Ahmad Givens, aka: “Real,” aka: that douchebag who keeps trying to get his friends to call him “Real,” and pathetic Rick-James-wannabe, died at the spry age of 33.
Real typified the awfulness of America because he was a reality star. He starred on VH1 (“Hey, if MTV doesn’t have to play music, neither do we!”) in the cultural touchstone known as “Real Chance of Love.”
The show was thinly veiled prostitution where a gaggle of hollow, vapid women vie for the affections of Real or his brother Chance (aka that douchebag who keeps trying to get his friends to call him “Chance”). It ran for two seasons.
To mourn his brother, Chance posted a selfie of him crying on Instagram… ‘cuz, you know, it’s all about him.
Young Ahmad’s life was changed forever when he saw his first Milli Vanilli video.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: when I die, if ANYONE takes a mourning-selfie, I will haunt your ass! And I don’t mean a Geena Davis/Alec Baldwin kind of haunting where we dance around and sing calypso music. No, I will full-on Poltergeist your ass! You can take a fucking selfie after I make you scratch you fucking face off! Hear me now and listen to me later.
Real had a line of haircare products called “Real Silk” that embroiled him with numerous lawsuits because the product contained 0% silk.
Real contracted colon cancer a few years ago. And since he was such an asshole, you can pretty much just call it cancer. Maybe Real cancer… or cancer of the Real…
And Gianna kept her ear to the ground on the douche-bag with cancer front (I think she has a Google alert set up).
This means that both Fregosi sisters have one hit and both are tied for second with 70 points. That’s pretty damn impressive.
Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.
Happy pooling,
SPMI
Current Standings:
Tailgating with Jesus: 80 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20)
Gianna: 70 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70)
Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)
Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)
Anne: 40 – (Lesley Gore – 40)
I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 40 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20)
Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)
Anne: 30 – (Joe Cocker – 30)
Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)
Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)
The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)
The Mortician’s Daughter: 10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)
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