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Robert Bartmess Friend died at the spry age of 88.

Bartmess.

In 1951 Friend signed with Pirates Owner Branch Rickey.  (A Branch Rickey being bourbon, half of a lime squeezed and dropped in the glass, and carbonated water with one lump of sugar.  Serve on the rocks in a highball glass and garnish with a wooden stick.)

Friend had his first winning season in 1955, his fifth year with the Pirates, when he altered his windup so he could hide the ball and his grip from batters until the last possible moment.  Sneaky little fuck.

“I had a real good sinker that carried me through most of the prime of my career,” Friend recalled in an interview with the Society for American Baseball Research.  The nerdiest society this side of Azeroth Social Network.

In 1966, Friend sold his soul and joined the Yankees.  Later that same season, he attempted to regain at least part of his soul by moving to the Mets.

Bob Friend

Seems friendly enough…

Sources in Hell report that Friend is with them.  “Once a Yanee, always a Yankee,” said underworld spokesmen Bob Uecker.

After leaving baseball, Friend remained in the Pittsburgh area. Running as a Republican, he served as the Allegheny County controller from 1967 to 1975, and he was a three-time delegate to the Republican National Convention. He was later an insurance broker.

“Both things are not great ways to keep out of hell,” Uecker added.

This hit goes to Bean!  Bean gets a two-fer! (Told ya Tailgating was making his move.)

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 170 – (“Mean Gene” Okerlund – 30, Devin Lima – 60, Fatima Ali – 80)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Mel Stottlemyre – 30, Frank Robinson – 20, Bob Friend – 20)

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Jami: 60 – (James Greene – 10, Kristoff St. John – 50)

Sue B.: 30 – (“Captain” Daryl Dragon – 30)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Babysitter: 20 – (George H. W. bush – 10, Carol Channing – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

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Baseball’s first black manager, Frank Robinson died at the spry age of 83.

Robinson broke into the majors in 1956 as a hot hitter and graceful fielder.  He floated like a… like a… like bubble blown on a spring breeze and he stung like a… like a… like bactine on a really bad sunburn.  (Yeah, that phrase will catch on.)

He was the NL MVP in 1961, the same year the Cincinnati Reds won the league pennant (something that does not happen that often).

But by 1965, despite hitting 33 home runs and driving in 113 runs, the team’s management considered him old and expendable.  Because baseball is nothing but a business where you root not for people but for a logo.

Well, Frankie showed them.  The next year he led the Orioles (as I’ve said before: worst team name ever) to a World Series victory while winning the Triple Crown and the Most Valuable Player awards.

The Triple Crown was a nail-biter.  No one really thought that he had the stamina to win

Frank Robinson

Robinson (right) next to a statue of Robinson (left).

at Belmont.

In 1975, Robinson became the first black manager in major league history.  It was a stunning moment that ended racism forever. Thanks a lot, Frank… or, more importantly: thanks to the white guy that hired him!  

If movies like The Help, 12 Years a Slave and Green Book have taught me anything, black people would be nowhere if it weren’t for the hard work, perseverance and nobility of white people.

Robinson managed the Cleveland Indians, the San Francisco Giants, the Baltimore Orioles, and the Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals.  

He dabbled.

This hit goes to Bean!  Tailgating w/ Jesus is making his move!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 170 – (“Mean Gene” Okerlund – 30, Devin Lima – 60, Fatima Ali – 80)

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Jami: 60 – (James Greene – 10, Kristoff St. John – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Mel Stottlemyre – 30, Frank Robinson – 20)

Sue B.: 30 – (“Captain” Daryl Dragon – 30)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Babysitter: 20 – (George H. W. bush – 10, Carol Channing – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

In a killer plot twist, Kristoff St. John died at the spry age of 52.

It all started when Cane Ashby [dick] is revealed to still be alive and that it was his twin Caleb that had died.  (Whaaaaaaaat?!?!?)

Cane’s father Colin (who is also a nut-bag asshole) wanted to kidnap another set of twins and take them to Australia. [I mean, maybe he’s not that bad.  Australia is much better than a dank basement in Cleveland.]

Colin thought that he was being aided by Caleb (the dead guy), but in reality it was Cane working against his father all along!

Cane stuck it to his dad by making Lily (Colin’s wife?  I’m not 100% on who Lily is) think that she was slowly losing her mind by appearing as a ghost figment of her imagination.  If only there were some meddling kids around to thwart his plan with the help of a Great Dane.

Lily broke down and committed herself into a mental hospital.

Cane was able to stop Colin’s plan. He then reveals himself to be alive. (Seriously, I’m getting to the Kristoff St. John)

Everyone was super-disgusted at Cane for what he did to Lily and that he let a dangerous man like Colin around the twins knowing Colin would eventually try to kidnap them.  [Cuz’ that’s how Colin rolls, y’all.]

