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Category Archives: science

Dr. Henry J. Heimlich became the latest person to avoid living under president Trump when he died at the spry age of 96.

Heimlich invented this… sort of  maneuver that is used to help someone when they are choking.  The name of the maneuver escapes me right now.  …I’ll think of it.

Heimlich’s maneuver (The Flanking Maneuver?) is credited with saving an estimated 100,000 lives.  

In the 1970s, choking was the sixth-leading cause of accidental death in America: some 4,000 fatalities annually, many of them children.  Today that number is down to about 2,500.  [According to Google… and the internet is always right.]  I mean, that’s still a lot…

heimlich

Heimlich always dreamed of putting the maneuvers on Johnny Carson.

but less!

People saved by the maneuver (The Orchestral Maneuver?) include Ronald Reagan, Edward I. Koch, Elizabeth Taylor, Goldie Hawn, Cher, Walter Matthau, Halle Berry, Carrie Fisher, Jack Lemmon, John Chancellor and Dick Vitale.

Well, Dick Vitale dying wouldn’t have been so bad…

Heimlich used it himself this year.  On May 23 he saved the life of Patty Ris, an 87-year-old woman choking on meat [dirty] at their senior residence in Cincinnati. He said it was the first time he had ever used the maneuver (Defensive Spiral Maneuver?) in an emergency.

But Heimlich isn’t just known for his maneuver (The Arabesque?) he also invented mechanical aids for chest surgery that were widely used in the Vietnam War, procedures for treating chronic lung disease and methods for helping stroke victims relearn to swallow.  That last one is just plain dirty.

This hit goes to: ME!  Yes, I found out this guy was alive a few years ago and was amazed that he was never drafted!  I now have a whopping 30 points!

And I just realized that Babysitter has zero.  So, that’s nice.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Jami: 30 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

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The Clean Marine and the 1st man to ever orbit the earth, John Glenn, died at the spry age of 95.

OK, Yuri Gagarin was the first person to orbit the earth.  But he was Russian, so that doesn’t count.

Well, really Phileas Fogg was the first person to orbit the earth, but that took him 80 days.  So that doesn’t count either.  Plus, Fogg is fictional.  So there’s that too.

Glenn was known as a squeaky clean, gosh-golly-gee-willikers type of guy.  In the Mercury program, he convinced the more rough and rowdy test pilots that they had to

glenn

“Friendship 7” was originally called “Fuck Those Commie Bastards in the Ass!”  The name was struck after the “F” was painted, so they had to come up with something else.

keep their pants zipped and their wicks dry, you know, for PR purposes.

Glenn was a Marine.  This means that he was a total bad-ass who could have probably killed me seven different ways before I knew what was coming.  I thank you John, for not doing that.

In a debate for the Senate Primary in Ohio, his opponent accused him of never holding an actual job and just living off of the military.  Glenn’s reply was to tell him to go to a veterans’ hospital and “look those men with mangled bodies in the eyes and tell them they didn’t hold a job. You go with me to any Gold Star mother and you look her in the eye and tell her that her son did not hold a job.”

Do not fuck with John Glenn!

After serving in the senate for an amount of years that I am not motivated enough to look up, the clean Marine helped found the John Glenn Institute for Public Service and Public Policy… to encourage public service.  Well named, John.  Well named.

Glenn was also a Freemason, which let him pick the President every four years and secretly run the country in general.

Tom Wolfe said that Glenn was “the last true national hero America has ever made.”  …until he watched an OK Go video.  Then he added that “OK, OK Go are the last true national heroes America has ever made.  Holy shitsnacks!  How do they do that shit!?!?”

This hit increases Wes’s lead by a whopping 10 points!  Don’t get too comfy in the lead there,Wes.  I’m about to make my move!

And by “my move” I mean that someone else will likely overcome your lead while I sit and watch.  That’s how I roll, G!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 20 (Alice Drummond – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Jami: 10 – (Fidel Castro – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 10 – (Ralph Branca – 10)

British chemist, emeritus professor and senior research fellow in earth sciences at the University of Bristol (in other words, they guy who gets invited to all the best parties), Geoffrey Eglinton, died at the spry age of 89.  

Here’s to Googling your list!

Eglinton’s insights into the geological fate of organic compounds have made him an internationally respected biogeochemist.  Think: Tony Stark but surrounded by more women.

eglington

Meet George Clooney’s competition. 

In addition to the significance of his research on molecular biomarkers, he was responsible for developing numerous techniques that remain in widespread use.  For instance, he was the first one in the office to use post-its.  Now, everyone uses them.  

He was one of the first researchers to illustrate the potential of coupled gas chromatography–mass spectrometry in organic geochemistry, Eglinton also pioneered the use of infrared spectroscopy to characterise both inter- and intra-molecular hydrogen bonding.

Inter AND intra?  No wonder he got all the chicks.

And there ain’t no party like a gas-chromatography–mass-spectrometry party, ‘cuz I don’t know what the hell that is.

These innovative techniques improved understanding of diverse aspects of the distribution, stable isotopic content and provenance of organic compounds in the global environment.

And her is where I confess that I did not understand one fucking word on his Wikipedia page.

“Illustrate the potential of coupled gas chromatography–mass spectrometry in organic geochemistry?”  What the fuck does that mean?  

