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Category Archives: Football

South African bad-ass Joost van der Westhuizen died at the spry age of 45.  [45!?!?! Shit!  I hope Babysitter didn’t have him!]

Why was he a bad-ass?  Let’s start with the fact that he was an internationally renowned [yes, he went through the painful nouning process] rugby player.  Frankly, you could start AND end with that.

Have you ever played rugby?  No you haven’t.  Neither have I.  You know why?  We’re fucking pussies, that’s why!  We can act all high and mighty with our American Football.  With our helmets and our shoulderpads.

You know what rugby doesn’t have?  Helmets.  You know what else it doesn’t have?  Mother-fucking shoulder pads!

The only protection you need in rugby is the ability of kicking the crap out of the other guy before he kicks the crap outta you.

Another reason he was bad-ass?   He was diagnosed with MND (I’m assuming a disease with long words that I don’t understand… Multitudinous Narciratic Disease?) in 2011, he was given just a couple of years to live (because MND is some serious shit).

He said, “fuck that,” and lived for another six years!  And in that time, he raised money

Joost

Joost playing a round of “Who’s thumb is that?”

to fight MND.  (Mandible Neurosis Disease?)

Another reason he was a bad-ass?  Van der Westhuizen won 89 caps for the Springboks scoring scored an astonishing 38 tries!  Ok, I really have no idea what the hell that means.

Van Der Westhuizen redefined scrum half play!  Scrum whole play was undisturbed by his career.

This hit goes to:  Aw, crap!   It is Babysitter!  The sitter of babies gets 60 damn points for this one, putting him at 90 points.  Still not triple digits, but OK, I guess.

Erin remains at zero.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 120 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20, Haruo Nakajima – 20, Barbara Cook – 20)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Babysitter: 90 – (June Foray – 10 – Glen Campbell – 20, Joost van der Westhuizen – 60)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Or

The End of an Ara

Ara Parseghian, former Notre Dame football coach and rejected character name for Game of Thrones, died at the spry age of 94.

Ara took over the notre Dame football team in 1964 and turned it around with Coach-Tayloresque magic.  

That spring, student servers in Notre Dame’s dining hall noticed that football players were forsaking gravy and ice cream. The new coach had told them that they were going to be leaner and faster.  You can’t do that on a diet of grilled cheese sandwiches.

“He told us we were good; he’d give each of us a chance to show what we could do in practice,” Jack Snow said.  I’m gonna assume that Jack Snow was a football player.

From 2-7 in 1934 to 9-1 the next year.

Obit Parseghian Football

Parseghian, shown here about to call a player a “mother-fuckin’ mooch.”

He famously continued to help injured quarterback Jason Street, even going so far as to offer him a job.  He molded the bumbling Matt Saracen into a champion quarterback.

He could never get any real control on Tim Riggins drinking thought.  (WWRD)

He also kicked the slightly racistly-named Voodoo Tatum off the team because he wouldn’t play ball.

I mean that figuratively.  I mean,l, he played football.  But he didn’t play by the coach’s rules.  So, he wouldn’t play ball… you know what?  Never mind.

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Barton, being a long time fan of the Irish, is likely the source of this hit.  And with this, they break 100!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 120 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 70 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – (June Foray – 10)

Long time NBA reporter, Craig Sager, died at the spry age of 65.

Sager broadcast preseason games during the 1970s for the Chiefs. [“Who are the Chefs?”  “Great googly-moogly”]

He was waiting for Hank Aaron at third base and interviewed him on the way to home plate after Aaron hit his 715th home run.  I’m not sure what he asked Aaron, but I’m pretty sure the answer was “Get the fuck outta my way!”

Sager was co-anchor of the network’s CNN Sports Tonight shows and was honored with a CableAce award in 1985.  Oooohhh… a CableAce award… That’s the big-time right there!

sager

I’m sorry, but did you shower with Easter this morning?

He also served as Willie the Wildcat, North Western’s school’s mascot.

I think I just heard Nelson Muntz go: Ha Ha!

Sager was also known for the god-awful wardrobe that he wore on the air.  He looked terrible.  Tim Gunn wasn’t concerned, he was apoplectic.

Sager would wear coats that were loud plaid, solid neon colors, one was an orange jacket with flowery hearts all over it and black lapels.  I mean, Herb Tarlek wouldn’t wear this crap.

Sager worked under terrible sweatshop-esque conditions.  Here I am referring to the hours and hours of squeaky sneaker noises that he had to endure.  Plus, he had to watch basketball… and pay attention to it!  Man, this country need more fuckin’ unions.

Sager was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia, although he failed to see what was so goddamned cute about it.

This hit goes to: Bean!  Fuck!  I like Bean at the 10 point level where I can make fun of him.  But now he’s beating me.  

Bean is now in 2nd place, only 10 points behind the leader.  Thanks a lot, Obama!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Jami: 30 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 20 (Alice Drummond – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

OK, this is pretty old school, so here’s a primer to watch before reading:

Bean’s Buddy, Bean’s buddyBuddy Ryan

Whenever he goes

Bean crows.

Bean’s buddy, Bean’s buddy

Taught football players everything that he knows.

Bean’s Buddy, you see,

Back in the 80s

Bean’s Buddy made the Bears the best team they could be.

 

Bean’s Buddy, Bean’s Buddy

Died in his eighties.

 

Bean gains another 20 piunts because he’s a fucking prick.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Gianna: 40 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20)

Nathaniel: 10 (Alan Young – 10)

Former football great and husband to the most annoying woman in the world, Frank Gifford, died at the spry age of 84.

