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Category Archives: Scandal

Meanwhile, in stately Wayne Manor, Adam West lies in state after dying at the spry age of 88.

West, along with Burt Ward, were the original Ambiguously Gay Duo in the campy 60’ TV show Batman.  (BIFF!!!  BAM!!! KA-POW!!!!)

The show was cancelled after three seasons because after a ratings slump, the show wasbam just too expensive.  It was the most expensive TV show on the air at the time.  Which today, is laughable.  I mean, the cast of Friends made more in one episode than it cost to make a whole season of Batman.

West always knew that the only real catwoman was Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt and Lee Meriwether.

He also questioned why Batman doesn’t dance any more and wondered if anyone remembered the Batusi.

west

West & Ward, shown here peaking.

But Batman was filmed at the height of free-love and it turned into a back-stage bat porno.  (Holy Bat-Pole, Batman!)

According to Burt Ward’s autobiography, Boy Wonder: My Life in Tights (available on Amazon for sixty bucks), they got more pussy than all three cat women combined.

As Ward actually put it, “Everyone wanted our Bat Sperm in every orifice.”

Now, this claim is only found in Ward’s self-published book.  So, there might not be spuriousness involved.

West himself was asked about it and his reply was that “Burt fell victim to making up stories to sell books.”

He then noted that Ward only possessed Robin Sperm and that Bat Sperm was 100%.  Pure.  West.

West was born in Walla Walla, Washington, which I bring up because saying Walla Walla is fun.  Plus, it explains why he smelled like a Walla Wallan.

This hit goes to: Josh!  He is now in a tie for 1st place with Wes!  Biff]

And I think it’s time to say what is clearly on everyone’s minds: Josh and Wes are dicks.  Comin’ in a rookies.  Gettin’ 5 or 6 hits.  140 points each.  Assholes.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

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Former dictator and human pineapple, Manuel Noriega died at the spry age of 83.

Noriega put the “Dick” in Dictator.  He ruled Panama in the 80s where he helped the US, helped Cuba and sold a lot of drugs.

He was known for brandishing a machete during speeches.

He lived a lavish, libertine life off drug-trade riches, complete with luxurious mansions, cocaine-fueled parties and voluminous collections of antique guns.

Most importantly, he liked to display his teddy bears dressed as paratroopers.  

pineapplepokopo

Noriega, shown here doing his impression of Dick Cheney.

Oh, how I Googled and Googled the hell out of “Manuel Noriega’s Teddy Bear Collection.”  Alas, not even a thumbnail could be found.

In 1989, George Bush #1 got tired of his antics and shenanigans, even if it did keep Crockett & Tubbs employed.

With operation “Just Cause” (a name Bush came up with at retreat called “Operation: Lame Names”) the US invaded Panama (because invading is what we do) and deposed Noriega (because deposing is what we also do.  Ain’t that right, Chile?).  

A separate operation to keep Noriega from escaping was deployed.  This was Operation “Nifty Package.”  No.  Really.  Bush got his money’s worth at that retreat.

Noriega ended up holed up in a mission set up by the Vatican.  He came in and claimed sanctuary, just like Quasimodo.

To flush him out, the US used what is called Music Torture.  A fleet of Humvees mounted with loudspeakers rolled in, and blasted music, 24 hours a day, in this densely populated area.  I believe it was Operation “Neat-o Tunes.”

The playlist included The Clash, Van Halen, U2, Bruce Cockburn, Guns-n-Roses and The Doors.

Thee Office of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff maintains that the music was used principally to prevent parabolic microphones from being used to eavesdrop on negotiations.  In other words: they lied.  Again.  It’s what they do.  (Ain’t that right, Weapons of Mass Destruction?)

After ten days of this, Noriega surrendered.  It was later noted that if country “music” was played, the standoff would have only lasted two hours.  But we couldn’t do that to the brave soldiers manning the Humvees.

Noriega then spent his time traveling the world.  He stayed in Jails in the US, France and… well, Panama.

Later that year, “Miami Vice” was then cancelled.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Then Noriega died.

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Their swath through 80s mediocrity continues!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Death Row inmate Terry Edwards was executed in the “great” state of (you guessed it) Texas at the spry age of 43.  Edwards was convicted of robbing a Subway with his cousin, who may have been the one to pull the trigger.

It is unclear if Edwards was a murderer or a victim of institutional racism.  And, while a shadow of doubt existed… this is Texas.

Texas has executed more people since 1976 than the next six states combined.  The death penalty is considered by many to be a deterrent from crime.  

In Texas, it is considered more of a hobby.

