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Tag Archives: Ronald Reagan

Former German Chancellor, Helmut Kohl (remember him?), died at the spy age of 87

He was Chancellor (which I guess is German for Prime Minister) from 1982-1998.  So he was running the joint when the Berlin wall came tumblin’ down.  When the wall came crumblin’ crumblin’.  When the wall came tumblin’ tumblin’ do-o-o-own.  (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,  yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah)

He started out as a good Nazi.  He was a 15-year-old member of the Hitler Youth when the war ended.

Hitler Youth is basically the Boy Scouts.  But they earn their badges for hate.  The “Punch a Dirty Jew” badge was pretty easy to get.  But the “Kill a Jew” badge… well that shit changed a kid.

In his defence, the Hitler Youth was mandatory.  So it wasn’t like he was sitting at home one day wondering if he could join a group that taught him how to hate while forming

Helmut

Kohl, shown here with Helmut-head.

bonds with other young pieces of shit to last a lifetime.  No, if you didn’t join, then the other kids would get to earn their “Beat the Shit Out of the Kid Who Didn’t Join the Hitler Youth” badge.

In 1947, he was a co-founder of the Junge Union, a youth organization that defines itself as a liberal, conservative, yet progressive organization.  Whatever the fuck that means.

This organization supported integration.   So it was very different from the Hitler Youth.  

In 1982, as a flock of seagulls ran so far away, E. T. taught us that even little ugly dudes can get sick and turn white too, and Bob Newhart bought an inn in a small town in Vermont, Helmut became Chancellor of West Germany (the good Germany).

He sat behind Reagan as the president said, “Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”  To which Gorby famously replied: “I’m trying to, but have you ever had a Communist contractor show up on time?  Get off my back, little actor-man.”

In 1989, the longest standing symbol of Russian separatism was destroyed when the wall came tumblin’ down.  When the wall came crumblin’ crumblin’.  When the wall came tumblin’ tumblin’ down.

Today, a museum commemorating the wall and it’s awfulness is currently being planned along the US Mexico border.  But funding may be an issue.

After his reign, he became embroiled in a political party money scandal which was too boring to read about.  So I’m not really gonna go into it.

He the opened a chain of department stores in the US.

This hit goes to: Joanne!  She has her second hit and now stands at a whopping 30 points!

In other news, I may become a player in this pool because Russia is claiming to have killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  If this is confirmed: 60 point for me!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

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Professional hockey puck, Don Rickles, died at the spry age of 90.

“Clint [Eastwood], I’m sorry, but I just gotta say what’s on everybody’s mind here tonight: You’re a terrible actor.”

“We kid about great stars such as you Bob [Hope], why? Because you’re old and washed up.”  “There’s no booing! There’s no booing! If there’s another outburst we’re going to let Bob Hope get up and do his jokes!”  “What’s Bob Hope doing here? Is the war over?”

To Jimmy Kimmel: “I met your son….he’s a wonderful young kid. And he was smiling because he knows one day he’s going to come into a lot of money.”

“Bob Newhart made the claim that I am his closest friend. I have never met Bob Newhart.”

“Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, has been a great star for so many years. This man was married to a great many women in his life. They’re all flat now.”

“I must tell you, Mr. President [Reagan], it’s a big treat coming out here all the way from

Don Rickles

Look at that face.  Was anyone else hurt in the accident?

California for this kind of money.”

“Pat Boone, one of our great stars, right? Has a daytime show. He’s marvellous, the way he comes out—’Hi, I’m Pat Boone!’ What do you want, a cookie? You’re making a fool of yourself and going nowhere, pal. And I’m a friend.”

Don Rickles: “Can I say something, Johnny?”

Johnny Carson: “Certainly.”

Don Rickles: “You’ve gotten so old.”

“Marty (Scorsese) when we see all the films you did, none of them were great.”

“It’s a true story, so help me God.  Sinatra was headlining at the Sands, and I was with this girl having dinner in the lounge. She wasn’t anybody I would bring home to my mother, but I really wanted to score big. Frank was in the lounge at his table with Lena Horne and some other celebrities and all his security guards. And my date says, ‘My God, there’s Frank Sinatra! Do you know him?’

“I said, ‘Sure, he’s a friend of mine.’ Which he was. But I made it sound like my whole life. ‘We’re like brothers!’ She didn’t believe me. So I said, ‘Wait here, sweetheart,’ and I went over to Frank’s table. ‘What do you want, Bullethead?’ he said. That was his nickname for me. I told him I was trying to impress this girl and would he do me a very big favor and come over and just say hello. He said, ‘For you, Bullethead, I’ll do it.'”

“Five minutes later, Sinatra strolled over and said, ‘Don, how the hell are you?’

“And Don Rickles looked up and replied, ‘Not now, Frank. Can’t you see I’m with somebody?'”

This hit goes to: the Mumblers!  Noah and Leigh get their 1st hit!  Huzzah!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Former first lady, who clearly did not love her husband, my lock of the year for the past TWELVE YEARS, Nancy Reagan died at the spry age of 94.

Nancy was b-film actress (Oscar in memoriam snub, anyone?) when she met “Bedtime For Bonzo” star Ronald Reagan.  Ronnie was newly divorced (because, you know, family values and all) and was looking for a new “Mommy.”

Yes, Ronnie called Nancy “Mommy.”  I mean, that’s not fucked up or anything, according to Nancy’s astrologer.  

