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Category Archives: music

Former dictator and human pineapple, Manuel Noriega died at the spry age of 83.

Noriega put the “Dick” in Dictator.  He ruled Panama in the 80s where he helped the US, helped Cuba and sold a lot of drugs.

He was known for brandishing a machete during speeches.

He lived a lavish, libertine life off drug-trade riches, complete with luxurious mansions, cocaine-fueled parties and voluminous collections of antique guns.

Most importantly, he liked to display his teddy bears dressed as paratroopers.  

pineapplepokopo

Noriega, shown here doing his impression of Dick Cheney.

Oh, how I Googled and Googled the hell out of “Manuel Noriega’s Teddy Bear Collection.”  Alas, not even a thumbnail could be found.

In 1989, George Bush #1 got tired of his antics and shenanigans, even if it did keep Crockett & Tubbs employed.

With operation “Just Cause” (a name Bush came up with at retreat called “Operation: Lame Names”) the US invaded Panama (because invading is what we do) and deposed Noriega (because deposing is what we also do.  Ain’t that right, Chile?).  

A separate operation to keep Noriega from escaping was deployed.  This was Operation “Nifty Package.”  No.  Really.  Bush got his money’s worth at that retreat.

Noriega ended up holed up in a mission set up by the Vatican.  He came in and claimed sanctuary, just like Quasimodo.

To flush him out, the US used what is called Music Torture.  A fleet of Humvees mounted with loudspeakers rolled in, and blasted music, 24 hours a day, in this densely populated area.  I believe it was Operation “Neat-o Tunes.”

The playlist included The Clash, Van Halen, U2, Bruce Cockburn, Guns-n-Roses and The Doors.

Thee Office of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff maintains that the music was used principally to prevent parabolic microphones from being used to eavesdrop on negotiations.  In other words: they lied.  Again.  It’s what they do.  (Ain’t that right, Weapons of Mass Destruction?)

After ten days of this, Noriega surrendered.  It was later noted that if country “music” was played, the standoff would have only lasted two hours.  But we couldn’t do that to the brave soldiers manning the Humvees.

Noriega then spent his time traveling the world.  He stayed in Jails in the US, France and… well, Panama.

Later that year, “Miami Vice” was then cancelled.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Then Noriega died.

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Their swath through 80s mediocrity continues!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

The worst James Bond, Sir Roger Moore, died at the spry age of 89.

Moore did moore than just Bond.  he was in a shitload of things.  Few of them good.  

He did a TV show called “Ivanhoe” about gardening in Russia.  He was also in “The Alaskans” as Sneaker Palin, or was he Blanket Palin?… Tent Palin?  The show only lasted one season.  

He went on to do a season of “Maverick,” in a role that Sean Connery turned down.  He left because once Garner left, the show went to shit.  I have no reference point to tell if this is true.

From 1962 through 1969, Moore played Simon Templar in the show “The Saint.”  Now this was a decent show filled with cool capers and whatnot.  Lamentably, “The Saint” is not available for streaming, but it is available on DVD.  (For us old people who still have DVD players)

The international stardom that he got from “The Saint” propelled him to star along side Tony Curtis in the new show, “The Persuaders!”  The series, like soccer, was popular

Moore

Yeah, but everyone looks good in a tuxedo.

everywhere but the US.

Next, Moore was selected to take over for Sean Connery (the best Bond) in the James Bond series.

He brought a certain shitty wit to his Bond.  He had many one-liners that ran concurrent to the character created by Ian Fleming.  But, much in the same way that disco was popular, people ate that shit up.

He made 7 bond movies over 12 years, making him the longest Bond.  (Not longest in the penis sense because George Lazenby is hung like a horse.)

He started out OK with “Live and Let Die.”  Moved on to “The Man with the Golden Gun,” and “The Spy Who Loved Me.”  But then he did “Moonraker.”

Moonraker was inexcusable.