That’s why there’s no crime in Texas.  Because their killings scare people straight.  See,

jared-fogle

“Come to Subway.  Bring the kids!”  [You’re supposed to unwrap it before you eat it, douchebag.]

Texas is a shangrila compared to the rest of the nation.  I bet you couldn’t name one murder victim in the whole state!  Se, you couldn’t.  I’m clearly right.

Actually, Texas is right smack dab in the middle of crime rates when compared to the rest of the nation (22nd worst murder rate).  

The truth is: Texas just sucks.  On the list of places to never step foot, Texas is right there next to hell and a Nickelback concert.

Texas is the country music of the nation.  It is the Lars Von Trier movie of the nation.   The liver and onions of an otherwise delectable meal.  The Michael Bay.  The Youtube commenter.  The stepping on a lego in the middle of the night.  The burnt roof of your mouth from hot pizza.  Texas is the state that steals your lunch out of the fridge at work.  It is the Donald Trump of the nation.  [Everythings bigly in Texas.]

Edwards’ attorneys cast doubt on the fairness of the jury selection, saying that prosecutors “removed all eligible African Americans from the jury pool of 3,000 citizens and seated an all-white jury to decide the fate of an African American man charged with murdering two white people.”  

Now, there’s no way that’s coincidence.  I mean, here in Vermont, yes, that is probably a statistical reality.  But Texas has a 30% minority population.

They found a strike list that next to the names of 32 of the questioned potential jurors has a handwritten, encircled “B.”  That could stand for “black.”  Because they don’t worry about buoyancy.  

Now, there is precedent from a case of a black man convicted of killing a white woman in Georgia being unconstitutional because of the way black jurors were excluded. In that case, prosecutors marked the names of black jurors with a “B” on lists.

This the “Institutional” part of “Institutional Racism,” boys and girls.

There was no clear gunshot residue from the murder weapon on his hands.  No blood from either victim on his body or clothes.  Now, the guy went in a robbed a Subway, so not exactly a stand-up citizen.  But should you die for stealing money from the people who made Jared Fogel rich?

See, this is how our government works.  We mark the race of jurors to make sure that no darkies get a say when prosecuting one of their own.  Instead of getting to the truth, we’re happy to get alternative facts.

Edwards may have been guilty as hell.  The real problem is that we killed him without actually knowing if he was guilty as hell or not.

Edwards’ last words were “Yes, I made peace with God. I hope y’all make peace with this.”

Unfortunately, they already have.

This hit puts Josh on top with 100 points!  A rookie with triple digits 12 weeks in!  That’s pretty impressive!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Former professional wrestler Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka escaped the Trump presidency last week at the spry age of 73.

Snuka is best known for his time with the WWF (now the “WWE”… stupid fuckin’ pandas) where he introduced the “high-flying” style of wrestling.

The bastard child of Louisa Smith and Charles Thomas, Snuka was born in Figi.  Looking for a Fiji joke… looking… looooooking… aaaand I got nothin’.

Snuka’s 1st match was in 1970, against a foe whoes very name was synonymous with pain

snuka

Snuka during his Milli Vanilli audition.

and fear: Maxwell “Bunny” Butler.  Because there’s nothing more threatening than a bunny.  Well… maybe a butler.  That’s worse than calling your team The Orioles.  

In 1982, Snuka entered the WWF as a heel under the guidance of Captain Lou Albano (and,one assumes, Cyndi Lauper). Snuka lost several title shots against WWF Champion Bob Backlund (“Get you DICTIONARIES!”)  [OK, I know I’m the only one who gets that reference, but it’s just that damn funny.]

Snuka was arrested in 2015 on third-degree murder charges, of his girlfriend, Nancy Argentino, who died in 1983.  Snuka was ultimately found unfit to stand trial due to his dementia.  The charges were dismissed and Snuka died twelve days later.

It’s the old Guy-meets-girl-and-kills-her-and-is-charged-for-it-32-years-later-and-gets-off-because-his-mind-is-mush-then-he-dies-in-less-than-a-fortnight story that we’ve seen a thousand times over.  Really, he lived a cliched life.

The incident happened after a WWF TV taping in Allentown, Pennsylvania, Snuka placed a call for an ambulance from the George Washington Motor Lodge.

Talk about living the glamourous life of a professional wrestler!  You get to stay at the George-friggin’-Washington Motor Lodge!

This bastion of comfort and luxury is now a Home Depot.

This hit puts Team Sushi on the board with 30 points!  They now have ⅓ of the leader’s score!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (William Christopher – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Pop singer, uber-hunk and public sex enthusiast, George Michael died of heart failure at the spry age of 53.  He was found dead in his bed when someone went to wake him up before they went-went.

