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Former first lady, who clearly did not love her husband, my lock of the year for the past TWELVE YEARS, Nancy Reagan died at the spry age of 94.

Nancy was b-film actress (Oscar in memoriam snub, anyone?) when she met “Bedtime For Bonzo” star Ronald Reagan.  Ronnie was newly divorced (because, you know, family values and all) and was looking for a new “Mommy.”

Yes, Ronnie called Nancy “Mommy.”  I mean, that’s not fucked up or anything, according to Nancy’s astrologer.  

Nancy

As dementia set in, Nancy became more and more fascinated by those mystical flying machines.

The cause of death was congestive heart failure.  Are you gonna tell me that she died of a broken heart a full twelve years after her “beloved” Ronnie?  What, did her pool boy get deported?

While the President was recuperating in the hospital after the 1981 assassination attempt, Nancy Reagan wrote in her diary, “Nothing can happen to my Ronnie. My life would be over.”

Aww, now doesn’t that sound like the sweet loving words of someone who would fucking DIE within months of their spouse?  Well, they’re not.  That are the words of a cold, uncaring bitch who knew someone else would read them in the future and she needs to keep up appearances.

As 1st lady Nancy was also known for being a social x-ray (“you could see light through her sternum”) and her utterly ineffective and pointless “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign.  

This campaign educated kids who knew that drugs are bad that… well… drugs are bad.  She thought that saying “no” would negate all other causes of drug abuse, like poverty, unemployment, the use of addictive opiates for prescriptions and stuff like that.

Lucky we had Nancy, because now the whole drug problem: solved!  All we needed was a catchphrase.  

Nancy became fearful for her husband, as any good mommy would.  But she turned to Joan Quigly, her astrologist.  Days were color-coded according to the astrologer’s advice to discern precisely which days and times would be optimal for the president’s safety and success.  I’d say that this was fucked up, but the whole “mommy” thing eclipses all the other shit.

Late in his second term, as Ronnie got more and more whimsical in the brainpan, Nancy allegedly took the reigns.  She was already exerting much influence over the President which eventually lead to Chief of Staff Donald Regan tendering his resignation.  This worked out in the end because the whole Reagan-Regan/Regan-Reagan thing was confusing as all hell.  Sam Donaldson could never get it right.  He had to keep a crib sheet in his toupee.

After Ronnie’s death, Nancy stayed active with the Republican party… well, they carted her out on a hand truck for a few conventions and used a pulley system to make it look like she was waving at the crowd.  It was all very “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

This hit goes to: Bitch, you know it’s me!  I’ve been drafting her since Ronnie died!  For twelve years, she has been my lock of the year!  Huzzah!  I’m gonna have a drink in Nancy’s name tonight!  

Remember, alcohol is a drug so:  Just say YES!

Nancy Reagan no longer continues to live!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: I would be remiss if I didn’t note that my brother Tom was the 1st one to break the news to me!

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 90- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!)

Joanne: 60 (Joey Feek – 60)

The Girl on Fire: 60 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Harmony: 30 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

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The days are getting shorter… the leaves are starting to turn (at least in the North East Kingdom they are).  That means that it is time to start getting your Ghoul Pool lists together.  Do a little research… gather the post-it notes that you wrote on throughout the year…

"We don't want people to die... we just hope to profit from that eventuality!"

“We don’t want people to die… we just hope to profit from that eventuality!”

Normally, we hold the draft on the night that the clocks get turned back.  But this year, that happens to fall on Halloween.  Yeah, I’m not gonna compete with Halloween.  The grand Irish tradition of costuming yourself to hide yourself from the spirits that cross over from the netherworld on that night can continue without draft hinderance.  Plus, I got a party to go to.

Instead, we will draft on the next Saturday, November 7th.  (This means that anyone who dies between midnight on Halloween night and the end of the draft, will not be hits.  Who wants to bet that Nancy Reagan will die on November 5th?)