In 2004, Moore was voted ‘Best Bond’ in an Academy Awards poll.  The next year, they selected “Million Dollar Baby” as Best Picture.  So, picking the crappiest in the lot to win is what they often do.  (“Crash?”, “The Greatest Show on Earth?”, “Birdman?”)

Moore was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II in 2003 for “services to charity”.   Mostly for his work with UNICEF, a charity that teaches poor children in the 3rd world how to ride a unicycle.

No, not everyone believes that He was the worst Bond.  Some of us are wrong.  And one of those wrong people is Sir Jason Carifa, who requested some input on the passing of Sir Moore.  Seeing that his Bond knowledge is vastly superior to mine (with the exception of Moore being any good), I thought it best to include his input:

His first James Bond movie “Live and Let Die” was fantastic – My personal favorite. The following movies “The Man with the Golden Gun,” and “The Spy Who Loved Me,” were great.  

Moore Space

A gun?  In space?!??! Fucking NRA…

Then the Star Wars era came upon us and instead of making “For Your Eyes Only” they decided to make “Moonraker”.  Ok, so we put monkeys and people in space but for God sakes please don’t ever put James Bond is space with laser beams again.  The movie was actually decent up until they launched Moonraker 1.

Roger took a break from 007 and decided to prove to the audiences that cannonballs can run in the 1981 memorable epic summer blockbuster “The Cannonball Run” starring my pal Burt Reynolds.

In 1983 worlds collided. The greatest movie blockbusters of the year. TWO James Bond movies by TWO different actors: Roger Moore’s “Octopussy” and the immortal Sean Connery’s (He’s immortal because he drank from the cup in Indian Jones and the last crusade) “Never Say Never Again! “

Moore did his final James Bond movie at the age of 58 was “A View to a kill” . This was another personal favorite of mine. Excellent music, excellent villain. So, Daniel Craig, there is no reason to give up on the James Bond franchise you can make it 60.

Life after James Bond was quiet he had small roles in “Spice Girls” and “Boat Trip.”

Ok I admit I saw those films.

Roger Moore Trivia:

– When rehearsing for James Bond movies he would constantly blink his eyes when shooting the gun. He was not a fan of weapons. Let’s be honest you’re not shooting a 44 Magnum like Dirty Harry. You have handgun that can fit into a purse.

-He was ready to retire after “For your eyes only” so James Brolin actually did a screen test as James Bond in Octopussy.

-He was supposed to present the Oscar for best actor to Marlon Brando for The Godfather but someone by the name of “Martinsheen Littlefarter” or some shit like that came up, and we all know how that went.

-He never ordered or drank a martini in any of the James Bond movies.

-While filming “Live and Let die” Roger Moore and Jane Seymour had dysentery in Jamaica. Well that’s a shitty story……

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Their two his are Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and Roger Moore.  Will they continue to cut a swath through 80s mediocrity?

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Team Sushi: 50 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Erin Moran, who played Joanie (who loved Chachi, but we’re not sure if that love was requited) from “Happy Days,” died at the spry age of 56.

Moran played the cute, spunky, pain-in-the-ass little sister on the classic sitcom “Happy Days,” from 1974 to 1984.

There was a brief, one season stint where she and Chachi moved on to their own musical sitcom, “Joanie Loves Chachi.”  

Musical sitcoms are a terrible idea.  A lesson that was well remembered until the advent of “Cop Rock.”

She complained that in later years, the producers of “Happy Days” told her that she needs to be more sexy.  To which she presumably replied: “Have you seen me?  I might be able to pull off cute, but sexy?”

In 1981, she starred in the movie “Twirl,” which also featured Lisa Whelchel (Blair from “The Facts of Life”), Missy Gold (Katie Gatling from “Benson”), Charles Haid (Andrew Renko from “Hill Street Blues”), Heather Locklear (the lead in many a boy’s wet dream), and multiple stars from “Falcon Crest.”