Kristoff (see, told you I was getting there) was so irate at Cane that he punched him and then, real cool-like said “that was for Lily”.  I bet he practiced that in front of a mirror for

st-john-e1549412031261.jpg

St John saying, “I’m on that show.”

half an hour. It was his “You tawlkin’ to me?” moment.

Cane was relegated to the dregs of society when he found work as a bartender. He was arrested but was set free citing diplomatic immunity. [Take that Lethal Weapon 2!]

On Sunday, Cane took his sweet, sweet revenge on Kristoff when he doused him with whisky and pushed his car off of, oh… we’ll say… Dead Man’s Curve.

This hit goes to: Jami!  She knew that Kristoff St. John was actually a train-wreck and capitalized on that information!  [As she is known to do.]

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 170 – (“Mean Gene” Okerlund – 30, Devin Lima – 60, Fatima Ali – 80)

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Jami: 60 – (James Greene – 10, Kristoff St. John – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 30 – (Mel Stottlemyre – 30)

Sue B.: 30 – (“Captain” Daryl Dragon – 30)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Babysitter: 20 – (George H. W. bush – 10, Carol Channing – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

Not-So-Top-Chef Fatima Ali died after fighting cancer for a year.

She died of cancer… I mean, in case you thought that she might have won that fight then got hit by a low-flying blimp or something.

Fatima immigrated from Pakistan when she was 18 at a time that you could immigrate from Pakistan.  In the states she went straight to the CIA.

Ali lost in season 15 of Top Chef on Bravo (“I remember when Bravo used to air operas.”).  

In 2012, she won an episode of “Chopped,” where a bunch of people make shit that you can’t taste anyway.

When asked what drew her to ‘Top Chef,” she said, “I just love the part where everyone is

Top Chef - Season 15

Ali making some dish I can’t taste so why do I care?

all excited about a new challenge and they tell you what they want to do and they go get the stuff that they need and start cooking only to find out that there are more rules or requirements to the challenge which makes it much harder than they tell you about how they have had to change their vision due to mistakes and/or restraints when some people come around to check their progress just before time starts to run out which is when they get all crazy and rushy because they feel so much pressure to get it just perfectly and the dish comes out and is judged by people who claim to know what they’re talking about and dramatic cutaway shots are used to show reactions to what the judges say even though they could be reacting to hearing something about Trump but it looks good juxtaposed with a complaint about their dish and then someone is cut and it’s all sad until they announce a winner and it’s now all inspirational and we see everyone look all relieved for finishing the episode!”

Oh, shit, I should clarify: the CIA that she went to was the Culinary Institute of America in Hyde Park, NY.  Not the Central Intelligence Agency in Langley, VA. Jesus, that probably sounded confusing.

This hit goes to: ME!!!!! Let me tell you this: next year, Google “Reality Star Cancer” before the draft!  ‘Cuz that shit just keeps payin’ and payin’!

I now have a commanding 100 point lead!  (Don’t screw it up, McFeeley.)

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 170 – (“Mean Gene” Okerlund – 30, Devin Lima – 60, Fatima Ali – 80)

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 30 – (Mel Stottlemyre – 30)

Sue B.: 30 – (“Captain” Daryl Dragon – 30)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Babysitter: 20 – (George H. W. bush – 10, Carol Channing – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

Jami: 10 – (James Greene – 10)

Broadway superstar Carol Channing died at the spry age of 97.  (Yeah, forever ago, I know.)

Channing made her Broadway Debut originating the role of, we’ll just say “the blonde” in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

Time magazine said, “Perhaps once in a decade a nova explodes above the Great White Way with enough brilliance to reillumine the whole gaudy legend of show business.”

Talk about an ego boost.  Channing was probably impossible to work with after that!  Jesus, Time, quit beatin’ around the bush.  Tell us how you really feel.

And nice use of “reillumine.”  Even spell check doesn’t know that one.

She went on to do another show called Hello, Dolly! (The exclamation mark is not because I’m excited about this particular sentence, but part of the actual name of the show: Hello, Dolly!  You know, like Wham!).

Apparently she really sucked as Dolly Madison and was banned from playing the role ever again.  I believe the word “creatonous” was used by more than one reviewer. This was pretty heartbreaking because she-  What’s that?…. Hold on, I’m being told that I got a

channing

Channing commenting on the box-office of the Hello, Dolly! film.

fact or two wrong here…

I guess Wikipedia was wrong for the 1st time ever because Channing actually played Dolly Levi (NOT Madison) and she played that role over 5,000 times.

5,000 times!  Think about that!  If you played the show non-stop 5,000 times, it would take almost a year and a half!  Take that, Lou Gehrig!

“Performing is the only excuse for my existence,” she said during her last Broadway appearance, in the 1995.  Seeing that was her last performance, she then ceased to have an excuse for existence. Something she only just now decided to do something about.

