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Former all-star catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, Darren Daulton, died at the spry age of 55.

Daulton had battled brain cancer since 2013. He had two tumors removed in 2013, but was diagnosed with glioblastoma, an aggressive form of brain cancer that also killed his former teammate Tug McGraw and former coach John Vukovich.  

So…. contagious?  Are we looking at some kind of Outbreak situation?  Are we all gonna die from brain cancer because we are only separated by six degrees?

The long-haired Daulton, nicknamed “Dutch,” was beloved by Phillies fans and respected by teammates despite his insistence that everyone split the check.

After retiring from baseball, his life took a turn.

He was arrested for a DUI, then his license was suspended the next time for refusing to take the breathalyzer test.  He was also arrested for battery against his wife.

Daulton

Daulton was alway business in the front and party in the back.

He divorced and married professional golfer Amanda Dick because, “I always wanted a wife with a dirty name.”

But that’s not all: he also wrote a book about numerology and the occult!  If They Only Knew by Darren Daulton is available on Amazon for $16.50 on paperback or $4.99 for your Kindle.

“Daulton delves into issues of ascension, such as dimensions and levels of consciousness, the Mayan Calendar and December 21, 2012, creating one’s own reality and a lot more.”

What the fuck, dude?  Just catch the damned ball and throw it back to the pitcher.  Don’t tell me about picking the next pitch by utilizing the hidden powers of the fibonacci sequence.  

Plus, why didn’t you just create your own reality where you didn’t have brain cancer?

This hit goes to: ME!  Yes!  I take the lead in the Ghoul Pool!  Lee Kwang Soo!  Lee Kwang Soo!  Lee Kwang Soo!

Of course, this means that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will soon be proven to be alive to take the lead away.  But for now: the most reliable sources are still saying he’s dead.  And he hasn’t picked up his Subway order form eight months ago, so….

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 70 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – (June Foray – 10)

Erin Moran, who played Joanie (who loved Chachi, but we’re not sure if that love was requited) from “Happy Days,” died at the spry age of 56.

Moran played the cute, spunky, pain-in-the-ass little sister on the classic sitcom “Happy Days,” from 1974 to 1984.

There was a brief, one season stint where she and Chachi moved on to their own musical sitcom, “Joanie Loves Chachi.”  

Musical sitcoms are a terrible idea.  A lesson that was well remembered until the advent of “Cop Rock.”

She complained that in later years, the producers of “Happy Days” told her that she needs to be more sexy.  To which she presumably replied: “Have you seen me?  I might be able to pull off cute, but sexy?”

In 1981, she starred in the movie “Twirl,” which also featured Lisa Whelchel (Blair from “The Facts of Life”), Missy Gold (Katie Gatling from “Benson”), Charles Haid (Andrew Renko from “Hill Street Blues”), Heather Locklear (the lead in many a boy’s wet dream), and multiple stars from “Falcon Crest.”

The cast list reads like a Who Used-To-Be Who list of 80’s TV.

Moran

After that failed “Flashdance” audition, it was all over for her.

After Happy Days went off the air, her life jumped the shark and she did not work much.  Sure, she had stints on “The Love Boat,” “Murder, She Wrote,” and “Diagnosis: Murder,” like so many washed-up B-listers… and C-listers ..and– you get the point.

After 1984,Happy Days ended in more way than one.

She spiraled into depression between her lack of work and the mysterious disappearance of her brother, Chuck, which had haunted her for the past nine years.

Like any good episode of “Behind the Music,” Moran turned to drugs and alcohol.

In the 90s she was evicted from a trailer park, which is a pretty hard thing to do.  Trailer parks don’t exactly set a high bar.

According to the Daily Mail, her death was allegedly due to a heroin overdose.  But this is the Daily Mail… so, of course, It has been announced that she probably died of cancer.

They also said that Moran was “broke and homeless” after she was kicked out of her mother-in-law’s trailer, which is a pretty hard thing to do.  Because her mother-in-law doesn’t exactly set a high bar.

According to Paul Petersen, who runs the child-actor advocacy group A Minor Consideration, many former child stars had reached out to her in the past week or so.  (Obviously Ron Howard, with a job offer in hand, was not one of them).

Petersen said, “We did our best with the resources available to us, but it was a very dark room. Some don’t find the light switch in time.”

So, if you got a hold of her… it would have… cured stage four cancer?  Sheesh.  Someone sure thinks a lot of himself.

