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Category Archives: sports

South African bad-ass Joost van der Westhuizen died at the spry age of 45.  [45!?!?! Shit!  I hope Babysitter didn’t have him!]

Why was he a bad-ass?  Let’s start with the fact that he was an internationally renowned [yes, he went through the painful nouning process] rugby player.  Frankly, you could start AND end with that.

Have you ever played rugby?  No you haven’t.  Neither have I.  You know why?  We’re fucking pussies, that’s why!  We can act all high and mighty with our American Football.  With our helmets and our shoulderpads.

You know what rugby doesn’t have?  Helmets.  You know what else it doesn’t have?  Mother-fucking shoulder pads!

The only protection you need in rugby is the ability of kicking the crap out of the other guy before he kicks the crap outta you.

Another reason he was bad-ass?   He was diagnosed with MND (I’m assuming a disease with long words that I don’t understand… Multitudinous Narciratic Disease?) in 2011, he was given just a couple of years to live (because MND is some serious shit).

He said, “fuck that,” and lived for another six years!  And in that time, he raised money

Joost

Joost playing a round of “Who’s thumb is that?”

to fight MND.  (Mandible Neurosis Disease?)

Another reason he was a bad-ass?  Van der Westhuizen won 89 caps for the Springboks scoring scored an astonishing 38 tries!  Ok, I really have no idea what the hell that means.

Van Der Westhuizen redefined scrum half play!  Scrum whole play was undisturbed by his career.

This hit goes to:  Aw, crap!   It is Babysitter!  The sitter of babies gets 60 damn points for this one, putting him at 90 points.  Still not triple digits, but OK, I guess.

Erin remains at zero.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 120 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20, Haruo Nakajima – 20, Barbara Cook – 20)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Babysitter: 90 – (June Foray – 10 – Glen Campbell – 20, Joost van der Westhuizen – 60)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Former all-star catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, Darren Daulton, died at the spry age of 55.

Daulton had battled brain cancer since 2013. He had two tumors removed in 2013, but was diagnosed with glioblastoma, an aggressive form of brain cancer that also killed his former teammate Tug McGraw and former coach John Vukovich.  

So…. contagious?  Are we looking at some kind of Outbreak situation?  Are we all gonna die from brain cancer because we are only separated by six degrees?

The long-haired Daulton, nicknamed “Dutch,” was beloved by Phillies fans and respected by teammates despite his insistence that everyone split the check.

After retiring from baseball, his life took a turn.

He was arrested for a DUI, then his license was suspended the next time for refusing to take the breathalyzer test.  He was also arrested for battery against his wife.

Daulton

Daulton was alway business in the front and party in the back.

He divorced and married professional golfer Amanda Dick because, “I always wanted a wife with a dirty name.”

But that’s not all: he also wrote a book about numerology and the occult!  If They Only Knew by Darren Daulton is available on Amazon for $16.50 on paperback or $4.99 for your Kindle.

“Daulton delves into issues of ascension, such as dimensions and levels of consciousness, the Mayan Calendar and December 21, 2012, creating one’s own reality and a lot more.”

What the fuck, dude?  Just catch the damned ball and throw it back to the pitcher.  Don’t tell me about picking the next pitch by utilizing the hidden powers of the fibonacci sequence.  

Plus, why didn’t you just create your own reality where you didn’t have brain cancer?

This hit goes to: ME!  Yes!  I take the lead in the Ghoul Pool!  Lee Kwang Soo!  Lee Kwang Soo!  Lee Kwang Soo!

Of course, this means that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will soon be proven to be alive to take the lead away.  But for now: the most reliable sources are still saying he’s dead.  And he hasn’t picked up his Subway order form eight months ago, so….

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 70 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – (June Foray – 10)

Or

The End of an Ara

Ara Parseghian, former Notre Dame football coach and rejected character name for Game of Thrones, died at the spry age of 94.

Ara took over the notre Dame football team in 1964 and turned it around with Coach-Tayloresque magic.  

That spring, student servers in Notre Dame’s dining hall noticed that football players were forsaking gravy and ice cream. The new coach had told them that they were going to be leaner and faster.  You can’t do that on a diet of grilled cheese sandwiches.

“He told us we were good; he’d give each of us a chance to show what we could do in practice,” Jack Snow said.  I’m gonna assume that Jack Snow was a football player.

From 2-7 in 1934 to 9-1 the next year.

Obit Parseghian Football

Parseghian, shown here about to call a player a “mother-fuckin’ mooch.”

