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Former basketball coach for the Michigan State Spartans, Jud Heathcote (no relation to Hirsh), died at the spry age of 90.

The Spartans weren’t a fancy team.  They tended to be more frugal than the other teams, often shunning luxury.

Heathcote really just did one, single thing as a coach: he recruited Magic Johnson.  After that, he just rode Magic’s coattails.

Don’t believe me?  Well, his 1995 autobiography is entitled Jud: A Magical Journey.  That

heathcote

He requested to be buried in this jacket.

title means one of two things: either Magic Johnson was his whole career or the motherfucker had some serious unicorns in his life.

When Johnson went pro, his reaction was: “I thought of two things: Vomit or suicide. And I might still do both.”

Heathcote retired as the winningest coach in the school’s history.  A record he held onto until… his replacement broke it.

So, the whole reason that I’m writing this update is because this schlemiel talked some kid into going to a certain school.

Man, basketball sucks.

This hit goes to: Jodi and Husband!  Their second hit gives them 30 points!  Don’t despair, there’s always next year…

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Wes: 170 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50, Jerry Lewis – 10, Colin Meads – 20)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 120 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20, Haruo Nakajima – 20, Barbara Cook – 20)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Babysitter: 100 – (June Foray – 10 – Glen Campbell – 20, Joost van der Westhuizen – 60, Nicolai Gedda – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 30 (Bill Dana – 20, Jud Heathcote – 10)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

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Long time NBA reporter, Craig Sager, died at the spry age of 65.

Sager broadcast preseason games during the 1970s for the Chiefs. [“Who are the Chefs?”  “Great googly-moogly”]

He was waiting for Hank Aaron at third base and interviewed him on the way to home plate after Aaron hit his 715th home run.  I’m not sure what he asked Aaron, but I’m pretty sure the answer was “Get the fuck outta my way!”

Sager was co-anchor of the network’s CNN Sports Tonight shows and was honored with a CableAce award in 1985.  Oooohhh… a CableAce award… That’s the big-time right there!

sager

I’m sorry, but did you shower with Easter this morning?

He also served as Willie the Wildcat, North Western’s school’s mascot.

I think I just heard Nelson Muntz go: Ha Ha!

Sager was also known for the god-awful wardrobe that he wore on the air.  He looked terrible.  Tim Gunn wasn’t concerned, he was apoplectic.

Sager would wear coats that were loud plaid, solid neon colors, one was an orange jacket with flowery hearts all over it and black lapels.  I mean, Herb Tarlek wouldn’t wear this crap.

Sager worked under terrible sweatshop-esque conditions.  Here I am referring to the hours and hours of squeaky sneaker noises that he had to endure.  Plus, he had to watch basketball… and pay attention to it!  Man, this country need more fuckin’ unions.

Sager was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia, although he failed to see what was so goddamned cute about it.

This hit goes to: Bean!  Fuck!  I like Bean at the 10 point level where I can make fun of him.  But now he’s beating me.  

Bean is now in 2nd place, only 10 points behind the leader.  Thanks a lot, Obama!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Jami: 30 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 20 (Alice Drummond – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The first superstar of the sport’s television age, improver if iced tea, and one of the best golfers ever, Arnold Palmer, died at the spry age of 87.

Palmer seemed molded to take sports to the next level: from hobby to national marketing machine.

His humble background and plain-spoken popularity helped change the perception of golf as an elite, upper-class pastime to a more populist sport accessible to middle and working classes.

Apparently, he was also a stunning physical specimen.  Time wrote in1960, “with strength in all the right places: massive shoulders and arms, a waist hardly big enough to hold his trousers up, thick wrists, and leather-hard, outsized hands that can crumple a beer can as though it were tissue paper.” Sounds like Time was having a sleepover where they did each other’s hair and talked about who’s dreamy.  

His timing was perfect too.  His rise came during the post war boom when prosperity [and

palmer

“I do believe I have a case of the vay-pahs.” – Time Magazine, 1960

racism… and sexism] prevailed and the American Dream meant living in the suburbs with your 2.5 kids, your white picket fence, your Donna-Reedesque housewife who knew enough to keep her mouth shut and the roast in the oven, driving your giant Ford to work while getting 1.3 miles per gallon of cheap, plentiful gas, inviting the Johnson’s over for a weenie roast, and you had the leisure time to sit and watch golf on Sundays after you mowed the lawn.  

