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Category Archives: law

…to DIE!

Judge Joseph A. Wapner, “The People’s Judge,” definitely died at the spry age of 93.

He definitely  died a full 5,431 days after his faithful bailiff, Rusty.  Wapner definitely never loved Rusty.  Yeah, definitely.

Wapner definitely presided over the syndicated “The People’s Court” (as opposed to the US courts which are clearly there for corporations and definitely not people) from 1981-1993.

Wapner proved himself to be a firm, reassuring paragon of fairness and efficacy in the application of the law.  And no, I did not write that sentence.  

In high school, Wapner definitely dated Lana Turner.

Wait-  WHAT!?!??!  He dated Lana Turner!?!?  

wapner

Boy, if drinking it is a sentence, it’s gotta be good!

The guys in law school probably thought Wapner was full of shit.  “Yeah, suuuuure you dated Lana Turner… and you were probably bangin’ Joan Fontaine on the side.”

Thanks to the success of Wapner and the people’s court, we now have sayings like, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

Man, we’ve definitely gone down hill.

Wapner was one of the most trusted people in America.  He parlayed this into selling root beer.

I know, right?

This hit goes to: Joanne!  It’s been a rough year for Joanne so far.  This is her 1st hit!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, Devid Penrose Buckson – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

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Death Row inmate Terry Edwards was executed in the “great” state of (you guessed it) Texas at the spry age of 43.  Edwards was convicted of robbing a Subway with his cousin, who may have been the one to pull the trigger.

It is unclear if Edwards was a murderer or a victim of institutional racism.  And, while a shadow of doubt existed… this is Texas.

Texas has executed more people since 1976 than the next six states combined.  The death penalty is considered by many to be a deterrent from crime.  

In Texas, it is considered more of a hobby.

That’s why there’s no crime in Texas.  Because their killings scare people straight.  See,

jared-fogle

“Come to Subway.  Bring the kids!”  [You’re supposed to unwrap it before you eat it, douchebag.]

Texas is a shangrila compared to the rest of the nation.  I bet you couldn’t name one murder victim in the whole state!  Se, you couldn’t.  I’m clearly right.

Actually, Texas is right smack dab in the middle of crime rates when compared to the rest of the nation (22nd worst murder rate).  

The truth is: Texas just sucks.  On the list of places to never step foot, Texas is right there next to hell and a Nickelback concert.

Texas is the country music of the nation.  It is the Lars Von Trier movie of the nation.   The liver and onions of an otherwise delectable meal.  The Michael Bay.  The Youtube commenter.  The stepping on a lego in the middle of the night.  The burnt roof of your mouth from hot pizza.  Texas is the state that steals your lunch out of the fridge at work.  It is the Donald Trump of the nation.  [Everythings bigly in Texas.]

Edwards’ attorneys cast doubt on the fairness of the jury selection, saying that prosecutors “removed all eligible African Americans from the jury pool of 3,000 citizens and seated an all-white jury to decide the fate of an African American man charged with murdering two white people.”  

Now, there’s no way that’s coincidence.  I mean, here in Vermont, yes, that is probably a statistical reality.  But Texas has a 30% minority population.

They found a strike list that next to the names of 32 of the questioned potential jurors has a handwritten, encircled “B.”  That could stand for “black.”  Because they don’t worry about buoyancy.  

Now, there is precedent from a case of a black man convicted of killing a white woman in Georgia being unconstitutional because of the way black jurors were excluded. In that case, prosecutors marked the names of black jurors with a “B” on lists.

This the “Institutional” part of “Institutional Racism,” boys and girls.

There was no clear gunshot residue from the murder weapon on his hands.  No blood from either victim on his body or clothes.  Now, the guy went in a robbed a Subway, so not exactly a stand-up citizen.  But should you die for stealing money from the people who made Jared Fogel rich?

See, this is how our government works.  We mark the race of jurors to make sure that no darkies get a say when prosecuting one of their own.  Instead of getting to the truth, we’re happy to get alternative facts.

Edwards may have been guilty as hell.  The real problem is that we killed him without actually knowing if he was guilty as hell or not.

Edwards’ last words were “Yes, I made peace with God. I hope y’all make peace with this.”

Unfortunately, they already have.

This hit puts Josh on top with 100 points!  A rookie with triple digits 12 weeks in!  That’s pretty impressive!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Professional wife, Zsa Zsa Gabor died at the spry age of 99, fifty days before her 100th birthday.