See, last Christmas, he gave someone his heart.  This year, to save him from tears, his heart simply stopped.  So, he’s not gonna make that mistake again.

Born Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou (presumably in the back room of the Acropolis Diner) Michael was ½ of the duo known as Wham! In the 80s.  

[Before you crack any Andrew Ridgeley-is-a-has-been jokes, know that he retired from the spotlight and has amassed £10 million from sales and royalties of records.]

Wham! [If you don’t put in the exclamation point, you’re an asshole.] was known for “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” “Last Christmas,” and “Wham! Rap.”

Last Christmas, is currently number 16 in the UK singles chart.  It is the biggest selling

michael

George Mich— well, don’t need me to tell you.  I’m sure that you recognize dat ass.

single not to reach number one.  It never reached #1 because “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” took that spot.  Frickin’ starving Africans ruin everything.

George donated all of the royalties from “Last Christmas” to the Band-Aid charity.  

The world was shocked when Michael disclosed he was gay [Did I say “shocked?”  That might be wrong…] in 1998 after being arrested in a public toilet for engaging in a lewd act.  

The music video for the single that followed, “Outside,” featured a men’s bathroom transformed into a disco and policemen kissing.  It was soooo hot.

No word on what that lewd act was…. I’m thinking… pooping?

In 2006 and in 2008 was charged with possession of class A drugs, including crack cocaine.  (Class A meaning the good shit.  Hey, the man was rich, he’s not gonna buy class D drugs.)

In September 2010, Michael received an eight-week prison sentence following an incident in which he crashed his Range Rover into a shop in north London. He was just happy to have sex in a bathroom again.

My wife has always always been and always will be a huge George Michael fan.  I used to make fun of her mercilessly for loving such a pretty-boy, bubble-gum pop star.  I was wrong.  Over time I became more familiar with his lyrics and musical stylings and have since conceded that while I may not be a fan like my wife, I respect the genius in his work.  Yes, that is me admitting that I am wrong.  You only get to see this once every four hours, people.

Trump tweeted that George Michael’s Sports Machine was a tremendous show and that ESPN will never find such a bigly talent again.

Douche.

You know… all this reminds me of a song.  A song that goes a little something… like this…

 

Well I guess it would be nice

If they inter his body

I know not everybody

Has got a body like him

 

I guess he should have thought twice

Before he withered his heart away

With all the druggy games he played

And he got pneumonia too.

 

Oh but he needed some time off

From taking potions

Time to pick his heart up off the floor

Oh and when that crack goes down there

Without precaution

Well it takes a strong heart baby

To rebound from that and more

 

It’s the cause of death

It caused his death

It’s the cause of his death death

The cause of his death death death

 

Baby,

His fans are asking him to stay

Saying please please please don’t go away

Say he’s giving them the blues

Maybe

They need to realize he’s dead

Been dead since noon yesterday

And coming back from that is against all rules.

 

Before this obit

Went into Motion

Before his heart gave out the day before

Oh oh Jami might reconsider

Stick to her devotion

Instead she got a hit that gives her 50 points more

 

Yes you gotta have death..

Mmm, you gotta have death

‘Cause you gotta have death, death, death

You gotta hav death-a-death-a-death

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Professional wife, Zsa Zsa Gabor died at the spry age of 99, fifty days before her 100th birthday.

Gabor was married at least eight times.  Nine times if you count the one that lasted about 24 hours.

She said that “A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.”

She was born in Budapest as Sári Gábor.  She changed her name to Zsa Zsa because she

File photo of Zsa Zsa Gabor in Beverly Hills

Zsa Zsa, shown here not giving two fucks.

knew that being Zsa Zsa meant never having to say you’re Sári.

Gabor was known for flaunting a Lifestyles-of-the-Rich-&-Famous life and calling everyone “Dahlink.”  [Fun fact: Dahlink actually translates to “mother-fucking worthless barrel of monkey-spunk.”  Although some scholars argue the “mother-fucker” portion of the translation.]

In 1936, Zsa Zsa won the title of Miss Hungary.  But this was during the Depression and being Miss Hungary wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

In 1989, she was arrested for slapping a police officer who had pulled her over and found that her license had expired and that she had an open vodka bottle in her Rolls-Royce convertible.  That was funny…

Basically, Zsa Zsa didn’t give two fucks.  She said things like, “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.”  And, “It’s never as easy to keep your own spouse happy as it is to make someone else’s spouse happy.”

So, she’s going around marrying for money (“I have learned that not diamonds but divorce lawyers are a girl’s best friend.”, “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”), cheating on her husbands (“Sexual attraction only lasts two years, and who wants to stay with a man if you’re not sexually attracted?”), being the other woman and not giving a shit what anyone thinks of her.

