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Well surprise, surprise, surprise, Jim Nabors died at the spry age of 87.

Nabors got his break when Andy Griffith discovered him performing and cast him for his show as Gomer Pyle, an idiot gas station attendant.  

The idiot was so popular, he got his own spinoff.  Ain’t that the American way?  Idiocy begets success.  Can anyone think of another example of an idiot becoming a success?

In Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., Pyle joins the Marines (as the initials may have given away).  But in real life, the Marine Corp would have eaten Pyle alive.  I’m sorry, but Jim Nabors was never bad-ass enough to make it as a Marine.  The Navy, maybe.

Nabors resigned after five seasons so they cancelled the show.  I mean, they couldn’t pull

Photo of Jim Nabors

Hey baby, wanna tip some cows?

a “Hogan Family” situation like they did to Valerie Harper.

After leaving, Nabors pursued a singing career.  You see, this professional hayseed had one hell of a baritone voice.  He recorded 28 albums, four of which went gold and one which went platinum.  (That means they sold a lot.)

While his voice was wonderful, his choice in music was horrendous.  I mean, he only did some country.  Generally he stuck to sappy love songs.

His Christmas album is just hard to listen to.  I mean, just fucking horrible.

In 1979 he made his greatest contribution to Pop Culture when he was featured in the Song “Nobody Home” by Pink Floyd on the classic this-album-encapsulates-my-teenage-angst album, “The Wall.”

Generations of teenage boys know him from “When I pick up the phone… (Surprise, Surprise, Surprise) …there’s still nobody home.”  [He did the “surprises.”]

This hit puts Jami on the board!  She now has only half the points that Erin has!  But at least she’s doubled Bean’s score.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Team Sushi: 60 (Ann Wedgeworth – 20, Malcolm Young – 40)

ERIN: 40 (David Cassidy – 40)

Girl on Fire:  40 (John Hillerman – 20, Della Reese – 20)

Josh: 30 – (Earle Hyman – 10, Charles Manson – 20)

Jami: 20 – (Jim Nabors – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus:  10 (Bobby Doerr – 10)

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70s heart throb (he throbbed a lot of hearts) and Keith Partridge, David Cassidy, died at the spry age of 67.

In 1956, Dave found out that his parent got divorced.  In 1954.  Yeah.  They got divorced and didn’t tell him until… well, the never told him.  He found out on the playground.  Literally.

That’s some good parenting.

Soon after, Dave’s father married Shirley Jones.  And now Dave had a totally hot stepmom.  Talk about a confusing childhood.

In the 70s, after a few small spots on shows like “Ironsides,” he got a gig as Keith Partridge in the show “The Partridge Family,” with his hot stepmom playing his mom.

The show was about this man, Rubin, who happened to manage a family of singers who drove around in a bus painted by Piet Mondrian.   Now you’re gonna hafta google Piet Mondrian.  It’s OK.  I’ll wait.

The series produced 70s pop hits like “I think I Love You,” which is a terrible song that I

Cassidy

“We rushed the stage for that loser?”

will absolutely sing along with at the top of my lungs in the car.

Cassidy was propelled to superstardom with ten Partridge Family albums and five solo albums.  He became such a draw that he sold out two shows at the Astrodome and he sold out a show at Wembley Stadium (a venue named after a Fraggle).

Things came to a head for David when a teenage girl was killed by a crowd rush in London in 1974.  Thirty years later, the girls who rushed the stage saw how Cassidy turned out and hated themselves for the rest of their lives.

In the aughts, Cassidy started a new hobby: collecting DUIs.  

This hit has been a long time coming.  Not because it’s David Cassidy.  But because it was Erin’s first ever hit!!!!!

Erin went through the whole of last year with zero points.  A fact that I was happy to point out all year long.

Now, I am proud to say that Erin has a full FORTY POINTS!  Huzzah!  Let’s all spend the weekend celebrating this great moment in Ghoul Pool history!  May it be the first of many hits!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Team Sushi: 60 (Ann Wedgeworth – 20, Malcolm Young – 40)

ERIN: 40 (David Cassidy – 40)

Girl on Fire:  40 (John Hillerman – 20, Della Reese – 20)

Josh: 30 – (Earle Hyman – 10, Charles Manson – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus:  10 (Bobby Doerr – 10)

Della Reese was touched by the angel of death at the spry age of 86.