Gabor was married at least eight times.  Nine times if you count the one that lasted about 24 hours.

She said that “A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.”

She was born in Budapest as Sári Gábor.  She changed her name to Zsa Zsa because she

File photo of Zsa Zsa Gabor in Beverly Hills

Zsa Zsa, shown here not giving two fucks.

knew that being Zsa Zsa meant never having to say you’re Sári.

Gabor was known for flaunting a Lifestyles-of-the-Rich-&-Famous life and calling everyone “Dahlink.”  [Fun fact: Dahlink actually translates to “mother-fucking worthless barrel of monkey-spunk.”  Although some scholars argue the “mother-fucker” portion of the translation.]

In 1936, Zsa Zsa won the title of Miss Hungary.  But this was during the Depression and being Miss Hungary wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

In 1989, she was arrested for slapping a police officer who had pulled her over and found that her license had expired and that she had an open vodka bottle in her Rolls-Royce convertible.  That was funny…

Basically, Zsa Zsa didn’t give two fucks.  She said things like, “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”  And, “It’s never as easy to keep your own spouse happy as it is to make someone else’s spouse happy.”

So, she’s going around marrying for money (“I have learned that not diamonds but divorce lawyers are a girl’s best friend.”, “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”), cheating on her husbands (“Sexual attraction only lasts two years, and who wants to stay with a man if you’re not sexually attracted?”), being the other woman and not giving a shit what anyone thinks of her.

I don’t know if she’s a national hero or just an awful human being.

This hit goes to Jami!  This is Jami’s 2nd holdover to die so far this year!  She’s been drafting Zsa2 for years now.  This makes the hit that much more satisfying.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Jami: 40 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Star of “Law & Order,” (insert chung-chung sound here) and the 1st season of “Mission: Impossible,” Steven Hill died at the spry age of 94.

Hill will be most remembered for his role of the stern, seemingly imperturbable district attorney Adam Schiff on “Law & Order,” (insert chung-chung sound here).  But he really kicked ass as Daniel Briggs in the 1st season of “Mission: Impossible.”

But why only the 1st season?  Because he was Jewish.

As one of the few Orthodox Jewish actors working in Hollywood, he made it clear in advance of production that he was not able to work on the Sabbath (i.e., sundown Friday to dusk Saturday), and that he would leave the set every Friday before sundown.

The producers were all: “Yeah, sure, guy, that sounds great…”  Then, when Sundown

Steven Hill

“I’m gonna make it to that goddamned Seder if it kills my career!”

neared on Fridays and he left the studio (sometimes while still filming) the producers were suddenly like: “Oh, wait.  You were serious about that shit?  ‘Cuz that shit ain’t gonna fly.”

This became quite a sticking point with the producers.  They tried to use him less and less as episodes went on.  Normally, the show starts with the IMF team leader getting a mission (should he choose to accept it), doing the mission (because he always accepted it) and then kicking back with a scotch and soda at the nearest go-go bar.

Towards the end of the season, Hill would just get the mission and IMF his team would do the mission without him.  There were even a few episodes where he didn’t even do that much.

They couldn’t fire him because two years earlier that whole “Civil Rights Act” had been passed and equal employment meant that you couldn’t fire someone because of their religion.

Not to mention that doing so is totally a dick move.

Towards the end of filming, Hill was told to to climb the rafters via a soundstage staircase as was called for in the script and he refused.  This was likely a safety thing and not a Jewish thing.

But the producers were all: YES!  We can fire his ass now!

After that, Hill was blackballed and couldn’t get any work for the next ten years.  

In 1983, he made his big comeback in “Yentl.”  How embarrassing for him.

This hit goes to: Mary!  Another ten point brings her to 50 below the leader!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Gianna: 40 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20)

Neocon, fascist and Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia died in his sleep at the spry age of 79 while on a quail hunting trip at the Cibolo Creek Ranch in Shafter, Texas.

Scalia was born in Trenton New Jersey because of course he’s from Jersey.

Scalia has been instrumental in many decisions that were seemingly designed to bring this country down from the inside.

Some may recall the 2000 election where the Presidency was handed to the man who lost the election.  The Supreme Court decision that said “Our consideration is limited to the present circumstances”.  In other words: “We’re gonna do this this once, but it’s not the law of the land or anything.”  Which is the exact opposite of what the Supreme Court does!

Justice Clarence Thomas was in total agreement with Scalia on this one.

Scalia

I liked him better as Mr. C on “Happy Days.”