I don’t know if she’s a national hero or just an awful human being.

This hit goes to Jami!  This is Jami’s 2nd holdover to die so far this year!  She’s been drafting Zsa2 for years now.  This makes the hit that much more satisfying.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Jami: 40 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Ghost Singer Agnes Nixon… no?  She wasn’t a singer?  OK, former 1st Lady, Agne… That was Pat Nixon?  Then who the hell is Angie Nixon?

Angie Nixon who used soap operas as a soap box (Soap Opera Box?  No, I think it’s Soap Box Opera) died at the spry age of 93.

In 1962 she wrote a “Guiding Light” storyline in which a character is diagnosed with uterine cancer after waiting too long to undergo a Pap smear.  She had to do this without using the words “cancer,” “Pap Test” or “uterus.”  I think she called cancer “a bummer,” the Pap test “scrapey-scrapey” and the uterus was just “the baby pocket.”

This was considered the first medical storyline in a daytime drama.  This is pretty significant when you consider that every soap opera has a hospital set that plays a

agnes-nixon-1

Nixon, on her deathbed, confessing to her adopted daughter that she married her twin brother who is now in a coma. 

prominent role.  (Not to mention the comas… So.  Many.  Comas.)

This storyline had a huge impact because it educated women that they needed to undergo the joy that is a Pap smear every so often.  In 2002 she was granted the Pioneer for Health Award by Sentinel for Health (which totally sounds made up)  for raising awareness… back in 1962.  Timely, guys.  Timely.  

In her career, she would tackle child abuse, AIDS, racial segregation, racism, abortion, addiction and the Vietnam War in the two soaps she created: “All My Children” and “One Life to Live.”  She would then go on to create NBC’s “The More You Know” segments because people got ass-tired of “A-very-special” episodes.  This shift in opinion came about the time a young Arnold Drummond was inappropriately propositioned by a former Cincinnati radio station manager.

Her shows featured gay characters, transgender characters, characters with AIDS and alcoholism and drug addiction, characters who abused children or were abused as children.  She really went for the laughs.  

She even cast two black actors (or, as they were called at the time “neeegro actors”) in the lead of “One Life to Live.”  A texas station promptly cancelled the show.  Really.  But it being the 60s, I guess I should be surprised that it was only one station.

This hit goes to: Gianna!  Again!  This moves her up to 80 points, a mere 110 behind the leader.

SPMI

PS: Draft night is 11/5 – a mere 37 days away!

Current Standings:

Jami: 190 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10, Edward Albee – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Joanne: 130 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20, Buckwheat Zydeco – 40)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Harmony: 100 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30, Gene Wilder – 20, Arnold Palmer – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Gianna: 80 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20, Herschell Gordon Lewis – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Star of “Law & Order,” (insert chung-chung sound here) and the 1st season of “Mission: Impossible,” Steven Hill died at the spry age of 94.

Hill will be most remembered for his role of the stern, seemingly imperturbable district attorney Adam Schiff on “Law & Order,” (insert chung-chung sound here).  But he really kicked ass as Daniel Briggs in the 1st season of “Mission: Impossible.”

But why only the 1st season?  Because he was Jewish.

As one of the few Orthodox Jewish actors working in Hollywood, he made it clear in advance of production that he was not able to work on the Sabbath (i.e., sundown Friday to dusk Saturday), and that he would leave the set every Friday before sundown.

The producers were all: “Yeah, sure, guy, that sounds great…”  Then, when Sundown

Steven Hill

“I’m gonna make it to that goddamned Seder if it kills my career!”

neared on Fridays and he left the studio (sometimes while still filming) the producers were suddenly like: “Oh, wait.  You were serious about that shit?  ‘Cuz that shit ain’t gonna fly.”

This became quite a sticking point with the producers.  They tried to use him less and less as episodes went on.  Normally, the show starts with the IMF team leader getting a mission (should he choose to accept it), doing the mission (because he always accepted it) and then kicking back with a scotch and soda at the nearest go-go bar.

Towards the end of the season, Hill would just get the mission and IMF his team would do the mission without him.  There were even a few episodes where he didn’t even do that much.

They couldn’t fire him because two years earlier that whole “Civil Rights Act” had been passed and equal employment meant that you couldn’t fire someone because of their religion.

Not to mention that doing so is totally a dick move.

Towards the end of filming, Hill was told to to climb the rafters via a soundstage staircase as was called for in the script and he refused.  This was likely a safety thing and not a Jewish thing.

But the producers were all: YES!  We can fire his ass now!

After that, Hill was blackballed and couldn’t get any work for the next ten years.  