He famously continued to help injured quarterback Jason Street, even going so far as to offer him a job.  He molded the bumbling Matt Saracen into a champion quarterback.

He could never get any real control on Tim Riggins drinking thought.  (WWRD)

He also kicked the slightly racistly-named Voodoo Tatum off the team because he wouldn’t play ball.

I mean that figuratively.  I mean,l, he played football.  But he didn’t play by the coach’s rules.  So, he wouldn’t play ball… you know what?  Never mind.

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Barton, being a long time fan of the Irish, is likely the source of this hit.  And with this, they break 100!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 120 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 70 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – (June Foray – 10)

Race car driver Sam Ard died at the spry age of 78.

Ard was a stock car driver in NASCAR’s XFINITY series in the eighties.  But then it was the Busch series.  But I guess advertising has changed, so the Busch series from the 80s has a new name retroactively.

I wonder if they had to change it on all the trophies too?  Did they send some guy out to re-do them at the driver’s home or did they have to bring the trophies in for service?

Did they use the same trophy vendor or are there licensed NASCAR trophy vendors throughout the nation that they could rely on.

Who pays to change it?  I would think that it would be part of the deal that XFINITY would have to pay for the changes.

There is so much about sports that I don’t know.

Ard

“Sam, what number you want on yer car?”  “I don’t know… count my teeth, we’ll go with that.”

Ard won a record 10 races in a season, which was ‘ard to do.   That record was later tied by… some guy with a southern drawl who donated $100,000 to Sam Ard’s health bills.

See, despite being a record-breaking race car driver and later a race car owner, Ard still lived in ‘Merica with it’s shitty, shitty healthcare system.

Over the years, NASCAR drivers would donate money to him to help him pay his medical bills.

I’m sure he didn’t find this embarrassing at all.

Ard suffered from Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s diseases, so he kept asking why he was shaking so much.

This hit goes to: Bean!  Which pisses me off because now he has more points than me.

Bastard.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Former professional wrestler Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka escaped the Trump presidency last week at the spry age of 73.

Snuka is best known for his time with the WWF (now the “WWE”… stupid fuckin’ pandas) where he introduced the “high-flying” style of wrestling.

The bastard child of Louisa Smith and Charles Thomas, Snuka was born in Figi.  Looking for a Fiji joke… looking… looooooking… aaaand I got nothin’.

Snuka’s 1st match was in 1970, against a foe whoes very name was synonymous with pain

snuka

Snuka during his Milli Vanilli audition.

and fear: Maxwell “Bunny” Butler.  Because there’s nothing more threatening than a bunny.  Well… maybe a butler.  That’s worse than calling your team The Orioles.  

In 1982, Snuka entered the WWF as a heel under the guidance of Captain Lou Albano (and,one assumes, Cyndi Lauper). Snuka lost several title shots against WWF Champion Bob Backlund (“Get you DICTIONARIES!”)  [OK, I know I’m the only one who gets that reference, but it’s just that damn funny.]

Snuka was arrested in 2015 on third-degree murder charges, of his girlfriend, Nancy Argentino, who died in 1983.  Snuka was ultimately found unfit to stand trial due to his dementia.  The charges were dismissed and Snuka died twelve days later.

It’s the old Guy-meets-girl-and-kills-her-and-is-charged-for-it-32-years-later-and-gets-off-because-his-mind-is-mush-then-he-dies-in-less-than-a-fortnight story that we’ve seen a thousand times over.  Really, he lived a cliched life.

The incident happened after a WWF TV taping in Allentown, Pennsylvania, Snuka placed a call for an ambulance from the George Washington Motor Lodge.

Talk about living the glamourous life of a professional wrestler!  You get to stay at the George-friggin’-Washington Motor Lodge!

This bastion of comfort and luxury is now a Home Depot.

This hit puts Team Sushi on the board with 30 points!  They now have ⅓ of the leader’s score!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (William Christopher – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Long time NBA reporter, Craig Sager, died at the spry age of 65.

Sager broadcast preseason games during the 1970s for the Chiefs. [“Who are the Chefs?”  “Great googly-moogly”]

He was waiting for Hank Aaron at third base and interviewed him on the way to home plate after Aaron hit his 715th home run.  I’m not sure what he asked Aaron, but I’m pretty sure the answer was “Get the fuck outta my way!”

Sager was co-anchor of the network’s CNN Sports Tonight shows and was honored with a CableAce award in 1985.  Oooohhh… a CableAce award… That’s the big-time right there!

sager

I’m sorry, but did you shower with Easter this morning?