People amy arrive around five and the draft will start at six.  It will likely wrap up around midnight.

You must pay $10 to the Ghoul Pool Administrator (or his more reliable wife) on or before draft night to participate.  This $10 will go to the winner.  All of it.  I do not charge a handling fee.  I do all this shit for free.  Ain’t I a great fucking guy?

Because this is a long, loud night, kids are not allowed.  We are getting rid of Ryan for the night ourselves, so you can’t say that we’re being jerks about it.

If you can make the draft, do so.  It is a great, loud, fun, long night.

Bring booze.  Unless you are a recovering alcoholic… bring soda or another non-alcoholic beverage in that case.  Same goes for those suffering liver disease or are just plain jaundiced.  But if you are going to drink: don’t bring soda and then start raiding our stock.  Just pick up a six pack.  Or a twelve pack.  Or a bottle of scotch.

For those interested in starting a list of their own, get a list of 100 to 150 names together.  We will draft 75 names each, but there are no duplicates allowed.  Please feel free to contact me for links to dead-or-alive websites.  Or, just Google them yourself, you lazy bastard.

The younger the person, the more valuable the hit.  Bobbi Christina Brown was worth a whopping 80 points.  But if Nancy Reagan ever dies (which she may not at this point), she’s only worth 10 points.  People 100 and over are worth zero points.  Contact me for complete rules.

If you cannot make it to the draft, you can e-mail me a list and we will draft for you.  (And your list will be kept a complete secret under my sworn oath as a Ghoul Pool Administrator.)  Just be sure that the list is in the order that you want it drafted.  If you have Betty White as number 50, you’re never gonna get her.

And I-Steve: I have a feeling that some people might pick a few Cardinals just to fuck with you this year….

So: Saturday, November 7th!  5:00 pm!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

When the pulse, is gone

And his outlook dark,

And he goes, towards the only light he sees

No, he wasn’t afraid

Oh, he wasn’t afraid

 

Just as long as he died, Ben E. King

Oh darlin, he’s dead

Ben E. King, oh, Ben E. King

Oh Ben, Ben E. King

Ben E. King

 

And this pick, Nora took on upon

Did tumble and fall

And his spry age, was in the… seventies

No, he didn't chase scantily clad women to the sound of "Yakity-Sax,", You're thinking of Ben E. Hill.

No, he didn’t chase scantily clad women to the sound of “Yakity-Sax,”, You’re thinking of Ben E. Hill.

She won’t cry, she won’t cry

No, she won’t… shed a tear

Just as long as she picked, Ben E. King

 

And Nora, picked

Ben E. King, oh, Ben E. King

Oh Ben now, Ben E. King

Ben E. King

So Nora, had him:

Ben E. King, oh Ben E. King

Oh Ben now, Ben E. King, Ben E. King

She knew he was in trouble and picked Ben E. King

Oh Ben E. King, oh he won’t stand now, Ben

Ben E. King

Ben E. King

 

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Occupy the Casket: 150 – (Sir Terry Pratchett – 66, Lauren Hill – 90)

Tailgating with Jesus: 120 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20, Minnie Minoso -10, Al Rosen – 10, Chuck Bednarik – 20)

Jami: 120 – (Diem Brown – 70, Sam Simon – 50)

Anne: 70 – (Lesley Gore – 40, Joe Cocker – 30)

Gianna: 70 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70)

Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)

Nora the Explorer: 50 – (James Best – 20, Ben E. King – 30)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 50 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20, Roberto Tucci – 10)

Babysitter: 50 – (Leonard Nimoy – 20, Gary Gahl – 30)

The Girl on Fire: 40 – (Mario Cuomo – 20, Richard Dysart – 20)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)

Anne: 30 – ()

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)

Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, died at the spry age of 83.

Bank’s birthday is a mere eight days away which means that I’m not getting my fucking deposit back on that custom Wrigley Field-shaped bedpan.  Man, never get custom birthday presents for old fossils.