Scott Baio released the following statement: “Trump is great.  Trump is great.  Trump is great.”

What a dick.

This hit goes to: Wes!  One rookie just took the lead from another one!  Wes sits high upon Ghoul Pool Mountain (well, really more of a hill) with 140 points!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Ghost Singer Agnes Nixon… no?  She wasn’t a singer?  OK, former 1st Lady, Agne… That was Pat Nixon?  Then who the hell is Angie Nixon?

Angie Nixon who used soap operas as a soap box (Soap Opera Box?  No, I think it’s Soap Box Opera) died at the spry age of 93.

In 1962 she wrote a “Guiding Light” storyline in which a character is diagnosed with uterine cancer after waiting too long to undergo a Pap smear.  She had to do this without using the words “cancer,” “Pap Test” or “uterus.”  I think she called cancer “a bummer,” the Pap test “scrapey-scrapey” and the uterus was just “the baby pocket.”

This was considered the first medical storyline in a daytime drama.  This is pretty significant when you consider that every soap opera has a hospital set that plays a

agnes-nixon-1

Nixon, on her deathbed, confessing to her adopted daughter that she married her twin brother who is now in a coma. 

prominent role.  (Not to mention the comas… So.  Many.  Comas.)

This storyline had a huge impact because it educated women that they needed to undergo the joy that is a Pap smear every so often.  In 2002 she was granted the Pioneer for Health Award by Sentinel for Health (which totally sounds made up)  for raising awareness… back in 1962.  Timely, guys.  Timely.  

In her career, she would tackle child abuse, AIDS, racial segregation, racism, abortion, addiction and the Vietnam War in the two soaps she created: “All My Children” and “One Life to Live.”  She would then go on to create NBC’s “The More You Know” segments because people got ass-tired of “A-very-special” episodes.  This shift in opinion came about the time a young Arnold Drummond was inappropriately propositioned by a former Cincinnati radio station manager.

Her shows featured gay characters, transgender characters, characters with AIDS and alcoholism and drug addiction, characters who abused children or were abused as children.  She really went for the laughs.  

She even cast two black actors (or, as they were called at the time “neeegro actors”) in the lead of “One Life to Live.”  A texas station promptly cancelled the show.  Really.  But it being the 60s, I guess I should be surprised that it was only one station.

This hit goes to: Gianna!  Again!  This moves her up to 80 points, a mere 110 behind the leader.

SPMI

PS: Draft night is 11/5 – a mere 37 days away!

Current Standings:

Jami: 190 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10, Edward Albee – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Joanne: 130 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20, Buckwheat Zydeco – 40)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Harmony: 100 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30, Gene Wilder – 20, Arnold Palmer – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Gianna: 80 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20, Herschell Gordon Lewis – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Country “singer” (read: killer of all things musical), Joey Feek died at the spry age of 40.

Named after a baby kangaroo, Feek was half of the country duo Joey + Rory (obviously a wink to Baz Luhrman’s “Romeo + Juliet”).    She sang lead vocals, he wore overalls.

Seriously.

The man wants to be taken seriously while wearing Osh Kosh B’gosh.  

Fuckin’ country music…

The husband and wife duo made it big after winning “Can You Duet” on CMT.  Think “American Idol,” which is awful enough, but for hayseeds.  In other words: if I go to hell, it will be me watching this show forever.  And basketball.  A loop of “Can You Duet” and March Madness.  Holy shitsnacks, I gotta stop sinning so much.

Oh, wait.  They didn’t win.  They came in third.  They were that shitty.  They couldn’t even

feek

Overalls.

be the best of the worst.

The duo’s debut album, “The Life of a Song,” was released on October 28, 2008 on Sugar Hill Records, the label that said “a hip hop, the hippie to the hippie the hip hip a hop, and you don’t stop.”

They followed that up with “Album Number Two” because, you know, they’re cheeky.

In 2014, Joey was diagnosed with cervical cancer (because God is a music fan) and it soon spread all over like so much nutella.  

Her husband kept a blog of their experiences which will soon be turned into a Lifetime movie.  It will be the inspirational kind, not the victim genre.  More “Christmas Shoes” and less “Burning Bed.”

In a blog post Friday announcing her death, Rory Feek wrote, “My wife’s greatest dream came true today. She is in Heaven.”  Sure, as far as he knows.  He’s assuming that God is not a music fan.  (See above.)

This hit puts Joanne on the board in a BIG way!  she has 60 points and is poised to jump in front of me!  And she’s a mere 40 points behind the leader!