Reese was best known for her role in the TV show “Touched by an Angel.”  The show was sentimental drivel cloaked in religion so that people would take offence when you criticized how bad it was… and it was bad.

The show also starred Roma Downey, an Irish woman who was hot enough to hook a few guys into watching something religious for an hour.

Reese was also a gospel and jazz singer who was discovered by Mahalia Jackson.  Yeah, you don’t know who the hell Mahalia Jackson was.  But she was great.  That’s all you need to know for now.

In 1953 she was signed with Jubilee Records where she recorded six albums.

reese

Della– Helloooooo, NURSE!

And you thought that she was just some angel’s boss.

In 1969 she had a talk show called “Della.”  This only lasted 197 episodes.  I guess she was no Donaohue.  

She was also the 1st black woman to guest host the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.  Remember that?  Guest hosts?  Now they just let everyone go on vacation every two weeks.

She was on a lot of shows here and there like “Chico and the Man,” “Night Court,” “LA Law,” and “Designing Women.”  But her greatest role was when she played the mother of Mr. T’s character, B. A. Baracus, on the A-Team.

It was there that Mr. T (“Mr.,” to his friends) was inspired to write a special rap about mothers.  A special rap that goes… a little something… like this:

This hit goes to: Mary!  The Girl on Fire has her 2nd hit of the year!

To learn more about Mahalia Jackson, visit your local library.  (The more you know…)

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Team Sushi: 60 (Ann Wedgeworth – 20, Malcolm Young – 40)

Girl on Fire:  40 (John Hillerman – 20, Della Reese – 20)

Josh: 30 – (Earle Hyman – 10, Charles Manson – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus:  10 (Bobby Doerr – 10)

Convicted cult leader and murderous nutbag, Charles Manson, Died at the spry age of 83.

Chuckie led the infamous Manson Family who famously went to war with the Corleones because they wanted to deal heroin with The Turk against Vito Corleone’s wishes.

Manson’s followers committed a series of nine murders at four locations in July and August 1969 – including Sharon Tate, heiress to the Tater-Tot fortune.

They wrote “Pig” and “Healter Skelter” (they didn’t know how to spell “Helter”) on the walls in their victim’s blood.

Manson was hoping to start a race war by pinning the murders on the Black Panthers.

manson1

Manson impersonating Albert Einstein.

Manson believed that this race war, called Helter Skelter, was referenced heavily in The Beatles’ White Album as part of a bizarre tapestry of nuttiness.  For instance:

Honey Pie:  “Oh, honey pie, my position is tragic/ Come and show me the magic/ Of your Hollywood song”

Meaning: The Beatles know Jesus Christ has returned to Earth and is in Los Angeles.  They want Manson to create his “song”, that is, his album that will set off Helter Skelter.  [The song is about someone longing for a fictitious American actress.]

Helter Skelter:  “Look out… Helter Skelter… She’s coming down fast… Yes she is.”

Meaning: The upcoming explosion of race-based violence is imminent. [The song is about going down a slide.  Paul may try to convince you it’s about the fall of the Roman Empire.  But Paul is full of shit.]

He said that Rocky Racoon was clearly a… well… the last syllable of Racoon.  I tried typing the word… just couldn’t do it.  [The original name was Rocky Sassoon, because Paul is dumb.  He changed it to Racoon only because it a) sounded more cowboyish and b) it still rhymed.  Unlike “Rocky L’Oréal.”]

He also went on and on about the meanings of Revolution No. 9.  [Which is just mind-blowingly horrible noise that means nothing]

manson2

“Hey, kids, let’s go kill for Uncle Chuck!”

That right there is a warning sign, kids.  If someone starts explaining Revolution No. 9, the greatest piece of crap that The Beatles ever put out, they are fucking insane.  No doubt about it.  No further investigation needed.

Chuck was originally born “no name Maddox” in Cincinnati  to a 16 year old girl in Ohio who would eventually go on to knock over a gas station using a ketchup bottle in 1939.

No.  Really.