The cast list reads like a Who Used-To-Be Who list of 80’s TV.

Moran

After that failed “Flashdance” audition, it was all over for her.

After Happy Days went off the air, her life jumped the shark and she did not work much.  Sure, she had stints on “The Love Boat,” “Murder, She Wrote,” and “Diagnosis: Murder,” like so many washed-up B-listers… and C-listers ..and– you get the point.

After 1984,Happy Days ended in more way than one.

She spiraled into depression between her lack of work and the mysterious disappearance of her brother, Chuck, which had haunted her for the past nine years.

Like any good episode of “Behind the Music,” Moran turned to drugs and alcohol.

In the 90s she was evicted from a trailer park, which is a pretty hard thing to do.  Trailer parks don’t exactly set a high bar.

According to the Daily Mail, her death was allegedly due to a heroin overdose.  But this is the Daily Mail… so, of course, It has been announced that she probably died of cancer.

They also said that Moran was “broke and homeless” after she was kicked out of her mother-in-law’s trailer, which is a pretty hard thing to do.  Because her mother-in-law doesn’t exactly set a high bar.

According to Paul Petersen, who runs the child-actor advocacy group A Minor Consideration, many former child stars had reached out to her in the past week or so.  (Obviously Ron Howard, with a job offer in hand, was not one of them).

Petersen said, “We did our best with the resources available to us, but it was a very dark room. Some don’t find the light switch in time.”

So, if you got a hold of her… it would have… cured stage four cancer?  Sheesh.  Someone sure thinks a lot of himself.

Scott Baio released the following statement: “Trump is great.  Trump is great.  Trump is great.”

What a dick.

This hit goes to: Wes!  One rookie just took the lead from another one!  Wes sits high upon Ghoul Pool Mountain (well, really more of a hill) with 140 points!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Her name was Lola, She was a showgirl

When “Peter Gunn” was on the air, she would sing with her own flair

Was Born in Akron, Lola Jean Albright

And then she moved to be a star

To Hollywood which was so far

 

I don’t have hits galore, she’s just hit number four

I won’t win like all the others

I just want to score

I want Ghoul Pool, Ghoul Pool nirvana,

Where I can’t count my hits on one hand-a

I want Ghoul Pool, Ghoul Pool nirvana

Doc Severinsen & Harry Whittington,

For the Ghoul Pool: death from above.

 

She played a stipper

And had two albums

You’ve never heard of hide nor hair, this pick comes from out of nowhere

Albright

Greatest Hits?  She had two fucking albums!

And now she’s finished, her life is over

But Sean’s increase won’t go too far

Because of this obscure star

Just because no one knew, ‘cuz no one had a clue

Picked because she was his dog’s namesake

We ask who?  Who?  Who?

Because she’s Ghoul Pool, Ghoul Pool arcana

Not well known as Tony Danza

She is Ghoul Pool, Ghoul Pool arcana

Don’t care where hits come from as long as he got one

In the Ghoul Pool, he’ll lose again

 

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Right now, in the afterlife, Chuck Barris is meeting Chuck Berry.  Oh, if only David Letterman could have introduced them.  “Chuck Barris, Chuck Berry.  Chuck Berry, Chuck Barris.”

Crappy TV show creator, songwriter, novelist and possible CIA assassin, Chuck Barris, died at the spry age of 87.

Barris’ first game show was “The Dating Game” (precursor to the far superior “Love Connection”).

The show was a woman on one side of a wall asking questions to three men on the other side and her picking a date without seeing them.  There were always double entendres and dirty jokes and everyone hoped that she would pick the uggo just to see her expression when he was revealed at the end.

He next show was The Newlywed Game where three sets of Newlyweds were quizzed on how well they knew each other.  There were always double entendres and dirty jokes and someone would win a washer and dryer at the end.

Then there was “The Gong Show.”  Possible the worst TV show this side of Molly Dodd.