Ernie Banks’ entire career illustrates a very simple point that we already know: the Cubs suck.  Banks was an 11-time All-Star, a first-ballot Hall of Famer, won consecutive MVP awards in 1958-59.  He hit .313 with 47 home runs and 129 RBIs in 1958. The next season he hit .304 with 45 HR and 143 RBI in 1959.  In his career, he had 2,583 hits, 512 home runs, and 1,636 RBIs.

Yet in all his time with the team, they never won a World Series.  Because the Cubs suck.  Wait… let me amend that: they

An Ernie Banks baseball card from that year that they didn't win the World Series. Because the Cubs suck.

An Ernie Banks baseball card from that year that they didn’t win the World Series.
Because the Cubs suck.

never made it to the World Series.  Because the Cubs suck.  Wait… let me amend that even further: they never even made it to the frickin’ playoffs!  Why?  Because the Chicago Cubs suck.

All because some hayseed wanted to bring his goat to the game in 1945.  Man, you’d think Chicago would have had a better dating pool.

As a matter of fact, they regularly ended up in the bottom of the rankings every year.  And poor Ernie Banks, a true baseball talent, never played any post-season ball because he was shackled to that great bastion of suckitude in the Second City.

“He was one of the greatest players of all time,” Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts said in a statement.  I add this because this guy’s name is “Ricketts.”

This hit goes to: Well, you can bank on the fact that it’s Tailgating with Jesus!  Bean banks another 20 points, pushing him up to third place.  But not to worry, Nancy Reagan will die this year!  You can take that to the bank!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)

Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)

Tailgating with Jesus: 40 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20)

Anne: 30 – (Joe Cocker – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 20 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 10 – (King Abdullah – 10)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)

Winston Cup Driver (who never one a Winston Cup race), Dick Trickle Died of an apparent suicide.

In an emotional interview, his wife Darlene wept openly, tears dripping down, saying, “If he just went by ‘Richard,’ he’d still be alive today…”

Image

This card not only proves that there was someone by the name of Dick Trickle, but the autograph shows that he actually accepted that name.

NH Congressman, Dick Swett, released a statement today that read, simply, “I feel his pain.”

Dick Trickle was a fan favorite despite his losing ways.  But who wouldn’t root for a guy named Dick Trickle?  Or Dick Dribble, Dick Leak, Dick Stream, Dick Ooze… OK, no one would root for Dick Ooze.

When he was Eight-years-old, Dick Trickle was playing tag with his cousin Verlon (there’s a hayseed name if I ever heard one) on the rafters in a house under construction when he fell two floors to the basement and broke his hip.  Ever since then, he could only pee in little drops.

Dick Trickle was also known for his partying.  On the night before a race, he would party all night and sleep for only one hour.  Take that Bode Miller.  Although, this does explain his lack of wins.

“When you were with Dick Trickle, you were always gonna laugh!” stated some slack-jawed NASCAR garage grunt.  “Yup, Dick Trickle would always make you laugh ‘till you peed.”  He added through three rotted teeth, “Just a little bit.”

Dick Trickle was also a huge Halloween fan.  “Every year, I would do my house up all fancy-like and have the kids go through the haunted house,” Dick Trickle said in an interview in… oh, we’ll say… 1992.  “I would always be crouched behind a table, dressed as a zombie.  And just as the kids got their candy, I would jump up and scream at ‘em!  Ha ha, I just loved scarin’ the piss outta those little tykes.”

When asked what kind of underwear Trickle preferred, boxers or briefs, he thoughtfully replied, “that depends.”

“I remember when I first met Dick Trickle,” said an adoring fan on his blog, entitled Johnson Drivel, “I was so nervous, I jus’ ’bout peed my pants.”

OK, that’s all I got… wait, wait:

ImageHe appeared on a Sesame Street episode that was brought to you by P!

This hit goes to: ME!  Yes, your illustrious Ghoul Pool Administrator has been picking Dick Trickle for years now!  Thank God the New Dick in Town didn’t steal him!