Upon her parole, his mother and son lived in a series of run-down hotel rooms.  Manson himself later characterized her physical embrace of him on the day she returned from prison as his sole happy childhood memory.  Eventually, he ended up in the Gibault School for Boys in Indiana. After 10 months, he fled from there to his mother, who rejected him.

OK, I know: murderous fiend and all.  But this guy had a shitty childhood!

He went on to rob a bunch of stores, get caught, escape, get caught again… he was a Dickensian anti-hero.  

Eventually, Chuckie started a cult in California.  Because, that’s where you go to start a cult.  I mean, all the best cults are out there.  Not like those Branch Davidian losers in Texas.

Somehow, a bunch of people thought that it was a good idea to commit crimes, murders, and attempt the assassination of the President (yeah, they did that too) because this guy who was in and out of jail for literally his entire life said so.

His son, Marilyn, released a statement asking for privacy for his family at this time.

This hit goes to: Josh!  He is now in second place!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Team Sushi: 60 (Ann Wedgeworth – 20, Malcolm Young – 40)

Josh: 30 – (Earle Hyman – 10, Charles Manson – 20)

Girl on Fire:  20 (John Hillerman – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus:  10 (Bobby Doerr – 10)

Actor Earle Hyman busted his death cherry at the spry age of 91.

Hyman played the lovable father to the lovable predator, Bill Cosby in TVs “The Cosby Show.”  But we should not hold Hyman responsible for the sins of his fictional son.

Bill Cosby tweeted about the late actor on Sunday night: “Earle Hyman brought love, dignity and integrity to Grandpa Huxtable. Thank you, Earle, you will live forever.”

Yeah, fuck you, you serial rapist.

From 1985 – 1989 he was the voice of Panthro on Thundercats, the cartoon/commercial for Thundercats toys.

But his career goes all the way back to 1945s “The Lost Weekend,” where he played “Smoking Man.”  Unfortunately for him, the lead part was that of “Drinking Man.”

Hyman had many small roles on various TV shows like The Defenders (about a father

Hyman

Hyman, center, in an episode entitled, “What Was in That Drink?”

and son lawyer team, not a Netflix superhero teamup), The United States Steel Hour (reportedly the inspiration for Remington Steele), All My Children (about someone’s kids.  All of them.), Seaway (a crime procedural that centered around crimes committed in the… wait for it… St. Lawrence Seaway.), A Different World (presumably a show about living on an alien planet) and, of course, The Ivory Ape.

This hit goes to: Josh!  He’s on the board with ten points!  He may get more soon… I don’t know… people just keep dying!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Team Sushi: 60 (Ann Wedgeworth – 20, Malcolm Young – 40)

Girl on Fire:  20 (John Hillerman – 20)

Josh: 10 – (Earle Hyman – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus:  10 (Bobby Doerr – 10)

Guitarist and co-founder of AC/DC, Malcolm Young, died at the spry age of 64

Young died less than a month after his brother George died.

It has been a shitty, shitty month for Angus Young.

At age 15, Malcolm left school to go to work as a mechanic at his father’s bra factory.  The job wasn’t nearly as exciting as Malcolm hoped.

In 1973, his brother Angus (who is one letter away from having the grossest name ever) recruited Malcolm to form his new band AC/DC.

The band went on to have a few minor hits.  Songs you’ve probably never heard of like “Back in Black,” “Hells Bells,” “Highway to Hell,” and “You Shook Me All Night Long.”

I know: pretty obscure stuff.  But give it a listen.  It’s really good shit.

Malcolm left the band for a few months to go into rehab for drinking.  I know: a Scotsman who grew up in Australia has a drinking problem?  It’s, like, one in a million.

Malc Young

Malcolm Young, brother of Angus Young, and George Young, hair by Neil Young.

Once sober, he stayed sober for the rest of his life.  He also became boring.  Remember kids: alcohol makes you funnier and more charming!

Steven Van Zandt said in a statement, “Malcolm was the essential rhythm guitarist of the world’s greatest working class Hard Rock band. An irreplaceable loss.”

It should be noted that this statement did not come from Sun City.  He ain’t gonna play there.

