand for “black.”  Because they don’t worry about buoyancy.  

Now, there is precedent from a case of a black man convicted of killing a white woman in Georgia being unconstitutional because of the way black jurors were excluded. In that case, prosecutors marked the names of black jurors with a “B” on lists.

This the “Institutional” part of “Institutional Racism,” boys and girls.

There was no clear gunshot residue from the murder weapon on his hands.  No blood from either victim on his body or clothes.  Now, the guy went in a robbed a Subway, so not exactly a stand-up citizen.  But should you die for stealing money from the people who made Jared Fogel rich?

See, this is how our government works.  We mark the race of jurors to make sure that no darkies get a say when prosecuting one of their own.  Instead of getting to the truth, we’re happy to get alternative facts.

Edwards may have been guilty as hell.  The real problem is that we killed him without actually knowing if he was guilty as hell or not.

Edwards’ last words were “Yes, I made peace with God. I hope y’all make peace with this.”

Unfortunately, they already have.

This hit puts Josh on top with 100 points!  A rookie with triple digits 12 weeks in!  That’s pretty impressive!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Former professional wrestler Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka escaped the Trump presidency last week at the spry age of 73.

Snuka is best known for his time with the WWF (now the “WWE”… stupid fuckin’ pandas) where he introduced the “high-flying” style of wrestling.

The bastard child of Louisa Smith and Charles Thomas, Snuka was born in Figi.  Looking for a Fiji joke… looking… looooooking… aaaand I got nothin’.

Snuka’s 1st match was in 1970, against a foe whoes very name was synonymous with pain

snuka

Snuka during his Milli Vanilli audition.

and fear: Maxwell “Bunny” Butler.  Because there’s nothing more threatening than a bunny.  Well… maybe a butler.  That’s worse than calling your team The Orioles.  

In 1982, Snuka entered the WWF as a heel under the guidance of Captain Lou Albano (and,one assumes, Cyndi Lauper). Snuka lost several title shots against WWF Champion Bob Backlund (“Get you DICTIONARIES!”)  [OK, I know I’m the only one who gets that reference, but it’s just that damn funny.]

Snuka was arrested in 2015 on third-degree murder charges, of his girlfriend, Nancy Argentino, who died in 1983.  Snuka was ultimately found unfit to stand trial due to his dementia.  The charges were dismissed and Snuka died twelve days later.

It’s the old Guy-meets-girl-and-kills-her-and-is-charged-for-it-32-years-later-and-gets-off-because-his-mind-is-mush-then-he-dies-in-less-than-a-fortnight story that we’ve seen a thousand times over.  Really, he lived a cliched life.

The incident happened after a WWF TV taping in Allentown, Pennsylvania, Snuka placed a call for an ambulance from the George Washington Motor Lodge.

Talk about living the glamourous life of a professional wrestler!  You get to stay at the George-friggin’-Washington Motor Lodge!

This bastion of comfort and luxury is now a Home Depot.

This hit puts Team Sushi on the board with 30 points!  They now have ⅓ of the leader’s score!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (William Christopher – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

William Christopher, aka Father Francis Mulcahy from M*A*S*H, died at the spry age of 84.

Christopher’s plane … was shot down … over the Sea of Japan. It spun in … there were no survivors.

He and his wife met on a blind date, but they both regained their vision by the time they got married in 1957.

He was a descendant of Paul Revere, you know, they guy who became famous even though he thoroughly failed in his mission and got captured.  Sure, his name sounded good in a poem, so he gets all the credit.

He was known on set of M*A*S*H for being a truly nice guy.  They say that all of the love

christopher

An he could rock the… is tha a fedora?

and care that Father Mulcahy showed was truly how he was.

Alan Alda was a complete dick of course.

Then entire universe tuned in for the 2 ½ hour M*A*S*H series finale in 1983.  So many people watched it, it was rumored that 77% of the toilets in New York City  flushed right after the ending, shutting down the NYC sewer system.

This of course, was not true.  But man, don’t you wish it was?

Now, Christopher could have ended it all right there, with one of the most satisfying series finales in the history of television.

But no: enter AfterM*A*S*H!  The critically lambasted show ended up in 10th place of all network shows that 1st year.  Not bad.  Then they thought that AfterM*A*S*H would be able to take down Mr. T and the A-Team.

I pity the fool who takes on the T.  The show was cancelled eight episodes later.

This hit goes to Pirate!  Morrigan’s Mirror is on the board with 20 points!

Right now, both the Queen and Charles Manson are sick… I may be back soon…

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (William Christopher – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Pop singer, uber-hunk and public sex enthusiast, George Michael died of heart failure at the spry age of 53.  He was found dead in his bed when someone went to wake him up before they went-went.

See, last Christmas, he gave someone his heart.  This year, to save him from tears, his heart simply stopped.  So, he’s not gonna make that mistake again.

Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou (presumably in the back room of the Acropolis Diner) Michael was ½ of the duo known as Wham! In the 80s.  

[Before you crack any Andrew Ridgeley-is-a-has-been jokes, know that he retired from the spotlight and has amassed £10 million from sales and royalties of records.]

Wham! [If you don’t put in the exclamation point, you’re an asshole.] was known for “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” “Last Christmas,” and “Wham! Rap.”

Last Christmas, is currently number 16 in the UK singles chart.  It is the biggest selling

michael

George Mich— well, don’t need me to tell you.  I’m sure that you recognize dat ass.

single not to reach number one.  It never reached #1 because “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” took that spot.  Frickin’ starving Africans ruin everything.

George donated all of the royalties from “Last Christmas” to the Band-Aid charity.  

The world was shocked when Michael disclosed he was gay [Did I say “shocked?”  That might be wrong…] in 1998 after being arrested in a public toilet for engaging in a lewd act.  

The music video for the single that followed, “Outside,” featured a men’s bathroom transformed into a disco and policemen kissing.  It was soooo hot.

No word on what that lewd act was…. I’m thinking… pooping?

In 2006 and in 2008 was charged with possession of class A drugs, including crack cocaine.  (Class A meaning the good shit.  Hey, the man was rich, he’s not gonna buy class D drugs.)

In September 2010, Michael received an eight-week prison sentence following an incident in which he crashed his Range Rover into a shop in north London. He was just happy to have sex in a bathroom again.

My wife has always always been and always will be a huge George Michael fan.  I used to make fun of her mercilessly for loving such a pretty-boy, bubble-gum pop star.  I was wrong.  Over time I became more familiar with his lyrics and musical stylings and have since conceded that while I may not be a fan like my wife, I respect the genius in his work.  Yes, that is me admitting that I am wrong.  You only get to see this once every four hours, people.

Trump tweeted that George Michael’s Sports Machine was a tremendous show and that ESPN will never find such a bigly talent again.

Douche.

You know… all this reminds me of a song.  A song that goes a little something… like this…

 

Well I guess it would be nice

If they inter his body

I know not everybody

Has got a body like him

 

I guess he should have thought twice

Before he withered his heart away

With all the druggy games he played

And he got pneumonia too.

 

Oh but he needed some time off

From taking potions

Time to pick his heart up off the floor

Oh and when that crack goes down there

Without precaution

Well it takes a strong heart baby

To rebound from that and more

 

It’s the cause of death

It caused his death

It’s the cause of his death death

The cause of his death death death

 

Baby,

His fans are asking him to stay

Saying please please please don’t go away

Say he’s giving them the blues

Maybe

They need to realize he’s dead

Been dead since noon yesterday

And coming back from that is against all rules.

 

Before this obit

Went into Motion

Before his heart gave out the day before

Oh oh Jami might reconsider

Stick to her devotion

Instead she got a hit that gives her 50 points more

 

Yes you gotta have death..

Mmm, you gotta have death

‘Cause you gotta have death, death, death

You gotta hav death-a-death-a-death

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Professional wife, Zsa Zsa Gabor died at the spry age of 99, fifty days before her 100th birthday.

Gabor was married at least eight times.  Nine times if you count the one that lasted about 24 hours.

She said that “A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.”

She was born in Budapest as Sári Gábor.  She changed her name to Zsa Zsa because she

File photo of Zsa Zsa Gabor in Beverly Hills

Zsa Zsa, shown here not giving two fucks.

knew that being Zsa Zsa meant never having to say you’re Sári.

Gabor was known for flaunting a Lifestyles-of-the-Rich-&-Famous life and calling everyone “Dahlink.”  [Fun fact: Dahlink actually translates to “mother-fucking worthless barrel of monkey-spunk.”  Although some scholars argue the “mother-fucker” portion of the translation.]

In 1936, Zsa Zsa won the title of Miss Hungary.  But this was during the Depression and being Miss Hungary wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

In 1989, she was arrested for slapping a police officer who had pulled her over and found that her license had expired and that she had an open vodka bottle in her Rolls-Royce convertible.  That was funny…

Basically, Zsa Zsa didn’t give two fucks.  She said things like, “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”  And, “It’s never as easy to keep your own spouse happy as it is to make someone else’s spouse happy.”

So, she’s going around marrying for money (“I have learned that not diamonds but divorce lawyers are a girl’s best friend.”, “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”), cheating on her husbands (“Sexual attraction only lasts two years, and who wants to stay with a man if you’re not sexually attracted?”), being the other woman and not giving a shit what anyone thinks of her.

I don’t know if she’s a national hero or just an awful human being.

This hit goes to Jami!  This is Jami’s 2nd holdover to die so far this year!  She’s been drafting Zsa2 for years now.  This makes the hit that much more satisfying.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Jami: 40 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)