This unprecedented time of leisure made the perfect moment to become a sports superstar because, well, guys needed to be interested in something.  What, they’re gonna talk to their wives?

Palmer could also play.  I mean, that helped.  Being America’s dream-boy with humble beginnings and leather-hard, outsized hands in post-WWII America isn’t all that propelled him to stardom.  He was a pretty good golfer too.

Palmer went to Wake Forest University, where just for laughs he’d sometimes shoot par while standing on one foot.  Maybe that’s been my problem.  I’ve been using two feet this whole damn time.

Palmer won 62 titles on the PGA Tour.  I mean, Jack Nicklaus won more, but Jack wasn’t the dream-boat that Arnie was.  He didn’t evoke the same homo-eroticism that Arnie did as he gripped his shaft with those leather-hard, outsized hands while looking down at his balls.

Palmer will always be known as one of the greatest golfers ever, but he’s also the guy that turned sports into the major marketing and endorsement machine that it is today.  In the end, his name was attached to a golf-course design outfit, auto dealerships, a golf-equipment company, two golf clubs, an aviation company and a clothing contract with Sears (on their softer side).

Oh, and once he ordered an iced tea mixed with lemonade and the lady at the next table overheard this and ordered what she called an Arnold Palmer.  So there’s that too.

This hit goes to Harmony!  Harmony breaks the triple digit barrier on her first time out!  Well done, rookie!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Draft night is 11/5 – a mere 39 days away!

Current Standings:

Jami: 190 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10, Edward Albee – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Joanne: 130 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20, Buckwheat Zydeco – 40)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Harmony: 100 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30, Gene Wilder – 20, Arnold Palmer – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Gianna: 40 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20)

OK, this is pretty old school, so here’s a primer to watch before reading:

Bean’s Buddy, Bean’s buddyBuddy Ryan

Whenever he goes

Bean crows.

Bean’s buddy, Bean’s buddy

Taught football players everything that he knows.

Bean’s Buddy, you see,

Back in the 80s

Bean’s Buddy made the Bears the best team they could be.

 

Bean’s Buddy, Bean’s Buddy

Died in his eighties.

 

Bean gains another 20 piunts because he’s a fucking prick.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Gianna: 40 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20)

Nathaniel: 10 (Alan Young – 10)

Hockey legend, Gordie Howe died at the spry age of 88.

Howe, you ask?  He suffered from a massive stroke.   It was believed to be a breast stroke.

Gordie’s son, Marty, confirmed through a third party because from the start he was with his smarty friend Artie at Sardi’s who was reading “Moriarty.”

Howe played for the Red Wings where he led the league in scoring for six years and ranked in the top ten in league scoring for 21 consecutive years, set a league record for points in a season (95). He also won the Stanley Cup with the Red Wings four times, won six Hart Trophies, and won six Art Ross Trophies (whatever the hell they’re for).

See, that’s all impressive and stuff, but let’s not forget that he did this all… while playing hockey.  Now, I know that sounds obvious.  But: Hockey!  That is one bad-ass sport!  This ain’t no, “He-brushed-against-my-jersey-so-I-should-get-two-chances-to-make-baskets-without-anyone-blocking-me”-pussy-ass-basketball-shit.

This is hockey!  You want that puck?  Fuck you!  I’m going to physically slam you against this wall, asshole!  This sport is hardcore!  They even made a movie about just how hard-core this sport is.  And if you haven’t seen “Slap Shot,” then you’re not really a hockey fan.

In 2014, Howe had a series of strokes that led him to a trip to Tijuana [Home of all reputable medical practices] to receive stem cell treatments.  Sure, just kill a few babies so you could walk around again.  Nice one, Gordie.

The Howes were amazed how well Howe took to the treatment.  According to them, he was up and walking around the next day.  Later that week, he was even helping with the household chores.  …and they only had to kill a few babies to get it done.

I may not have a firm grasp of exactly what stem cells are… but conservative radio is against it, so it is therefore an abomination against God!

