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Tag Archives: Texas

Death Row inmate Terry Edwards was executed in the “great” state of (you guessed it) Texas at the spry age of 43.  Edwards was convicted of robbing a Subway with his cousin, who may have been the one to pull the trigger.

It is unclear if Edwards was a murderer or a victim of institutional racism.  And, while a shadow of doubt existed… this is Texas.

Texas has executed more people since 1976 than the next six states combined.  The death penalty is considered by many to be a deterrent from crime.  

In Texas, it is considered more of a hobby.

That’s why there’s no crime in Texas.  Because their killings scare people straight.  See,

jared-fogle

“Come to Subway.  Bring the kids!”  [You’re supposed to unwrap it before you eat it, douchebag.]

Texas is a shangrila compared to the rest of the nation.  I bet you couldn’t name one murder victim in the whole state!  Se, you couldn’t.  I’m clearly right.

Actually, Texas is right smack dab in the middle of crime rates when compared to the rest of the nation (22nd worst murder rate).  

The truth is: Texas just sucks.  On the list of places to never step foot, Texas is right there next to hell and a Nickelback concert.

Texas is the country music of the nation.  It is the Lars Von Trier movie of the nation.   The liver and onions of an otherwise delectable meal.  The Michael Bay.  The Youtube commenter.  The stepping on a lego in the middle of the night.  The burnt roof of your mouth from hot pizza.  Texas is the state that steals your lunch out of the fridge at work.  It is the Donald Trump of the nation.  [Everythings bigly in Texas.]

Edwards’ attorneys cast doubt on the fairness of the jury selection, saying that prosecutors “removed all eligible African Americans from the jury pool of 3,000 citizens and seated an all-white jury to decide the fate of an African American man charged with murdering two white people.”  

Now, there’s no way that’s coincidence.  I mean, here in Vermont, yes, that is probably a statistical reality.  But Texas has a 30% minority population.

They found a strike list that next to the names of 32 of the questioned potential jurors has a handwritten, encircled “B.”  That could stand for “black.”  Because they don’t worry about buoyancy.  

Now, there is precedent from a case of a black man convicted of killing a white woman in Georgia being unconstitutional because of the way black jurors were excluded. In that case, prosecutors marked the names of black jurors with a “B” on lists.

This the “Institutional” part of “Institutional Racism,” boys and girls.

There was no clear gunshot residue from the murder weapon on his hands.  No blood from either victim on his body or clothes.  Now, the guy went in a robbed a Subway, so not exactly a stand-up citizen.  But should you die for stealing money from the people who made Jared Fogel rich?

See, this is how our government works.  We mark the race of jurors to make sure that no darkies get a say when prosecuting one of their own.  Instead of getting to the truth, we’re happy to get alternative facts.

Edwards may have been guilty as hell.  The real problem is that we killed him without actually knowing if he was guilty as hell or not.

Edwards’ last words were “Yes, I made peace with God. I hope y’all make peace with this.”

Unfortunately, they already have.

This hit puts Josh on top with 100 points!  A rookie with triple digits 12 weeks in!  That’s pretty impressive!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

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One Percenter Harold Simmons died at the spry age of 82.  Ghoul Pool sources say that he died wearing his trademark red and white striped shorts making a feeble attempt at a Sweatin’ to the Oldies video.

Simmons was a Texan, which means he made the world a little bit better by dying.  But being a health-fitness guru, he expounded Imagethat “Not everything in Texas needs to be big, ladies!” as he “boogied down the pounds” while using some step-thing that probably cost $50 dollars and performed the function of a step.

He was a philanthropist who spent millions to create the fallacious “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth” that claimed that John Kerry’s war medals were not earned.  The group was originally the “Fit Butt Virginians for Toning” (presumably to the oldies).  All Simmons did was put them in ragged old uniforms and yelled, “Make me believe that Kerry willfully distorted his conduct!” until they broke and made a commercial. 

“Harold Simmons was one of my best friends, and it’s never easy to say goodbye to close friends,” Texas oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens said in a statement.  “And he gave me a buns of steel while I listened to all of my favorite 80s hits!”

This hit goes to: Carol!  If a One Percenter dies, you know that Carol’s getting’ the points!

This puts her on the board with ten points less than me… because we all know that I am going to crush you like ants under my boot.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

“Imaginary” Steve: 30 (Cardinal Domenico Bartolucci – 10, Cardinal Ricardo Carles Gordo – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 30 (Ronnie Biggs – 20, Harold Camping – 10)

Joanne: 30 (Ace Parker – 0, Nelson Mandela – 10,  Ray Price – 20)

SPMI: 30 (Peter O’Toole – 20, Joan Fontaine – 10)

Carol’s 1%: 20 (Harold Simmons – 20)

Gianna 20 (Tom Laughlin – 20)

Babysitter: 10 (Mikhail Kalashnikov – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 10 (Eleanor Parker – 10)

Good to the Last Drop (© Maxwell House ) – 10 (Frederick Sanger – 10)

Texas football coach (they like football in Texas?) Oail Andrew “Bum” Phillips, died at the spry age of 90.