The show was basically the early episodes of an “American Idol” season.  You know, where

chuckbarris

Yeah, this guy was a national treasure.

you watch to see how awful people are.

Barris hosted the show because the planned host was treating the show as a talent show and not as a parody of one.

A bad act would perform and it was truly awful, someone like Jamie Farr would bang a giant gong to end it all.

They developed running characters in the show.  Like The Unknown Comedian who was a stand-up who told intentionally corny jokes while wearing a paper bag over his head.  And Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, the show’s prop master who would dance to “Jumpin’ at the Woodside” while people off stage threw random props at him.

But mostly, the show was just crap.

Baris wrote an autobiography called Confessions of a Dangerous Mind which was made into a George Clooney movie in 2002.

In the book, Barris claimed that he worked for the CIA as an assassin in the 1960s and the 1970s.

A CIA spokesman at the time said “It sounds like he has been standing too close to the gong all those years.”

Plus, they were too busy bugging the phones of Presidential candidates (as they are known to do).

This hit goes to: Josh!  Josh takes the lead with 120 points!  With seven months left, can he hold onto his lead?

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Former car thief, armed robber beautician and undisputable rock and roll legend, Chuck Berry died at the spry age of 90.

In his brash youth, Berry spent three years in reform school after a spree of car thefts and armed robbery.

When he was 18, he robbed three shops and then had to steal a getaway car.  Berry’s account in his autobiography is that his car broke down and he flagged down a passing car and stole it at gunpoint with a nonfunctional pistol.

Now, I do not endorse crime or violence on any level.  But how bad-ass was he!?!?  Damn!  Four major crimes in one day at the spry age of 18!

He straightened himself out and received a degree in hairdressing and cosmetology and worked for a time as a beautician.

OK, a little less bad-ass.

By the early 1950s, he was playing guitar and singing blues, pop standards and suffering through an occasional country tune with local combos.

berry

If it walks like a duck….

On Saturday, November 12th, 1955, Chuck’s life would change forever when he received that fateful call from his cousin: Marvin.

Marvin and his band, The Starlighters, were playing an “Enchantment Under the Sea” high school dance in Hill Valley, California.  A fill-in guitar player with early onset Parkinson’s started playing a sound that no one had heard before.  Marvin called Chuck and rock’n’roll history was born.

You could say that Chuck Berry’s influence on music was “Hyuge,” or “Tremendous.”  But you would sound like an orange idiot.

Truth is, his influence is immeasurable.  John Lennon would sneak a radio into his room so that he could pick up Chuck Berry being played from a German radio station without his Aunt Mimi finding out.

Every single rock and roll act for the next decade had been directly influenced by Berry.

Berry rocked so much harder than Coldplay could even imagine.  And don’t get me started on how much better he was than Nickelback.  Because, truthfully, aren’t we all better than Nickelback?

Johnny B. Goode,” “Maybellene,” “Roll Over Beethoven,” “Rock and Roll Music,” “Sweet Little Sixteen.”  If you do not know these songs, you need to click these links and listen to them.

Unfortunately, Chuck Berry eventually turned to television and created such crap as “The Gong Show” and “The Newlywed Game.”

This hit goes to: Mary!  Mary gets on the board with a strong 10 points: this is where she makes her move!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Actress and star of “Singin’ in the Rain,” Debbie Reynolds died at the spry age of 84.

Reynolds grew up in El Paso, Texas where her father was a ditch digger and her mother took in laundry.  In other words: they were the poorest family in El Paso, Texas.  Which is an accomplishment in itself.

She was only 19 when she was cast in “Singin’ in the Rain,” a movie that I will simply trust that you have seen because I am assuming that you are a human with a soul.  Or am I supposing erroneously?

At the time she lived with her parents and commuted to the set. She woke up at 4:00 AM to ride three different buses to the studio.  Sometimes, it was easier to just sleep on the set.  She was living the Hollywood dream.