Then, he fell in love with one Edna Krabappel.

Theirs was a short tryst that consisted of only written correspondence.  She fell for him when he told her that “Truly, yours is a but that won’t quit.”  But she really melted when he added ““I like holding hands and dinner by candlelight. And oh, yes: I really hate yo-Gordie_Howeyos.”

After breaking it off with the teacher, Howe kept hearing the wind say “Edna.”  But that might have been one of his strokes.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  Yes that ass-basket gains another 20 points bringing him one hit away from triple digits.

[Apparently there was some confusion with last week’s update, so allow me to clarify: Bean is a basket that is filled with asses or at least, a basket made for the purpose of holding, collecting or transporting asses.  Where should I put all these asees?  Why, in the ass-basket, of course.  He is not a basket made of asses.  Because that would be silly.]

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 90 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Nathaniel: 10 (Alan Young – 10)

This hit’s the greatest!

Boxing great Muhammad Ali went from the Thrilla’ in Manila to a chilla’ in the… morgue.

The cause of death was finally succumbing to a blow in the head by Joe Frazier that he received back in 1971.  See, you shouldn’t have talked so much smack about Smokin’ Joe.

Ali won a shit-load of fights, many of them historic.  He had 37 wins by knockout and only five losses… yadda yadda yadda.  Boxing is boring and it sucks.

But, to say that Muhammad Ali was the fucking man would be a very gross understatement.

Soon after winning the heavyweight title, Ali converted to Islam and dropped his slave name, changing it to Muhammad Ali.  (“Cassius Clay is a slave name. I didn’t choose it and I don’t want it. I am Muhammad Ali, a free name – it means beloved of God – and I insist people use it when people speak to me and of me.”)  

We all know what his born name was, but I won’t use it here out of respect.   That’s how much of an awe-inspiring badass he was.  I, the Ghoul Pool Administrator, feel compelled to show him nothing but respect.  Me!  And I’m a fucking asshole!

In the prime of his career, Ali was arrested because he refused to be drafted into Vietnam for moral and religious reasons.  (“Why should they ask me to put on a uniform and go 10,000 miles from home and drop bombs and bullets on brown people while so-called Negro people in Louisville are treated like dogs?”)  His titles were stipped from him.  But he wasn’t gonna take any of that shit.  He fought it all the way to the Supreme Court.

His deposition opened with: “I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a

ali

He was also the fifth Beatle, aka: The Egg Man.

whale; handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail; only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick; I’m so mean I make medicine sick.”

While that had nothing to do with the case at hand, you just couldn’t stop the man from talkin’ trash.  He was just so damn good at it.

Ali scared the crap out of white folks.  They weren’t used to a strong, smart, eloquent, charismatic man who took pride in being black.  They were scared and Ali didn’t give a shit: “I am America. I am the part you won’t recognize. But get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me.”

It should also be noted that he was nominated for a Grammy for the song “The Adventures of Ali and His Gang vs. Mr. Tooth Decay.”  I’d make fun of this, but I’m pretty sure Ali would dig himself out of his grave and kick my ass for it.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  The Beaner (who happens to be a basket of asses, by the way) gains another 30 points and gets to pick a new holdover next year.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Nathaniel: 10 (Alan Young – 10)

Broadcaster and former baseball star… well, not really a star… former baseball player [yes, we’ll go with that], Joe Garagiola died at the spry age of 90.

Garagiola grew up with Yogi Berra who lived, literally, across the street from him.  They both made it to the major leagues in baseball.  Joe didn’t do as well as Yogi.

In nine years Joe played for four teams, hit 42 career home runs (an average of just under five a year) with 255 RBIs and had a .257 batting average.  So, he was an OK player.  He didn’t really suck, but he wasn’t really good.  He was just there.

Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t post those numbers.  But if we want to make a comparison, let’s see how Joe does in creating macros in Excel.  Or better yet, who can watch more movies?  [Frankly, I’m down with that competition against anyone.  The gauntlet has been thrown.]

Garagiola turned to broadcasting following his retirement as a player, first calling Cardinals radio broadcasts on KMOX, which is officially the coolest call sign of any TV station.  K-mox!