I may not be the smartest guy in the room.  I amy not be the strongest guy in the room.  I may not be the prettiest guy in the room.  I may not be the best-smelling guy in the room.  But I should be able to understand a Goddamned Wikipedia page!  It’s (mis)information for the masses!

This hit goes to: Occupy the Casket!  This puts Pirate at 120 points!  Still 90 points behind the leader.  She won’t win unless something horribly tragic and horrific happens…

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Draft night is 11/5 – a mere 3 days away!

Current Standings:

Jami: 210 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10, Edward Albee – 20, Chris Sizemore – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Joanne: 130 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20, Buckwheat Zydeco – 40)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 120 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10, Geoffrey Eglinton – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Gianna: 110 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20, Herschell Gordon Lewis – 20, Pete Burns – 50)

Harmony: 100 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30, Gene Wilder – 20, Arnold Palmer – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Imaginary Steve: 60 – (King Bhumibol Adulyadej – 20, 谢家麟 – 10, 劉令名 – 30)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Chinese Physicist, Xie Jialin (谢家麟), died at the spry age of 96.  

He was an expert in accelerator physics and technology and free electron lasers, which means very little to me.  

From 1951 to 1955, he worked at the microwave and high-energy physics laboratory at Stanford University with a spry young Dr. Jonathan Osterman.

In 1955, Prof. XIE decided to return to China where he faced many difficulties including a lack of equipment and up-to-date information, and continuous exposure in a dangerous environment (putting his life in danger at times).  

When asked about this, Xie said, “Yeah, I had the best equipment in Stanford.  Sure we were all cutting-edge with information and technology.  Yeah, there was a McDonald’s within walking distance of the lab… but the real science is done in the stone-age.  You don’t need a… ah, who am I kidding.  They took my wife!  They said that they would kill her unless I invented the microwave oven for them!  Help me!  My penis glows in the dark!”

Xie was successful with  prefabrication research on various components of an electron

roony

This is NOT a representation of Steve’s hits.

linear accelerator, such as an electron gun, accelerating tube, high-power pulse modulator, microwave system and high-power klystron, he built a 30-MeV electron linac in 1964.  So, he was doing this shit when “A Hard Day’s Night” was in theaters… and I still have no idea what the fuck it is.

This hit goes to Imaginary Steve!  …oh, wait.  There’s more.

Chinese scientist Liu Lingming (劉令名) died at the spry age of 76… from what I understand.  

It appears that Liu’s existence has been wiped off of the internet.  Either he was working on some really, really, really top secret shit, or he and his family were killed because he never delivered on that microwave oven.

Imaginary Steve said that he died and I think we can take his word for it.

This gives I-Steve a whoipping 60 points for the year!  (assuming China survives until 2:00 AM this Sunday).

[Did anyone get the Watchmen reference?  No?  ..Nathaniel?]

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Draft night is 11/5 – a mere 3 days away!

Current Standings:

Jami: 210 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10, Edward Albee – 20, Chris Sizemore – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Joanne: 130 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20, Buckwheat Zydeco – 40)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Gianna: 110 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20, Herschell Gordon Lewis – 20, Pete Burns – 50)

Harmony: 100 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30, Gene Wilder – 20, Arnold Palmer – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Imaginary Steve: 60 – (King Bhumibol Adulyadej – 20, 谢家麟 – 10, 劉令名 – 30)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Inventor of the confocal microscope […Don’t look at me, I don’t know what the hell it is either…] and a father of Artificial Intelligence, Marvin Minsky died at the spry age of 88.

He also invented the head-mounted graphical display, which you wear to either a) enter a virtual reality while looking like a complete tool or b) creep everyone out by wearing

Minsky Display

Man, if only the bullies from high school could see you now… they’d totally kick the shit out of you all over again.

Google Glass… while looking like a complete tool.

His book, Perceptrons, is the center of a controversy in the history of AI, as some claim it to have had great importance in driving research away from neural networks in the 1970s, and contributing to the so-called “AI winter.”  

Oh, SNAP!  They did not go there!  They did not just blame an entire hype cycle through a collapse in perception of AI on my boy Marvin!  This shit’s about to get real, y’all!

He was actually an advisor on one of the greatest movies ever made, “2001: A Space Odyssey,” because he had shown “how neural networks could be generated automatically—self replicated—in accordance with any arbitrary learning program.”

Damn, it’s no wonder no one knows what that movie is about.

Minsky believed that there is no fundamental difference between humans and machines, and that humans are machines whose “intelligence” emerges from the interplay of the many unintelligent but semi-autonomous agents that make up the brain.

In other words, he really took that whole Schoolhouse Rock “I’m a Machine, You’re a Machine,” song to heart.

The cause of death as a cerebral hemorrhage, or as Marvin would have put it: his hard drive failure.

His invention of Skynet will obviously lead to a mechanized takeover of the world that will destroy us all.  

When reached for comment, Marvin Minsky, Jr. said “Why was I programmed to feel pain?”

This hit goes to: Mostly Mike!  He gets on the board and he has no idea why he drafted Minsky!

Nancy Reagan, somehow, still continues to live.  

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 80- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10)

Jami: 80 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 50 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 40 – (Natalie Cole – 40)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)