In 1983, he made his big comeback in “Yentl.”  How embarrassing for him.

This hit goes to: Mary!  Another ten point brings her to 50 below the leader!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Gianna: 40 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20)

Singer and ex-friend of Arthur Godfrey, Julius La Rosa, died at the spry age of 86.

La Rosa had a number one hit in 1953 (that’s 31 years pre-“Ghostbusters”) with the Italian language song “Eh Cumpari.”   

I’m sorry, I meant the Sicilian language song… you don’t want to confuse that shit.  It’ll piss everyone off.

The song is basically:

“Hey buddy, music is playing. What is playing? The whistle.  And what does it sound like—the whistle? [make whistling sound] the whistle, tipiti tipiti tam.”

Repeat for saxophone, mandolin, violin, trumpet and trombone.

It was the “Stairway to Heaven” of the 50s.  …but in Italian.

I mean Sicilian.

Crap.

La Rosa

The La Rosa triplets.  Guess which one is Julius.

La Rosa was a regular on both the morning Arthur Godfrey Time (broadcast on both the CBS radio and television networks) and the Wednesday night variety show Arthur Godfrey and His Friends.  That is, until Godfrey fired his ass.

On the air.

I know what you’re thinking?  “He fired his ass?  While on the air?  Clearly that is some career-ending shit!”  And it kinda was.  For Godfrey.

What happened was that, unbeknownst to the general public, Arthur Godfrey was a dick.  He insisted that everyone who works on his shows a) took mandatory dance lessons and b) could not be represented by an agent.  It was also speculated that he was angry because La Rosa got more fan-mail than he did.

That 1st one seems pretty reasonable: take dance lessons to be on a variety show.  I get that.  But La Rosa had a family emergency and he had to miss a few classes.  Plus, La Rosa was no chump, he hired an agent.

It was October 19, 1953.  The country was deep in a depression because the Yankees had just beat the Dodgers in the world series.  Ore-Ida was about to shake up the culinary world with their newest innovation: Tater-Tots.  The film “Stalag 17” taught us all to laugh about Nazi concentration camps.  And Julius La Rosa went onto Godfrey’s morning radio show to sing the song “Manhattan.”  

When he finished, Godfrey took to the mic and said, “that was Julie’s swan song with us.  He goes now, out on his own — as his own star — soon to be seen on his own programs, and I know you’ll wish him godspeed as much as I do”. Godfrey then signed off for the day saying, “This is the CBS Radio Network”.

Once La Rosa, who knew nothing about this, found out what “Swan Song” meant, he got pretty pissed.  [Really, someone had to explain it to him.]

While La Rosa’s popularity continued to thrive, the move changed the way that the public say Godfrey and lead to his eventual decline.  

HA!  Take that!  Earning less and less each year until you are only incredibly well off instead of fabulously well off!  Jerk!

This hit goes to: Joanne!  She is up to 90 points: one hit away from triple digits!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Team Sushi: 60 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Or: All the Tea in Her

Professional wrestler, “actress,” plastic surgery partron and sometimes porn star, Joanie “Chyna” Laurer, died at the spry age of 45.

Chachie is crushed.

In 1996, Chyna joined the World Wrestling Federation [now World Wrestling Entertainment because of some stupid fucking pandas] where she terrified teenage boys who were not familiar with the concept of strong women.  

Vince McMahon, the owner of the WWF, initially did not want her to join the company because he did not believe the audience would find a woman beating up men believable.  But to be fair, Vince McMahon is a dick.

Wrestling fans watched in awe as her masculine looks were chiseled away over the years to make her look more and more womanly.  Because there’s no room in this world for manly-looking women.

In the aughts, when Chyna needed the dough, she cashed in by doing porn.  She starred in such award-winning classics as the cleverly named “1 Night in China,”(which made Roger Ebert’s top ten movies of 2004) and the clever sequel “Another Night in China” (Which Ebert was sorely disappointed in… but Roper loved it).

Chyna

The evolution of Chyna.  I wonder if her breasts are real?

So the takeaway here is that there are actual porn awards.  I’d really hate to see the statuettes that they give out.

She also starred as She-Hulk in “Avengers: XXX.”  Imagine Stan lee’s cameo in that.  There’s a mental picture for you.  (Spoiler alert: he’s the plumber.)

When Matt Lauer was asked for comment he said, “I don’t know why you think I am related to her because our names are spelled and pronounced differently.”

This hit puts Team Sushi on the board in a big way with 60 points!  They are a mere 110 points behind the leader… sounds depressing, don’t it…

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Joanne: 70 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10)

Team Sushi: 60 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)