He then went to work for NBC where he called a bunch of games, blah, blah, blah… but he also filled in for Johnny Carson as a guest host a few times on “The Tonight Show.”  Imagine how disappointing it must have been to finally go to see Johnny Carson film his show live only to have your day, or more accurately, your life ruined when they announced that Joe frickin’ Garagiola is filling in for Carson.  It’s almost as bad as having Joan Rivers.

He also hosted a handful of game shows because… have you seen the guy? He’s more of a

Joe_Garagiola-Gerald_Ford

Garagiola did a Bane impression before it was cool.

game show host than Joe Biden.

In a case of bald-guys-sticking-together, in 1976 Garagiola supported Gerald Ford in the presidential election.  He actually did some commercials that are famous for hurting Ford’s campaign:

I planned to embed an example of a commercial right here.  Unfortunately, Youtube failed me.

Garagiola was the keynote luncheon speaker at the 2007 convention of the Society for American Baseball Research.  I mention this because…

Stop!  Tangent Time: There’s a fucking Society for American Baseball Research?!?!  What the fuck is that for?  With all the time TV spends going over every aspect of every damn sport (except soccer and cricket), I think we have enough goddamn research done into baseball on a daily fucking basis.  This is a membership organization dedicated to fostering the research and dissemination of the history and record of baseball (thank you, Wikipedia).  Do we really need this shit?  Has the winner of the 1956 World Series been questioned or something?   [It was those assholes, the Yankees by the way.]  Isn’t there something in this world that you can spend your money, time and energy researching that is more important than baseball records?  Like, I don’t know… Cancer?  AIDS?  Sheltering the homeless?  Beating Donald Trump?  I get having a hobby.  I get enjoying going through baseball stats.  But do we need an association for fostering and disseminating baseball stats?  Isn’t that done on ESPN like, Every.  Single.  Fucking.  Day?

He also hosted coverage of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show on USA Network from 1994-2002.  So?  He liked dogs.

This hit goes to: Joanne!  She pulls ahead of Harmony with her second hit and now has 70 points!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 160 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 70 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

The Girl on Fire: 60 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Baseball Hall-of-Famer Monte Irvin died at the spry age of 96.

Irvin was the oldest living African American to have played in the major leagues. He also was the oldest living member of a World Series-winning team, the oldest man who played for the New York Giants in the 1954 World Series.  He was old.

Hell, he was older than Nancy Reagan!  And Betty White!  Combin- No, not combined.  That would be ridiculous.

Irvin played for the New York Giants when Willie Mays joined the the team in 1951.  Irvin was then asked to mentor Mays.  Imagine that?  Being asked to mentor the Say Hey Kid.  Did they also expect him to give singing lessons to Ella Fitzgerald?  Film-making advice to Alfred Hitchcock?  Spiritual advice to Jesus?  

While living in Orange, NJ, Irvin played baseball for the Orange Triangles, a local semiprofessional team, who really could not think of one single decent name for a New Jersey baseball team.  Today, the team is known as The Toxic Avengers.

Irvin went on to play in the Negro leagues because this was a time when there was racism (not like now).  The idea was that black people were below the human race (here “Human

Monte

Sell-out.

Race” reads as “ingnerent white folk”) and therefore could not mingle with the human race.

In 1949, the Giants paid $5,000 for his contract, making him one of the first black players to be signed, as Jackie Robinson had effectively ended racism when  he broke the MLB color line in 1947.  [Oh, Racism didn’t stop then?  OK.]

Then in 1951 Irvin ended racism when he teamed with Hank Thompson and Willie Mays to form the first all-black outfield in the majors.  […still no?  OK.]

In 1968, he was named an MLB public relations specialist for the commissioner’s office.  The appointment made him the first black executive in professional baseball, ending racism once and for all.  [Right?  Wrong?   OK…]

In 1974, Kuhn was present in Cincinnati to witness the end of racism when Hank Aaron tied Babe Ruth’s record of 714 career home runs.  The black man had worked so hard under terrible conditions but now, with a black man tying the Sultan of Swat on home runs, it was made clear that we are all equal.  […Still no?  What the fuck is wrong with people?]