Gifford had a 12 year career with the New York Giants from 1952 – 1964.  But, he clearly sucked because NOT ONCE did he make it to the Super Bowl.  What a complete, total and utter failure he was.  Not ONE Super Bowl.

I mean, even the Buffalo Bills made it to the Super Bowl four times.  The Bills!  Sure, they never won… but at least they made it!  God, what an incompetent, useless, inept, ineffective,  unprofessional, blundering, clumsy, inadequate,

A cape?  Really?

A cape? Really?

substandard, inferior, deficient, inefficient, ineffectual,  bungling, incapable, unfit, unqualified, pathetic, ham-fisted loser to go for 12 years and never make it to the Super Bowl.

God, it’s just unbelievable that–   -hold on…. I’m being told that the first Super Bowl took place… when now?  Three years after his retirement? …man, he was fuckin’ old

Gifford went on to work as a commentator on Monday Night Football for 27 years with moderate success.  

He also famously remained neutral on the great “Less Filling / Taste Great” debate that raged throughout the 70s and 80s.

In 1986, he married his third wife, Kathy Lee Gifford, disproving the axiom that the third time’s the charm.

This hit goes to Tailg— oh no, wait, …a sports figure picked by: MARY!?! The Girl on Fire increases her lead by 20 points!  Now at 180, she is a firm 30 points ahead of Pirate!

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

The Girl on Fire: 180 – (Mario Cuomo – 20, Richard Dysart – 20, Anne Meara – 20, Denise McCluggage – 20, Bobbi Christina Brown – 80, Frank Gifford – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 150 – (Sir Terry Pratchett – 66, Lauren Hill – 90)

Jami: 140 – (Diem Brown – 70, Sam Simon – 50, Dick Van Patten – 20)

Tailgating with Jesus: 130 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20, Minnie Minoso -10, Al Rosen – 10, Chuck Bednarik – 20, Louise Suggs – 10)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 100 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20, Roberto Tucci – 10, Giovanni Canestri – 10, Giacomo Biffi “the Vampire Slayer” – 20, William W. Baum – 20)

Gianna: 90 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70, Vincent Bugliosi – 10)

Nikki: 80 – (Stuart Scott – 60, BB King – 20)

Anne: 70 – (Lesley Gore – 40, Joe Cocker – 30)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 60 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20, Alex Rocco – 30)

Team Sushi: 50 – (Marion Barry – 30, Omar Sharif – 20)

Nora the Explorer: 50 – (James Best – 20, Ben E. King – 30)

Babysitter: 50 – (Leonard Nimoy – 20, Gary Gahl – 30)

Anne: 30 – (oops, I forgot who Anne had – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

Nathaniel: – 10 – (Christopher Lee – 10)

Erika: 10 – (Jayne Meadows – 10)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)

Former Philadelphia Eagle, Chuck Bednarik died at the spry age of 89.  He was just 41 days away from being 10 points.

He was born in Bethlehem, PA where he killed time filling out forms and standing in line. His father fought the second world war and spent his weekends on the Jersey shore.

His father met his mother at the USO.  He asked her to dance.  She danced with him slow.

Then they were living there in.. Bethlehem.

But the restlessness was handed down and it was getting very hard to stay.

So, Chuckers moved away and joined a football team where he earned a reputation as a hell of a tackler.  He took Frank Gifford out of play for over 18 months.  How sweet is that?

He had a famous quarrel with Chuck “The Grassy” Noll, who once, as a player for the Cleveland Browns, smashed him in the

The man loved his nicotine... and his oral fixations.

The man loved his nicotine… and his oral fixations.

face during a fourth-down punting play.

Despite this general bad-assery, he only missed three games in 14 seasons.

He was known as “Concrete Charlie,” but not because of his tackling acumen… nor because he was a former concrete salesman… but because of the ever-present erection that he had in the showers.  Giving him a funny nickname was the best way for his fellow players to deal with their homophobia.

Yes, Chuckie played offence and defence.

…wait, that wasn’t a metaphor… He really did play both sides.  I mean, I understand that the juxtaposition of that factoid after the boner-in-the-shower joke may seem like I was eluding him to be bi-sexual…  Plus the italicised “and” seemed very pointed….  But he really did play offence and defence.  In football.  He was the last player in the NFL to do so.

He even spoke out against players who didn’t.  He called them “pussyfoots”, noting that they “suck air after five plays” and that they “couldn’t tackle my wife Emma”.

It should be noted here that the lovely Emma was a six-foot-three, 400 pound bruiser of a woman.

In his declining years, he moved to the Lehigh Valley in a suburb of Allentown.

So, he was living there near Allentown.  And it’s hard to keep a good man down.

But Chuck won’t be getting up to daaaaay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay… aaaaay, aaaaay, ay.

Oh uh oh.

This hit goes to: Bean!  Yes, he is really treading into the dick category this year.  He is now tied with Jami for the lead. And yet…

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Tailgating with Jesus: 120 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20, Minnie Minoso -10, Al Rosen – 10, Chuck Bednarik – 20)

Jami: 120 – (Diem Brown – 70, Sam Simon – 50)

Anne: 70 – (Lesley Gore – 40, Joe Cocker – 30)

Gianna: 70 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70)

Occupy the Casket: 60 – (Sir Terry Pratchett – 66)

Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 40 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)

Anne: 30 – ()

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Babysitter: 20 – (Leonard Nimoy – 20)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)