This hit also goes to: Team Sushi!  They got two hits in one day!  Or, more accurately… two days apart…

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Team Sushi: 60 (Ann Wedgeworth – 20, Malcolm Young – 40)

Girl on Fire:  20 (John Hillerman – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus:  10 (Bobby Doerr – 10)

Actress Ann Wedgeworth wedged her way out of life at the spry age of 83.

Wedgeworth will be remembered for her turn as Lana Shields on Three’s Company.  Lana was a sexually aggressive woman in her 40s who kept trying to seduce Jack Tripper, played by the late John Ritter (Star of Skin Deep and Hooperman).

The plotline caused a rift between Ritter and the writers because he did not think that womanizing Jack would say no to a slutty 40 year old.

But the truth was very simple: John Ritter wanted to fuck Ann Wedgeworth.  Duh.

Growing up, Wedgeworth was a childhood friend and went to highschool with Jayne

Wedgeworth

So.  Much.  Hair.

Mansfield.  As in Jayne “Thanks for the Mammaries” Mansfield.

Jayne’s wedge was worth a little bit more in the end.

Wedgeworth also appeared in the laugh-riot movies “Bang the Drum Slowly” and “Steel Magnolias.”  Both movies are about healthy people who live very long lives.

She wasn’t one of the magnolias.   She had a smaller role.

She was married to Rip Torn for five years.  The divorce came about when she realized what a dick Rip Torn is.

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  They are on the board for 20 points and share the lead with Mary!

But who knows… anything could happen… actually, it has happened… more on that later.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Team Sushi: 20 (Ann Wedgeworth – 20)

Girl on Fire:  20 (John Hillerman – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus:  10 (Bobby Doerr – 10)

Baseball player and guy with whitest middle name ever, Bobby Pershing Doerr, died at the spry age of 99.

He was a mere 145 days away from being worth zero points.

He played for the Red Sox for 14 years… was really good… kept hitting over .300… had over 100 RBIs a few seasons… yadda yadda yaddda…

Doerr became the oldest living (former) player of major league baseball when some really fucking old guy died.  Now, the mantel is taken up by some really fucking old guy.

Doerr was the last player living to go up against the Iron Horse, Lou Gehrig.  Gehrig was the famous whiner who eventually quit after a mere 2,130 games because “I have a degenerative disease of the nervous system that keeps me from being able to hold a ball.”  Waa waa, boo-hoo.  Ya big baby.

He still ranks in the top 10 among Red Sox players all-time in most offensive categories,

Doerr

He was so old, they had to fucking DRAW his baseball card.

including games, runs, hits, singles, doubles, triples, home runs, RBIs, walks, extra-base hits, total bases, and times on base.  

Yeah, but how many times did he sing “Sweet Caroline?”  A big fat zero.  That’s how many times.  No spirit.  Sad!

Doerr’s friendship with fellow Red Sox legends Johnny Pesky, Dom DiMaggio and Ted Williams spurned a book called “The Teammates.”  The book has a real Sex in the City vibe where the four of them would sit around, drink wine and talk about vibrators and expensive shoes.

It was a really groundbreaking book.

This hit goes to: Bean!  The bastard now has ten points more than 14 of us.  We can’t let this go to his head!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Girl on Fire:  20 (John Hillerman – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus:  10 (Bobby Doerr – 10)

Actor and star of such movies as “The Great Man’s Whiskers,” “Honkey,” and “The Naked Ape,” John Hillerman died at the spry age of 84.

Hillerman was  known for playing the stuffed-shirt-typed Higgins, who undoubtedly yearned to stroke his fingers through his mustachioed boss’ chest hair on the 80s TV series Magnum P. I.

But he was so much more than that.  He had bit parts in everything from “The Call me Mr. Tibbs!” to “The Love Boat,” to “Tales of the Gold Monkey.”

Basically, if Hollywood needed a nerdy, stuffed-shirt, vaguely rich-looking guy, he was their man.

His IMDb page reads like a who’s who of washed-up TV shows.  “Hawaii Five-O,” “Soap,” “The Love Boat” (three episodes), “Hart to Hart,” “Lou Grant,” and “Simon & Simon,” to name a few.

He had some regular gigs, like Magnum, “The Betty White Show,” (about an old woman who jokes about sex instead of just fucking dying alread

Hillerman

The original title of the show was “Two Mustaches.” 

y!) and he was in six episodes of “One Day at a Time.”