He also served as Willie the Wildcat, North Western’s school’s mascot.

I think I just heard Nelson Muntz go: Ha Ha!

Sager was also known for the god-awful wardrobe that he wore on the air.  He looked terrible.  Tim Gunn wasn’t concerned, he was apoplectic.

Sager would wear coats that were loud plaid, solid neon colors, one was an orange jacket with flowery hearts all over it and black lapels.  I mean, Herb Tarlek wouldn’t wear this crap.

Sager worked under terrible sweatshop-esque conditions.  Here I am referring to the hours and hours of squeaky sneaker noises that he had to endure.  Plus, he had to watch basketball… and pay attention to it!  Man, this country need more fuckin’ unions.

Sager was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia, although he failed to see what was so goddamned cute about it.

This hit goes to: Bean!  Fuck!  I like Bean at the 10 point level where I can make fun of him.  But now he’s beating me.  

Bean is now in 2nd place, only 10 points behind the leader.  Thanks a lot, Obama!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Jami: 30 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 20 (Alice Drummond – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Ralph Branca, the man who gave up the most famous homerun in baseball history, died at the spry age of 90.

It was called “The Shot Heard ‘Round the World.”  It was the start of the Revolution.  The Minutemen were ready, on the move.  “Take your powder, and take your gun.  Report to General Washington. Hurry men, there’s not an hour to-”  Wait, wait , wait… that don’t seem right…

OK, so there were two shots heard ‘round the world (three if you count Krakatoa).  This one was where the Giants won the pennant.  It was immortalized by the announcer’s call of “The Giants win the pennant!”  A little on the nose, if you ask me.

Bobby Thomson’s dramatic three-run homer came in the ninth inning of the decisive

thompson

Though the next few years were rough, General Washington’s men proved they were tough.

third game of a three-game playoff for the pennant in which the Giants trailed, 4-2.  The game—the first ever televised nationally—was seen by millions of viewers across America and heard on radio by millions more, including thousands of American servicemen stationed in Korea.

 

Branca was devastated by the home run.  It was a pain that he would live with it for the rest of his life.

In the car after the game, Ralph asked “Why me?” and his minister told him “The reason God picked you to throw that pitch was because He knew that your faith was strong enough to withstand the agonies that would follow…  Ah, I’m just fuckin’ witchya!  It’s because you masrutbated so much when you were a kid!”

Branca handled his infamy with uncommon valor and later actually formed a bond with Thomson, with whom he did book promotions, public speaking and card show appearances for many years.

It is also worthy to note that in 1947, Branca he made a point to stand next to Jackie Robinson, who had received numerous death threats for being the first African-American to break baseball’s color line. For years afterward, Robinson always cited Branca as one of his biggest champions.  So: stand-up guy.

Plus, if Hollywood has taught me anything, black people would be nowhere if it weren’t for those brave white people.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  Bean gets on the board with an astonishing 10 points!Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 50 – (Holly Dunn – 50)

Josh: 20 – (Florence Henderson – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 10 – (Ralph Branca – 10)

The first superstar of the sport’s television age, improver if iced tea, and one of the best golfers ever, Arnold Palmer, died at the spry age of 87.

Palmer seemed molded to take sports to the next level: from hobby to national marketing machine.

His humble background and plain-spoken popularity helped change the perception of golf as an elite, upper-class pastime to a more populist sport accessible to middle and working classes.

Apparently, he was also a stunning physical specimen.  Time wrote in1960, “with strength in all the right places: massive shoulders and arms, a waist hardly big enough to hold his trousers up, thick wrists, and leather-hard, outsized hands that can crumple a beer can as though it were tissue paper.” Sounds like Time was having a sleepover where they did each other’s hair and talked about who’s dreamy.  

His timing was perfect too.  His rise came during the post war boom when prosperity [and

palmer

“I do believe I have a case of the vay-pahs.” – Time Magazine, 1960

racism… and sexism] prevailed and the American Dream meant living in the suburbs with your 2.5 kids, your white picket fence, your Donna-Reedesque housewife who knew enough to keep her mouth shut and the roast in the oven, driving your giant Ford to work while getting 1.3 miles per gallon of cheap, plentiful gas, inviting the Johnson’s over for a weenie roast, and you had the leisure time to sit and watch golf on Sundays after you mowed the lawn.  

This unprecedented time of leisure made the perfect moment to become a sports superstar because, well, guys needed to be interested in something.  What, they’re gonna talk to their wives?

