Football player, actor, and murderer, Oranthal James Simpson (no relation to Homer), died at the spry age of 76.
Full of vitamin C, Simpson did a lot of football stuff that we no longer care about. He played for… someone. The Tennessee Ill-fitting Gloves?
He later went on to act in movies like The Towering Inferno and the Naked Gun series. But again: we no longer care.
All we really care about is the fact that Simpson, who was made from concentrate, went and murdered two people and got away with it.
In 1994, the world stopped to watch a slow car chase through Los Angeles as his buddy, Al Cowlings drove OJ around in a white Ford Bronco for two hours and they were followed by more cops than the Blues Brothers.
95 million Americans tuned in to watch this. Fans gathered along the freeway to cheer Simpson on. It wasn’t so much that they liked murder. It was more an illustration of the role police played in the lives of black people in LA. (For more information, I refer you to the song, “Fuck the Police,” by N.W.A.)
The trial was headline news every day. And I mean it. Every. Damned. Day. America became obsessed with every aspect of the trial. The prosecuting and defending attorneys alike became celebrities.
One of the defense attorneys was someone named Kardashian. Yes, that Kardashian. Because of OJ, we have shitty TV about his goddamn pointless family. (That’s the real crime.)
America learned who Kato Kaelin was. That’s information that literally no one should have known!
The trial was televised and got some serious ratings, spurning Court TV and more crap like that.
The Tonight Show (hosted by the lame-ass Jay Leno at the time) had a recurring skit where dancers came out dressed as the judge of the trial, Lance Ito. That shit was being considered as comedy.
When it was announced that there was a verdict, the world stopped again. I mean: it stopped in full. I worked at a call center and every phone went quiet.
As you may have inferred with the “got away with it” portion, OJ was found innocent.
He said that he would tirelessly look for the real killer when he was released. He spent the next few years scouring every golf course that he could in that pursuit.
What he should have done was go on some bullshit self-help retreat so he could find himself.
He ended up in jail for some… I don’t know… he got into some bullshit about sports collectibles in Vegas or something. Again: I really don’t care.
And now, the real killer is dead.
This hit goes to: Bean! Tailgating with Jesus is up to 40 points!
Happy Pooling,
SPMI
Ghoul Pool Administrator
Current Standings:
Team Sushi: 130 – (Joyce Randolph – 10, Anna “Chikadee” Cardwell – 80, Toby Keith – 40)
Toto Lover: 60 – (Eric Montross – 50, Bill Hayes – 10)
Tailgating w/ Jesus: 40 – (Peter Angelos – 10, OJ – 40)
Josh: 40 – (Sandra Day O’Connor – 10, Shecky Greene – 10, Louis Gossett, Jr. – 20)
Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (Shane MacGowan – 40)
Jami of Normal Voice: 30 – (Frances Sternhagen – 10, M. Emmet Walsh – 20)
송지효!!!: 20 – (Marty Krofft – 20)
Wes: 10 – (Rosalynn Carter – 10)
John Water’s Daughter: 10 – (Chita Rivera – 10)
Rowe Rowe Rowe Your Boat: 10 – (Bill McColl – 10)
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