Nancy Reagan, somehow, still continues to live.  

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 80- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10)

Joanne: 60 (Joey Feek – 60)

The Girl on Fire: 60 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Harmony: 30 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10)

Mortician’s Daughter: 30 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Former WCIA-TV News anchor, Dave Benton, died at the spry age of 52.

…in May.

Benton made a dramatic on-air announcement that he had brain cancer and that he had four to six months to live.

He left the following April because he had trouble reading.  That was not because of his cancer, he simply never learned how to read.  Turns out, he was just making shit up every night.

Benton was born again Christian, so you don’t have to feel too bad about him dying because he’s had two lives… man, I gotta figure out how to get born again when I die.  I wonder why he didn’t become born again, again?  I mean, if you can do it once, seems daft that you can’t do it again.  I mean, the guy had kids.

Benton went through Chemo, and we all see how well that worked.  “I’ve been fortunate not to have a lot of side effects so far,” he said. “I sleep a lot the week of treatment.  By that Thursday or Friday, I’m exhausted. I sleep all weekend long, and I

He could never tell if the cancer caused the voices in his head, or if it was his producer yammering on into his earpiece.

He could never tell if the cancer caused the voices in his head, or if it was his producer yammering on into his earpiece.

kind of bounce back.”  

His kids are still pissed that their dad slept instead of going to their little league games.  They often commented that he loved having radioactive material injected into his bloodstream more than he loved them.  To be honest, his kids are kinda dicks.  Maybe that’s why he didn’t do the “being born a third time” thing.

Team Sushi will have to be thanking me for years to come for finding this hit.  They drafted him before I could last year.  When I was doing some Ghoul Pool research for this year (which you all should be doing, draft day is only 47 days away!), I Googled the guy.  

A little hint here: If you’re drafting a guy who’s not a huge celebrity, but has announced that he’s gonna die… you might wanna set up a Google News Alert for that shit.

Team Sushi hits the 100-point mark!  Can they get another 90 points in a month and a half?

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Draft night is just 47 days away!

Current Standings:

The Girl on Fire: 180 – (Mario Cuomo – 20, Richard Dysart – 20, Anne Meara – 20, Denise McCluggage – 20, Bobbi Christina Brown – 80, Frank Gifford – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 150 – (Sir Terry Pratchett – 66, Lauren Hill – 90)

Jami: 140 – (Diem Brown – 70, Sam Simon – 50, Dick Van Patten – 20)

Tailgating with Jesus: 130 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20, Minnie Minoso -10, Al Rosen – 10, Chuck Bednarik – 20, Louise Suggs – 10)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 120 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20, Roberto Tucci – 10, Giovanni Canestri – 10, Giacomo Biffi “the Vampire Slayer” – 20, William W. Baum – 20, László Paskai – 20)

Gianna: 110 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70, Vincent Bugliosi – 10, Dean Jones – 20)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Marion Barry – 30, Omar Sharif – 20, Dave Benton – 50)

Nikki: 80 – (Stuart Scott – 60, BB King – 20)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 70 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20, Alex Rocco – 30, Milton Delugg – 10)

Anne: 70 – (Lesley Gore – 40, Joe Cocker – 30)

Nora the Explorer: 50 – (James Best – 20, Ben E. King – 30)

Babysitter: 50 – (Leonard Nimoy – 20, Gary Gahl – 30)

Mostly Mike: 40 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10, Dickie Moore – 20)

Anne: 30 – (oops, I forgot who Anne had – 30)

Nathaniel: – 10 – (Christopher Lee – 10)

Erika: 10 – (Jayne Meadows – 10)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)

Ahmad Givens, aka: “Real,” aka: that douchebag who keeps trying to get his friends to call him “Real,” and pathetic Rick-James-wannabe, died at the spry age of 33.

Real typified the awfulness of America because he was a reality star.  He starred on VH1 (“Hey, if MTV doesn’t have to play music, neither do we!”) in the cultural touchstone known as “Real Chance of Love.”

The show was thinly veiled prostitution where a gaggle of hollow, vapid women vie for the affections of Real or his brother Chance (aka that douchebag who keeps trying to get his friends to call him “Chance”).  It ran for two seasons.

To mourn his brother, Chance posted a selfie of him crying on Instagram… ‘cuz, you know, it’s all about him.

Young Ahmad's life was changed forever when he saw his first Milli Vanilli video.