I gotta say, when I found out about this hit, I was so excited… I peed a little.

Yes, I now have 40 points!  Which is about 30 more points than I expected this year… despite having Nancy Reagan, Abe Vigoda, Joe Franklin, Chick Yeager, Sid Caesar and Peter O’Toole on my list.  (Seriously, are they X-Men or something?)

I pull ahead of former Ghoul Pool juggernaut, “Imaginary” Steve (I-Steve, what happened?) and into… well something place.  I don’t fell like counting that high right now.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Dawn-n-Mike – 140 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10,Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30, Hugo Chavez – 50, Frank Thornton – 10 – George Jones – 20)

Babysitter – 120 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10, Margaret Thatcher – 20, Chi Cheng – 60, Pat Summerall – 20)

The New Dick in Town – 120 – (Jack Klugman – 10, Mindy McCready – 70, Jonathan Winters – 20, Jeanne Cooper – 20)

Joanne – 80 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20, C. Everett Koop – 10, Moon Mullen – 10, Virgil Trucks – 10, Dr. Joyce Brothers – 20)

Gianna – 80 – (Lucille Bliss – 10, Bonnie Franklin – 40, E. L. Konigsburg – 20, Deanna Durbin – 10)

Tailgating with Jesus – 70 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20, Jerry Buss – 20, Gus Triandos – 20)

Council of Geeks – 50 (Richard Griffiths – 40, Ray Harryhausen – 10)

Jami – 50 – (Larry Hagman – 20, Annette Funicello – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 50 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20, Milo O’Shea – 20)

Team Sushi – 50 – (Conrad Bain – 20, Roger Ebert – 30)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 40 – (Patty Andrews – 10, Dick Trickle – 30)

“Imaginary” Steve – 20 (Al Neuharth – 20)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)

Former lead singer of the 60s garage band The Troggs, Reg Presley, died at the spry age of 71.  (Yes, after 18 hits, we finally have one that’s worth more than 20 points!)

Image

Wild thing, I think I love your jacket.

The Troggs (originally called The Troglodytes) recorded “Wild Thing” in 1966 starting a wave of garage bands and eventually influencing the Punk Rock movement.  With one fucking song.

They also reminded everyone that you do not need to be talented to rock.  A lesson still held dear by bands like The Offspring.

At a time when the Beatles were putting out one of their best albums ever, Revolver, with all its studio tricks, sound effects and track on top of track recording, The Troggs went into the studio and just played all at once like bands used to do.  The recording was so raw that it was rumored to have actually been recorded in a garage.  But no matter what the quality, it’s still miles above whatever crap that Beiber-bitch puts out.

The Troggs went on to… to…. …OK, they really sucked after “Wild Thing.”  They put out 10 more albums without a blip on the radar.  But did they have to?  I mean,… yeah, they sucked.

Then Wet Wet Wet covered their song “Love is All Around.”  This became a huge hit and eventually a Bill Nighy classic.

Reg used the proceeds from this cover to investigate crop circles.  So, that was money well spent.  He wrote about his findings in Wild Things They Don’t Tell Us.  Which I’m sure you have all read.  And, spoiler alert, they’re made by drunken hobos.

This hit goes to Dawn-n-Mike (but mostly Mike).  I say mostly Mike here because he claimed responsibility for the pick.  But when questioned, he didn’t know who The Troggs were.  So if you are being slighted, Dawn, you know who to punch in the head. …with your good hand.

Either way, they found out that good old Reg had lung cancer and picked him towards the end of the night, after they bitched out on us and left early.  (I mean, it’s not like they were warned in advance that it would be a long night.)

And they have not only doubled their score, but they have pulled ahead into the lead!  Way to go! 

Not to worry, because Nancy Reagan and Abe Vigoda can’t last forever.  Although I wish someone would tell them that.