Reynolds was not a dancer at the time she made “Singin’ in the Rain,” she was as a gymnast. Kelly apparently insulted her for her lack of dance experience, upsetting her.

reynolds

Reynold’s foot is cropped out of this photo because of all the blood.

 ‘Cuz you know, Gene Kelly: Dick.

When Fred Astaire found Reynolds crying under a piano. He volunteered to help her with her dancing.  Luckily she had that gymnastics background because Astaire was a known as a boorish lummox who always blundered across the stage.  

[Maybe I should double check that… nah… I’m pretty sure hatesoldtimeydancing5401 knows what he-or-she is talking about.]

After shooting the “Good Morning” routine from 8:00 AM until 11:00 PM, Reynolds’ feet were bleeding and she had to be, literally, carried off the set.

Despite this, Gene Kelly decided that someone should dub her tap sounds, so he went into a dubbing room to dub the sound of her feet as well as his own.  ‘Cuz you know, Gene Kelly: Dick.

Reynolds later said that Kelly “is a perfectionist and a disciplinarian–the most exciting director I’ve ever worked for. And he has a good temper. Every so often he would yell at me and make me cry.”  A guy with a good temper that makes you cry… Did she understand what the words “Good” and” Temper” mean when juxtaposed together like that?

Even Donald O’Connor admitted that he did not enjoy working with Gene Kelly, because he was a of a tyrant.  O’Connor said that for the first several weeks he was terrified of making a mistake and being yelled at by Kelly.   ‘Cuz you know, Gene Kelly: Dick.

Years later, Reynolds said that “‘Singin’ in the Rain’ and childbirth were the two hardest things I ever had to do in my life.”

Kelly later admitted that he had not been kind to Reynolds and was surprised that she was still willing to talk to him afterwards.   Frankly, so am I.  ‘Cuz you know, Gene Kelly: Dick.

There was a lot more about Reynold’s life that I could have written about.  But I so enjoy calling out Gene Kelly for his douchebaggery and dickishness.

This hit goes to: Wes!  He has three hits now and is only 10 points behind the leader!  Happy early birthday, Wes!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Pop singer, uber-hunk and public sex enthusiast, George Michael died of heart failure at the spry age of 53.  He was found dead in his bed when someone went to wake him up before they went-went.

See, last Christmas, he gave someone his heart.  This year, to save him from tears, his heart simply stopped.  So, he’s not gonna make that mistake again.

Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou (presumably in the back room of the Acropolis Diner) Michael was ½ of the duo known as Wham! In the 80s.  

[Before you crack any Andrew Ridgeley-is-a-has-been jokes, know that he retired from the spotlight and has amassed £10 million from sales and royalties of records.]

Wham! [If you don’t put in the exclamation point, you’re an asshole.] was known for “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” “Last Christmas,” and “Wham! Rap.”

Last Christmas, is currently number 16 in the UK singles chart.  It is the biggest selling

michael

George Mich— well, don’t need me to tell you.  I’m sure that you recognize dat ass.

single not to reach number one.  It never reached #1 because “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” took that spot.  Frickin’ starving Africans ruin everything.

George donated all of the royalties from “Last Christmas” to the Band-Aid charity.  

The world was shocked when Michael disclosed he was gay [Did I say “shocked?”  That might be wrong…] in 1998 after being arrested in a public toilet for engaging in a lewd act.  

The music video for the single that followed, “Outside,” featured a men’s bathroom transformed into a disco and policemen kissing.  It was soooo hot.

No word on what that lewd act was…. I’m thinking… pooping?

In 2006 and in 2008 was charged with possession of class A drugs, including crack cocaine.  (Class A meaning the good shit.  Hey, the man was rich, he’s not gonna buy class D drugs.)

In September 2010, Michael received an eight-week prison sentence following an incident in which he crashed his Range Rover into a shop in north London. He was just happy to have sex in a bathroom again.