Nancy

As dementia set in, Nancy became more and more fascinated by those mystical flying machines.

The cause of death was congestive heart failure.  Are you gonna tell me that she died of a broken heart a full twelve years after her “beloved” Ronnie?  What, did her pool boy get deported?

While the President was recuperating in the hospital after the 1981 assassination attempt, Nancy Reagan wrote in her diary, “Nothing can happen to my Ronnie. My life would be over.”

Aww, now doesn’t that sound like the sweet loving words of someone who would fucking DIE within months of their spouse?  Well, they’re not.  That are the words of a cold, uncaring bitch who knew someone else would read them in the future and she needs to keep up appearances.

As 1st lady Nancy was also known for being a social x-ray (“you could see light through her sternum”) and her utterly ineffective and pointless “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign.  

This campaign educated kids who knew that drugs are bad that… well… drugs are bad.  She thought that saying “no” would negate all other causes of drug abuse, like poverty, unemployment, the use of addictive opiates for prescriptions and stuff like that.

Lucky we had Nancy, because now the whole drug problem: solved!  All we needed was a catchphrase.  

Nancy became fearful for her husband, as any good mommy would.  But she turned to Joan Quigly, her astrologist.  Days were color-coded according to the astrologer’s advice to discern precisely which days and times would be optimal for the president’s safety and success.  I’d say that this was fucked up, but the whole “mommy” thing eclipses all the other shit.

Late in his second term, as Ronnie got more and more whimsical in the brainpan, Nancy allegedly took the reigns.  She was already exerting much influence over the President which eventually lead to Chief of Staff Donald Regan tendering his resignation.  This worked out in the end because the whole Reagan-Regan/Regan-Reagan thing was confusing as all hell.  Sam Donaldson could never get it right.  He had to keep a crib sheet in his toupee.

After Ronnie’s death, Nancy stayed active with the Republican party… well, they carted her out on a hand truck for a few conventions and used a pulley system to make it look like she was waving at the crowd.  It was all very “Weekend at Bernie’s.”

This hit goes to: Bitch, you know it’s me!  I’ve been drafting her since Ronnie died!  For twelve years, she has been my lock of the year!  Huzzah!  I’m gonna have a drink in Nancy’s name tonight!  

Remember, alcohol is a drug so:  Just say YES!

Nancy Reagan no longer continues to live!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: I would be remiss if I didn’t note that my brother Tom was the 1st one to break the news to me!

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 90- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!)

Joanne: 60 (Joey Feek – 60)

The Girl on Fire: 60 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Harmony: 30 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Sorry, wrong adoptive maternal figure form a superhero movie.

Perpetual co-star, Phyllis Thaxter died at the spry age of 92.

Reading Thaxter’s obit is like reading from a name-dropping contest.  She worked with Alfred Lunt, Lynn Fontanne, Sydney Greenstreet, Montgomery Clift, Edmund Gwenn, Spencer Tracy, Katharine Hepburn, Margaret O’Brien, Robert Mitchum, John Garfield, Patricia Neal, Gary Cooper and Ronald Reagan (although, out of embarrassment, she would later deny ever working with Regan).

Yet you never heard of her, have you.

How ‘bout this: She played Ma Kent, Superman’s adoptive mother in Richard Donner’s 1978 classic “Superman: The Movie.”.  Oh, now you know her, right?

“With Great power comes great respon-” Crap! I did it again!

From 1955-57 she was featured on the TV show “Climax!” which I am assuming is the 50s version of Cinemax.

She worked mostly in TV in the 70s and 80s; her last role was on “Murder, She Wrote.”  It was the episode about the old lady who solves a murder that just happens to occur in her vicinity.  That was a good one.

This hit goes to: Gianna!  She moves from the At-Least-We-Have-As-Many-Points-As-Bean Club to the At-Least-We-Have-More-Points-Than-Bean Club!  She‘s creeping up, only 50 points behind Jerica!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

The Walls of Jerica: 170 (Duggar #20 – 100, Kim Jong Il – 40, John Demjanjuk – 10)

Carol: 160 (Davy Jones – 40, Dick Clark – 20, George Lindsey – 20, Don Grady – 40, Andy Griffith – 20, Celeste Holm – 10, William Asher – 10)

Sister Mary Sheila:  140 (Christopher Hitchens – 40, Adam “MCA”Yauch – 60, Kathryn Joosten – 30,  Yitzhak Shamir – 10)

Mary: 130 (Dr. Mel Goldstein – 40, Whitney Houston – 60, Sherman Hemsley – 30)

Gianna:  120 (Bill Keane – 20, Jonathan Frid – 20, Robin Gibb – 40, Gregory Powell – 30)

Tailgating with that guy who’s still a Jackass: – 110 (Smokin’ Joe Frazier – 40, Joe Paterno – 20, Gary Carter – 50)

Pirate Jen “Occupy the Casket”:  90 (Anne McCaffrey – 20, Carroll Shelby – 20, Abdel Baset al-Megrahi – 40, Ray Bradbury – 10)

“Imaginary” Steve: – 60 (Alan Sues – 20, Earl Scruggs – 20, Rauf Denktas – 20)

Jami “MORGAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” McFeeley: – 60 (Harry Morgan – 10, Etta James – 30, Maurice Sendak – 20)

Schelle’y: – 30 (Chuck Colson – 20, Hellen Gurley Brown – 10)

Ann B. Davis: – 20 (Mike Wallace – 10, Ann Rutherford – 10)