 

He wanted to sign on for more of the latter, but his contract was day to day.

After Magnum though, his career took off with blockbusters like “Street of Dreams,” and “Real Men Don’t Eat Gummi Bears.”

This inaugural hit goes to: Mary!  The Girl on Fire opens up the race with 20 points!

At least she’s ahead of Bean!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

 

Girl on Fire:  20 (John Hillerman – 20)

Al Marhum Maulana Al-Sultan Al-Mu’tassimu Billahi Muhibbuddin Tuanku Al-Haj Abdul Halim Mu’adzam Shah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Badlishah, (AKA The Sultan of Kedah, AKA Sulty, AKA The Sultan of Swing, AKA Dude with the really long fucking name) died at the spry age of 89… back in September.

We don’t really keep up on Sultan news around here.  It’s all about our diseased piece of garbage pres. Instead.  So a Sultan’s death is likely to slip through the cracks.

Al Marhum Maulana Al-Sultan Al-Mu’tassimu Billahi Muhibbuddin Tuanku Al-Haj Abdul Halim Mu’adzam Shah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Badlishah made history when he became Malaysia’s Yang di-Pertuan Agong for the second time in 2012. The first time he served as Agong was from 1970 to 1975.

So… he was a giant spider that lived in the forbidden forest… twice?  

Al Marhum Maulana Al-Sultan Al-Mu’tassimu Billahi Muhibbuddin Tuanku Al-Haj Abdul Halim Mu’adzam Shah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Badlishah’s recent reign ended in December 2016, when he was replaced by Kelantan ruler Sultan Muhammad V.  (the “V” is for Vinchenzo.)

I tried and tried to research Al Marhum Maulana Al-Sultan Al-Mu’tassimu Billahi

Sultan

The man loved his bling.

Muhibbuddin Tuanku Al-Haj Abdul Halim Mu’adzam Shah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Badlishah more.  It is SOOOO boring.  His life reads like an ill-written text book.

The one interesting thing I found: Al Marhum Maulana Al-Sultan Al-Mu’tassimu Billahi Muhibbuddin Tuanku Al-Haj Abdul Halim Mu’adzam Shah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Badlishah had two wives.  

I really didn’t know that there were Mormons in Malaysia

Also, whenever I copy and paste his entire name (Al Marhum Maulana Al-Sultan Al-Mu’tassimu Billahi Muhibbuddin Tuanku Al-Haj Abdul Halim Mu’adzam Shah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Badlishah), every word in that paragraph gets a red-squigly line saying that it’s misspelled.  Every.  Goddamned.  Word.

Thanks a lot, Al Marhum Maulana Al-Sultan Al-Mu’tassimu Billahi Muhibbuddin Tuanku Al-Haj Abdul Halim Mu’adzam Shah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Badlishah!

This hot goes to: Wes!  It puts him 10 points behind the leader, who is ME!  

For the 1st time in 23 years, I won!

If I keep this up, I’ll win again in 2040 when Finn Wolfhard is our new President!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 200 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50, Charles Bradly – 40, Gord Downie – 50)

Wes: 190 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50, Jerry Lewis – 10, Colin Meads – 20, Al Marhum Maulana Al-Sultan Al-Mu’tassimu Billahi Muhibbuddin Tuanku Al-Haj Abdul Halim Mu’adzam Shah Ibni Almarhum Sultan Badlishah – 20)

Josh: 150 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20, Hugh Hefner – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 150 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20, Haruo Nakajima – 20, Barbara Cook – 20, Pete Domenici – 20, Liliane Bettencourt – 10)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 110 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50, Roy Dotrice – 10)

Babysitter: 100 – (June Foray – 10 – Glen Campbell – 20, Joost van der Westhuizen – 60, Nicolai Gedda – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 90 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30, Y. A. Tittle – 10)

Jodi & Husband: – 70 (Bill Dana – 20, Jud Heathcote – 10, Tom Petty – 40)

M: 60 – (Sir John Hurt – 30, Jake Lamotta – 10, Fats Domino – 20)

Joanne: 40 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20, Monty Hall – 10)

Mary: 30 – (Chuck Berry – 10, Robert Guillaume – 20)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)