My wife has always always been and always will be a huge George Michael fan.  I used to make fun of her mercilessly for loving such a pretty-boy, bubble-gum pop star.  I was wrong.  Over time I became more familiar with his lyrics and musical stylings and have since conceded that while I may not be a fan like my wife, I respect the genius in his work.  Yes, that is me admitting that I am wrong.  You only get to see this once every four hours, people.

Trump tweeted that George Michael’s Sports Machine was a tremendous show and that ESPN will never find such a bigly talent again.

Douche.

You know… all this reminds me of a song.  A song that goes a little something… like this…

 

Well I guess it would be nice

If they inter his body

I know not everybody

Has got a body like him

 

I guess he should have thought twice

Before he withered his heart away

With all the druggy games he played

And he got pneumonia too.

 

Oh but he needed some time off

From taking potions

Time to pick his heart up off the floor

Oh and when that crack goes down there

Without precaution

Well it takes a strong heart baby

To rebound from that and more

 

It’s the cause of death

It caused his death

It’s the cause of his death death

The cause of his death death death

 

Baby,

His fans are asking him to stay

Saying please please please don’t go away

Say he’s giving them the blues

Maybe

They need to realize he’s dead

Been dead since noon yesterday

And coming back from that is against all rules.

 

Before this obit

Went into Motion

Before his heart gave out the day before

Oh oh Jami might reconsider

Stick to her devotion

Instead she got a hit that gives her 50 points more

 

Yes you gotta have death..

Mmm, you gotta have death

‘Cause you gotta have death, death, death

You gotta hav death-a-death-a-death

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Professional hayseed, Gordie Tapp, died at the spry age of 94

Tapp was a country “music” singer and story teller who was featured on Hee-Haw.

His hits included “Nobody’s Singing Them Cowboy Songs No More” and “Many Others.”

No, he actually had a song called “Many Others.”

Tapp studied at the Lorne Greene Academy of Radio Arts.  That’s a thing?

Tapp later emceed the CBC television show Country Hoedown (as opposed to the city hoedown which is a pimp shooting one of his employees).

He went on to perform and write for the CBS television show “Hee Haw.”  For those unfamiliar with the specific type of hell that is “Hee Haw,” it was variety show featuring country “music” and “humor.”  It aired from 1969–1971 and ran in syndication for 21

tapp

An image of Tapp watching “Hee Haw” for the 1st time.

years.  It was like “Laugh-In” for hicks.

“Hee Haw” is everything that is wrong with everything.  “Hee Haw” is to entertainment what Lucifer is to God.

On the show, Tapp played Cousin Clem (that name alone should tell you how awful it is), Samuel B. Sternwheeler, Mr. Gordon the storekeeper, and Lavern Nagger, the forever put-upon husband of Ida Lee Nagger (Roni Stoneman).  All of these characters are atrocious.

Really, you should YouTube some of this shit just to see how truly appalling it is.  I really cannot express in words the utter terribleness that is “Hee Haw.”

The show was a precursor to the redneck “humor” that people like Larry the Cable Guy still spout out today.  The “Ain’t-it-funny-how-ignorant-we-are” type of humor is just grating on the human soul.

Tapp was inducted into the Canadian Country Music Hall of Fame in 1990.  That’s a thing?

This hot goes to: Josh!  God bless him for picking a bunch of “Hee Haw” hicks!  He is now tied with Jami for 3rd place!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Jami: 40 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Here’s the story

Of a real old lady

Who died and then gave Josh 20 points

She was 82 and with heart failure

But she was all alone.

Till the one day when she went to Cedars-Sinai.

wesson

Say what you will, but that woman had Wessonality!

And they knew, it was much more than a hunch.

That this woman, she could not live forever

That’s the way that she became the Brady Corpse

The Brady Corpse

The Brady Corpse

That’s the way she became the Brady Corpse

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 50 – (Holly Dunn – 50)

Josh: 20 – (Florence Henderson – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)