Young Ahmad’s life was changed forever when he saw his first Milli Vanilli video.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: when I die, if ANYONE takes a mourning-selfie, I will haunt your ass!  And I don’t mean a Geena Davis/Alec Baldwin kind of haunting where we dance around and sing calypso music.  No, I will full-on Poltergeist your ass!  You can take a fucking selfie after I make you scratch you fucking face off!  Hear me now and listen to me later.

Real had a line of haircare products called “Real Silk”  that embroiled him with numerous lawsuits because the product contained 0% silk.

Real contracted colon cancer a few years ago.  And since he was such an asshole, you can pretty much just call it cancer.  Maybe Real cancer… or cancer of the Real…

And Gianna kept her ear to the ground on the douche-bag with cancer front (I think she has a Google alert set up).

This means that both Fregosi sisters have one hit and both are tied for second with 70 points.  That’s pretty damn impressive.

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Tailgating with Jesus: 80 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20)

Gianna: 70 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70)

Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)

Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)

Anne: 40 – (Lesley Gore – 40)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 40 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)

Anne: 30 – (Joe Cocker – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)

Singer Joe Cocker is no longer Feelin’ Alright.  He died of lung cancer today at the spry age of 70.

Cocker’s cover of The Beatles’ “With A Little Help from My Friends” was used as the theme song to the popular TV show, “The Wonder Years.”  But it was more than a theme song.  It was a sign that the innocent times that we lived in were changing.  Sitting in front of that TV with my Dad meant so much more than just prime-time viewing.  It was an experience.  It was a generation learning to grow.  I knew right there and then that things would never be the same with us… or with the world.

But what can I say about Joe Cocker that John Belushi couldn’t with his impression:

In 1972, the AKC gave Cocker the honor of having a Spaniel breed named after him.  Of course, the Joe Cocker Spaniel was wildly unpopular due to it’s sudden spastic body movements, sloppy appearance and tendency toward alcoholism.

Police started using them for their natural talents as drug sniffing dogs.  The program was scratched because, while the

Cocker, shown here contemplating the tiny, tiny chance of actually getting lung cancer from these things.

Cocker, shown here contemplating the tiny, tiny chance of actually getting lung cancer from these things.

dogs found contraband easily, they always insisted on ingesting everything they found.

The only remaining Joe Cocker Spaniel lives at Keith Richard’s house, calmly waiting for him to die.

This hit goes to: Anne!  She gets on the board on her Birthday!  See, Joe Cocker knew it was her birthday today.  He wracked his brains for the perfect gift.  Finally it hit him: succumb to lung cancer!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)

Anne: 30 – (Joe Cocker – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

I-Steve (the Arch-Bishop!): 20 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10)

Tailgating with Jesus: 20 – (Jean Béliveau – 20)

Mostly Mike: 10 – (Ralph H Baer – 10)

MTV Reality star (now there’s something to strive for) Diem Brown died of ovarian cancer (ovaries before bro-varies) at the very spry age of 32.

Brown was a recurring cast member on MTV’s reality television series “The Challenge” and an entertainment reporter. Which, I am sad to say, is the modern American Dream.

She appeared in such culturally enlightening shows like “Reality Obsessed,” “The Doctors,” and “E! True Hollywood Story.”  I believe that her episode of “Hollywood Hangover” is airing on “Masterpiece Theater” this week.  I’m settin’ the DVR for that

Left, Diem Brown on the red carpet for... I don't know, we'll say an E! Somekinda Award Thing.  Right, during her Sinéad phase.

Left, Diem Brown on the red carpet for… I don’t know, we’ll say an E! Somekinda Award Thing. Right, during her Sinéad phase.

shit… Oh, wait… I don’t have a DVR.  Damnit!

She made her debut on “Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat,” which did not objectify anybody in anyway.

Brown was also the founder MedGift, a website that provides support to people going through any medical or health experience. They provide resources to support patients & their families: emotionally, physically and financially. MedGift also

created the first working gift registry for patients.

This makes it kinda hard to make fun of her.

God damnit!  Doesn’t she know that she’s the first hit of the year?  Doesn’t she know that this is what I do?  She couldn’t just be like a true reality star:  a perfectly deplorable human being like the Kardashians.  She’s gotta go out there and help people with a real need.  Bitch.

This first hit goes to: JAMI!  Really?  Are we going to have another year where Jami gets these big hits making the lead unattainable to the rest of us?  Oy.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)