Just what the hell is it gonna take to end racism?

I know… once we get a black President, racism will simply vanish.  Sweet!

Obviously, this hit went to Tailgating with Jesus.  Bean strives to find obscure sports types to give him little, tiny hits.  But it should be noted that he is one little, tiny hit from tying your illustrious Ghoul Pool Administrator.

Nancy Reagan, somehow, still continues to live.  (Well, compared to this guy, she’s a Spring chicken.. maybe Summer?  No: an Autumn chicken.)

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 80 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 70- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 40 – (Natalie Cole – 40)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 20 (Wayne Rogers – 20)

Dolph Schayes (no relation to Dolph Lundgren) died at the spry age of 87.

Dolph played basketball for… Syracuse?  They had a team?… from 1948 – 1964.

Being a player in the 40s, he preferred being called “Dolph” as opposed to his actual name: Adolph.  No one is really sure why…

His parents were Jewish immigrants (hence, the name Adolph) and raised him in the Bronx.  But, this was before the Bronx was The Bronx.  This was when it was, basically, a suburb for the middle-class.  So, forget your images of little Dolphie with a pack of smokes rolled up in the arm of his tee-shirt, jacking a LaSalle’s hubcaps.  (Hey, they didn’t have meth back then.)

Early in Schayes’ career, he broke his right arm and played almost an entire season in a cast.  Which begs the question: What kind of crazy motherfucker you gotta be to play such an awful game with such a serious injury?

Turns out that this helped his career in a big way: with his shooting arm broken, Dolph learned to shoot with his non-shooting arm.  This created

Dolph.jpg

No, really, this is an action sot.

an ambidextrousness that would be hard for a defensive player to cover.  

Dolph has a bunch of impressive-sounding statistics that are such a pain in the ass because it’s basketball and who really cares?

Dolph was extremely successful until integration came along, which was the death-knell for white, jewish athletes everywhere.

He went on to coach and stuff before ending up back at that hell-hole known as Syracuse where he ended up a real estate developer.  There’s a happy ending.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  (well, duh.)  This is only the third hit of the year.  It is also the smallest (something that Bean is used to).

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.  

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 70- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70)

Jami: 60 – (Scott Weiland  -60)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 20 (Dolph Schayes – 20)

Former North Carolina Tar Heel coach, Dean Smith, died at the spry age of 83.

Dean spent 36 seasons as coach of North Carolina, his record was 879-254 (.776 win pct.), he retired with more wins than any coach in men’s Division I history, he made 11 Final Four appearances, won 2 national championships, 17 ACC regular-season titles, 13 ACC tournament titles, had only one losing season in 36 years as UNC head coach.

And he gets a big fat “who cares” from this guy.  Why?  Because basketball is the country music of sports.  It’s the worst.  The 1st half is completely trivial, there’s a constant scree of high-pitched sneaker squeaks that makes my hair hurt, and you can’t touch other players.  I mean, it’s the only sport designed to keep people inside.

Smith was also an understudy for one of Jeff Dunham's stupid puppets.

Smith was also an understudy for one of Jeff Dunham’s stupid puppets.

So, go tell it to Dick Vitale.  I could give two shits about basketball accomplishments.

Smith pioneered the Four Corners time-melting offense which blah, blah,blah… now let me tell you about Sergei Eisenstein’s brilliant use of juxtaposition in “The Battleship Potemkin!”  Or Martin Scorsese’s use of camera movement in “Goodfellas,”… or the mise-en-scène in “Citizen Kane.”

OK, I guess we all need to be nerds about something.  But I still hate basketball.

Now to more important matters: Tar Heels?  What the fuck kinda team name is that?  When have you ever heard someone say, “look out for that guy, he’s got tar on his heels?”  Even just the word “Heel.”  Don’t they know that it’s an insult meaning a dishonorable or unscrupulous person.  So, we’re a bunch of assholes covered in tar?  I just don’t get it…  like most of basketball.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  Bean is now tied for 2nd place and only 10 points shy of the leader!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)

Tailgating with Jesus: 60 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20)

Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)

Anne: 30 – (Joe Cocker – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 20 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)