Palmer could also play.  I mean, that helped.  Being America’s dream-boy with humble beginnings and leather-hard, outsized hands in post-WWII America isn’t all that propelled him to stardom.  He was a pretty good golfer too.

Palmer went to Wake Forest University, where just for laughs he’d sometimes shoot par while standing on one foot.  Maybe that’s been my problem.  I’ve been using two feet this whole damn time.

Palmer won 62 titles on the PGA Tour.  I mean, Jack Nicklaus won more, but Jack wasn’t the dream-boat that Arnie was.  He didn’t evoke the same homo-eroticism that Arnie did as he gripped his shaft with those leather-hard, outsized hands while looking down at his balls.

Palmer will always be known as one of the greatest golfers ever, but he’s also the guy that turned sports into the major marketing and endorsement machine that it is today.  In the end, his name was attached to a golf-course design outfit, auto dealerships, a golf-equipment company, two golf clubs, an aviation company and a clothing contract with Sears (on their softer side).

Oh, and once he ordered an iced tea mixed with lemonade and the lady at the next table overheard this and ordered what she called an Arnold Palmer.  So there’s that too.

This hit goes to Harmony!  Harmony breaks the triple digit barrier on her first time out!  Well done, rookie!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Draft night is 11/5 – a mere 39 days away!

Current Standings:

Jami: 190 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10, Edward Albee – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Joanne: 130 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20, Buckwheat Zydeco – 40)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Harmony: 100 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30, Gene Wilder – 20, Arnold Palmer – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Gianna: 40 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20)

OK, this is pretty old school, so here’s a primer to watch before reading:

Bean’s Buddy, Bean’s buddyBuddy Ryan

Whenever he goes

Bean crows.

Bean’s buddy, Bean’s buddy

Taught football players everything that he knows.

Bean’s Buddy, you see,

Back in the 80s

Bean’s Buddy made the Bears the best team they could be.

 

Bean’s Buddy, Bean’s Buddy

Died in his eighties.

 

Bean gains another 20 piunts because he’s a fucking prick.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Gianna: 40 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20)

Nathaniel: 10 (Alan Young – 10)

This hit’s the greatest!

Boxing great Muhammad Ali went from the Thrilla’ in Manila to a chilla’ in the… morgue.

The cause of death was finally succumbing to a blow in the head by Joe Frazier that he received back in 1971.  See, you shouldn’t have talked so much smack about Smokin’ Joe.

Ali won a shit-load of fights, many of them historic.  He had 37 wins by knockout and only five losses… yadda yadda yadda.  Boxing is boring and it sucks.

But, to say that Muhammad Ali was the fucking man would be a very gross understatement.

Soon after winning the heavyweight title, Ali converted to Islam and dropped his slave name, changing it to Muhammad Ali.  (“Cassius Clay is a slave name. I didn’t choose it and I don’t want it. I am Muhammad Ali, a free name – it means beloved of God – and I insist people use it when people speak to me and of me.”)  

We all know what his born name was, but I won’t use it here out of respect.   That’s how much of an awe-inspiring badass he was.  I, the Ghoul Pool Administrator, feel compelled to show him nothing but respect.  Me!  And I’m a fucking asshole!

In the prime of his career, Ali was arrested because he refused to be drafted into Vietnam for moral and religious reasons.  (“Why should they ask me to put on a uniform and go 10,000 miles from home and drop bombs and bullets on brown people while so-called Negro people in Louisville are treated like dogs?”)  His titles were stipped from him.  But he wasn’t gonna take any of that shit.  He fought it all the way to the Supreme Court.

His deposition opened with: “I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a

ali

He was also the fifth Beatle, aka: The Egg Man.

whale; handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail; only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick; I’m so mean I make medicine sick.”

While that had nothing to do with the case at hand, you just couldn’t stop the man from talkin’ trash.  He was just so damn good at it.

Ali scared the crap out of white folks.  They weren’t used to a strong, smart, eloquent, charismatic man who took pride in being black.  They were scared and Ali didn’t give a shit: “I am America. I am the part you won’t recognize. But get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me.”

It should also be noted that he was nominated for a Grammy for the song “The Adventures of Ali and His Gang vs. Mr. Tooth Decay.”  I’d make fun of this, but I’m pretty sure Ali would dig himself out of his grave and kick my ass for it.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  The Beaner (who happens to be a basket of asses, by the way) gains another 30 points and gets to pick a new holdover next year.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Nathaniel: 10 (Alan Young – 10)