In Citizens United, he justified treating corporations as people by opining that “Modern corporations… would probably have been favored by most of our enterprising Founders.”  So, forget what the constitution says because some of our forefathers probably might have thought this.  Yeah, that’s some goooood jurisprudence.

Justice Clarence Thomas totally agreed, by the way.

In his decision for Hobby Lobby he said “Well, religious beliefs aren’t reasonable. …God be reasonable? He’s supposed to have a full beard.”  Yes, a Supreme Court Justice who referred to God’s beard to support his argument.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: America.

Justice Clarence Thomas totally agreed, by the way.

The office of Clarence Thomas released a mysterious statement to the press that just said “** paste Scalia’s statement here **”.  

When contacted for clarification, his office stated that Justice Thomas had “died in his sleep at the spry age of 79 while on a quail hunting trip at the Cibolo Creek Ranch in Shafter, Texas.”

It’s a big question as to who will replace Scalia… but even bigger is who will fill the void left in Clarence Thomas’ heart?  Who will he blindly agree with now?  He’s a ship without a rudder.  

Wouldn’t it be great if he grabbed onto the coattails (or in this case, flowing robes) of Sonia Sotomayor?  Suddenly his opinions would be more liberal, plus with a sassy, hispanic tinge to them.

But I think that things are still awkward between those two since last year’s Christmas party when he put a pubic hair on her Coke can.

This hit goes to: Mortician’s Daughter!  She gets on the board with a strong 30 points!  Although, the Supreme Court might strip her of her points… you know, just this one time…

Until then, congrats to Cindy!

Nancy Reagan, somehow, still continues to live.  

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 80- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10)

Jami: 80 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 50 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 40 – (Natalie Cole – 40)

Mortician’s Daughter: 30 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Lawyer and author, Vincent Bugliosi (pronounced Bela-Lugosi), died at the spry age of 80.

Not only did BelaLugosi represent various vampires during his career, he also was a Los Angeles District Attorney (LADA).

As LADA, he successfully prosecuted 105 out of 106 felony jury trials, which included 21 murder convictions without a single loss.

He was best known for prosecuting Charles Manson for the Tate–LaBianca murders of, 1969.

When reached for comment, Manson said, “From the world of darkness I did loose demons and devils in the power of scorpions to torment.”

When asked to clarify this statement, he added, “If you’re going to do something, do it well. And leave something witchy.”

BelaLugosi, authored the book “Helter Skelter” in 1974, which is a photo book of spiral slides from the world.  Of the experience of compiling this book, BelaLugosi recalled, “When I got to the bottom I went back to the top of the slide, where I’d stop and I’d turn and I’d go for a ride till I got to the bottom and I’d do it again… (as his eyes drifted off into the distance)

Bugliosi giving his closing arguments against Charles Manson.

Bugliosi giving his closing arguments against Charles Manson.

yeah, yeah, yeah.”

He later wrote “Reclaiming History: The Assassination of President John F. Kennedy”  (Spoiler alert: the butler did it!) and “The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder.”

Having read the last book myself, I think we should charge George W. Bush with murder… hey, a guy can dream.  Maybe I’ll write to Bernie about this…

In his last days, BellaLugosi was organizing a class-action suit against Stephanie Meyer for irreparable damages to his clients, Spike, Dracula and Lestat (although Lestat didn’t have much of a case).

This hit goes to: Gianna!  This puts Gianna in 3rd place and one hit away from triple digits.

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Occupy the Casket: 150 – (Sir Terry Pratchett – 66, Lauren Hill – 90)

Tailgating with Jesus: 120 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20, Minnie Minoso -10, Al Rosen – 10, Chuck Bednarik – 20)

Jami: 120 – (Diem Brown – 70, Sam Simon – 50)

Gianna: 90 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70, Vincent Bugliosi – 10)

Nikki: 80 – (Stuart Scott – 60, BB King – 20)

Anne: 70 – (Lesley Gore – 40, Joe Cocker – 30)

The Girl on Fire: 60 – (Mario Cuomo – 20, Richard Dysart – 20, Anne Meara – 20)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 60 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20, Roberto Tucci – 10, Giovanni Canestri – 10)

Nora the Explorer: 50 – (James Best – 20, Ben E. King – 30)

Babysitter: 50 – (Leonard Nimoy – 20, Gary Gahl – 30)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)

Anne: 30 – (oops, I forgot who Anne had – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

Nathaniel: – 10 – (Christopher Lee – 10)

Erika: 10 – (Jayne Meadows – 10)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)