Seriously, this guy lives in Texas and is first name is essentially “Oil?”  Was he born on the set of “Giant” or something?  Sounds like a long lost cousin of JR Ewing.

Bum never liked his nickname, he always considered himself to more of a hobo.  “I never would lie in the street, begging, like some bum!  Hell no!  I’d steal a pie off of some window sill, hop a boxcar with a fifty-cent bottle of whisky

Boy, just one look at this guy and I know: I have absolutely nothing in common with this man.

Boy, just one look at this guy and I know: I have absolutely nothing in common with this man.

and sing old timey music.”

Phillips was a young upstart when he was hired as coach for the Dillon Panthers.  He tried moving on to college ball, but the heart was missing from the game.  So, he went back to Dillon and led his team to the Texas State Championship game.

Despite his success, he was eventually fired from that post and transferred over to coach the under-funded, more ethnically diverse, East Dillon Lions.  And the rest, as they say, is… on DVD.

Phillips was known for his colorful quotes when talking to the press.  In one interview, he summed up football as, “two opposing teams trying to get a strange ball into a rectangular area at opposite ends of the field.”

He often used football as a metaphor for life.  “Football is like life,” he was fond of saying… apparently no one taught Bum the difference between a simile and a metaphor but, whatever.

This hit goes to Tailgating with Jesus!  yes, the Beaner moves up from seventh place into… seventh place.  Sheesh, way to get the job done, Bean.

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

PS: It is EXACTLY two weeks until draft night!!!!

PPS:  if you have some really obscure picks, you might want to Google them in case they died without us knowing.  I ain’t gonna do it for you.

Current Standings:

Dawn-n-Mike – 170 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10,Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30, Hugo Chavez – 50, Frank Thornton – 10 – George Jones – 20, Tompall Glaser – 30)

Babysitter – 140 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10, Margaret Thatcher – 20, Chi Cheng – 60, Pat Summerall – 20, Douglas Englebart – 20)

The New Dick in Town – 120 – (Jack Klugman – 10, Mindy McCready – 70, Jonathan Winters – 20, Jeanne Cooper – 20)

“Imaginary” Steve – 100 (Al Neuharth – 20, Ken Venturi – 20, Art Donovan – 20, Elmore Leonard – 20, Julie Harris – 20)

Joanne – 100 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20, C. Everett Koop – 10, Moon Mullen – 10, Virgil Trucks – 10, Dr. Joyce Brothers – 20, Eydie Gorme‏

– 20)

Gianna – 100 – (Lucille Bliss – 10, Bonnie Franklin – 40, E. L. Konigsburg – 20, Deanna Durbin – 10, Margaret Pellegrini – 20)

Team Sushi – 90 – (Conrad Bain – 20, Roger Ebert – 30, Deacon Jones – 30, Helen Thomas – 10)

Tailgating with Jesus – 80 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20, Jerry Buss – 20, Gus Triandos – 20, Bum Phillips – 10)

Occupy the Casket – 50 (Phil Chevron – 50)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 50 – (Patty Andrews – 10, Dick Trickle – 30, Jean Stapleton – 10)

Council of Geeks – 50 (Richard Griffiths – 40, Ray Harryhausen – 10)

Jami – 50 – (Larry Hagman – 20, Annette Funicello – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 50 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20, Milo O’Shea – 20)

Carol – 20 – (Stan Lynde – 20)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)

Larry Hagman, who played the kind & generous J. R. Ewing on the TV Show “Dallas,” died at the spry age of 81.

Hagman was found shot to death by his sister-in-law.  She was carrying his child and he threatened to frame her as a prostitute unless she left town.

Aw, look, he wears a cowboy-hat all the time… what a douche-bag.

Seeing as he lived in Texas, why wouldn’t you leave?  Texas? The state makes me wish I could find an accurate spelling for the violent regurgitation it conjures up.

In real life, Hagman was nothing like the gregarious character that he is known for playing.  In real life, he was a mean bastard who only cared about money.  He worked with corrupt local cops to issue trumped up arrest warrants on anyone who got in his way.  He once mortgaged his family ranch, enraging & dividing his family further.

Once, Hagman thought that his younger brother had been shot.  But that just turned out to be a bad dream.  A really, really bad dream.

You would think that he would have learned something from his character on TV, who donated his kidney to an orphan, gave his wife nightly foot massages and let Kato Kaelin stay in his pool house.

This hit goes to: my lovely wife Jami!  She drafted Hagman in the 19th round with that special sparkle in her eye and now becomes our new Ghoul Pool leader!  Suck on that, Babysitter!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami – 20 – (Larry Hagman – 20)

Gainna – 10 – (Lucielle Bliss – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)

Babysitter – 10 (Clive Dunn – 10)