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Dawn-n-Mike – 60 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10, Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 30 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20)

Joanne – 30 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20)

Tailgating with Jesus – 30 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20)

Team Sushi – 20 – (Conrad Bain – 20)

Babysitter – 20 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10)

Jami – 20 – (Larry Hagman – 20)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 10 – (Patty Andrews – 10)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

The New Dick in Town – 10 – (Jack Klugman – 10)

Gainna – 10 – (Lucille Bliss – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)

The Buffalo Bills of Presidential Campaigns, George McGovern, died at the spry age of 90.

McGovern ran for the presidency in three separate decades, in 1968, ‘72 & ’84.  He most famously lost in a landslide against Nixon in 1972, winning only Massachusetts.

And it’s no surprise, with Nixon running on a platform that said: “Persons in the lowest income tax bracket will pay 82 per cent less this year than they would have paid, had the 1969 and 1971 tax reforms not been enacted; those in

George McGovern moments after receiving the sick in the ass required for a life in politics.

the $10,000 to $15,000 income range will pay 13 per cent less, and those with incomes above $100,000 will pay about 7 per cent more.”

I mean, who can fight against that logic of having the rich pay more taxes than the poor?…. oh, never mind.

But the issue that he really lost on was his opposition to the Vietnam War.  He promised that eh would withdraw troops immediately upon becoming President.  But, the American people thought that Vietnam was too swell to just give up like that.

In 1984, McGovern re-ran for President knowing that he had no hope of winning.  He just wanted some input in the national conversation.  Kinda like Al Sharpton did.  The freedom that he had for not thinking that he would actually win made him a looser loser who could say anything that he wanted.  Though, many say that he went to far by calling Nancy Reagan a tramp.

This hit goes to: Schelle’y!  Yes, in an act of futility, Schelle’y moves up a notch, supplanting Nikki the Bad Ass in, what’s that?  40th place?   Either way, she has now doubled my score.

Happy Pooling,
SPMI

Current Standings:

The Walls of Jerica: 190 (Duggar #20 – 100, Kim Jong Il – 40, John Demjanjuk – 10, Sun Myung Moon, 10, Herbert Lom – 10)

Tailgating with Jesus: – 160 (Smokin’ Joe Frazier – 40, Joe Paterno – 20, Gary Carter – 50, Steve Sabol – 40, Chris Economaki – 10)

Carol: 160 (Davy Jones – 40, Dick Clark – 20, George Lindsey – 20, Don Grady – 40, Andy Griffith – 20, Celeste Holm – 10, William Asher – 10)

Sister Mary Sheila:  140 (Christopher Hitchens – 40, Adam “MCA”Yauch – 60, Kathryn Joosten – 30,  Yitzhak Shamir – 10)

Mary: 130 (Dr. Mel Goldstein – 40, Whitney Houston – 60, Sherman Hemsley – 30)

Pirate Jen “Occupy the Casket”:  120 (Anne McCaffrey – 20, Carroll Shelby – 20, Abdel Baset al-Megrahi – 40, Ray Bradbury – 10, Phyllis Diller – 10, Arlen Specter – 20)

Gianna:  110 (Bill Keane – 20, Jonathan Frid – 20, Robin Gibb – 40, Gregory Powell – 30)

“Imaginary” Steve: – 80 (Alan Sues – 20, Earl Scruggs – 20, Rauf Denktas – 20, Art Modell – 20)

Jami “MORGAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” McFeeley: – 60 (Harry Morgan – 10, Etta James – 30, Maurice Sendak – 20)

Schelle’y: – 40 (Chuck Colson – 20, Hellen Gurley Brown – 10, George McGovern – 10)

“Bad-Ass” Nikki – 30 (Alax Karras – 30)

Ann B. Davis: – 20 (Mike Wallace – 10, Ann Rutherford – 10)

Sean P. McFeeley I, Your Beloved Ghoul Pool Administrator: 20 (Neil Armstrong – 20)

Nathaniel – 10 (Ernest Borgnine – 10)