When casting for the movie version of Dolly, the screenwriter felt Channing’s outsized personality wouldn’t play well for an entire movie. 25-year-old Barbra Streisand, was cast as the middle-aged matchmaker.  Which is not only bad casting because of her age, but because Barbra Streisand sucks in just about every way imaginable.

“I felt suicidal; I felt like jumping out a window,” Channing told a newspaper years later. “I felt like someone had kidnapped my part.” In her autobiography Channing admitted that the bitterness remained. “Her movie of Dolly was the biggest financial flop Twentieth Century-Fox ever had,” Channing wrote. “There!I said it.”

Daaaaaaaamnnn, Carol… hold them horses back…  That’s less of a burn and more of a light toasting.  Like an avocado toasting.

Johnny Depp has mentioned a couple of times that he’d love to play Channing in a biopic.  He called it a “dream role.” Depp said, “I mean it. She’s fantastic,” as he simultaneously smuggled his dogs out of the country while beating his wife.

Channing, for her part, loves the idea. “Men have been imitating me for as long as I can remember,” she quipped. “In fact, most of the impersonations I have seen have had a five o’clock shadow.”

This hit goes to: Babysitter!  Oh well…

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 90 – (“Mean Gene” Okerlund – 30, Devin Lima – 60)

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 30 – (Mel Stottlemyre – 30)

Sue B.: 30 – (“Captain” Daryl Dragon – 30)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Babysitter: 20 – (George H. W. Bush – 10, Carol Channing – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

Jami: 10 – (James Greene – 10)

Former Yankee Mel Stottlemyre is rotting in hell at the spry age of 77.

Not that he was a bad person.  But he played for the New York Yankees for 11 years.  So: definitely in hell.

He won 20 games in the 1965 season, which does not seem like a lot, But it is.

That year he also led the AL with 18 complete games, 291 innings pitched, and 1,188 batters faced.  Take that Lou Gehrig!

Stottlemyre threw 40 career shutouts That alone is at least 360 scoreless innings.  And I’m totally bored with stats…

Being a pitcher, he wasn’t a great hitter.  He only had 7 home runs. But one of them is the

mel stottlemyer

See: Yankee.  Evil.

most baller homerun you can possibly have.  In 1965 he hit an in-the-park grand slam! Think about that shit! 3 guys on base, a liner to the outfield and everyone scores while the fielders bumble around like the keystone cops.

Just think, that never would have happened if the AL already had the stupid, fucking Designated Hitter.

Stottlemyer went on to coach for, something like, 10,000 years.  He coached Dwight Gooden with the Mets in the 80s. “Mel took the time to find little things to make my fastball better.”  Gooden went on, “He even said that I should try not doing cocaine… He was an old prankster that one…”

Roger Clemens said-  Who gives a shit!?!? Roger Clemens is a total dick!  Fuck Roger Clemens!

This hit goes to: Bean!  Tailgating w/ Jesus gets on the board with a solid 30 points!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

PS: Fuck Roger Clemens!

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 90 – (“Mean Gene” Okerlund – 30, Devin Lima – 60)

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 30 – (Mel Stottlemyre – 30)

Sue B.: 30 – (“Captain” Daryl Dragon – 30)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – George H. W. bush – 10)

Jami: 10 – (James Greene – 10)

Half of Captain and Tennille, Daryl Dragon, died at the spry age of 76.

Dragon was the “Captain” half of Captain and Tennille.  He wore a stupid captain’s hat everywhere to remind everyone of that fact.

Call him “Tennille” and he’ll cut a bitch.

Dragon met his wife Toni “Too-damn-lazy-to-come-up-with-a-hat-related-nickname” Tennille when she hired him to play keyboards for her ecology-themed musical, “Mother

captain

Tennille with The Captain with his stupid fucking hat.

Earth.”

Seriously, could there be anything more stereo-typically hippy-dippy 70s culture?  Did they read each other’s auras too? Did they bond over the fact that they both had pet rocks and watched “Love American Style?”  Did they both wear washed-out colors?

They got married and went on to a career of crappy yet successful music.  Their hits included “Muskrat Love” and “Love Will Keep Us Together.”

Love did not keep them together though because they divorced in 2014.  The Captain did not really know why they divorced. He said that he was drugged up at the time.  My guess is that might have had something to do with it.

In her memoir [a book that I truly hope to never read] she described their marriage as loveless and lacking physical affection.  So, she left him to go get her some somethin’-somethin’.

In the end, she was by his side when she died.  Then went out to a club to go get her some somethin’-somethin’.

This hit goes to: Sue B!  She is on the board with three times the points she had last year!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 90 – (“Mean Gene” Okerlund – 30, Devin Lima – 60)

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Sue B.: 30 – (“Captain” Daryl Dragon – 30)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – George H. W. bush – 10)

Jami: 10 – (James Greene – 10)

Professional wrestling’s consummate straight-man, “Mean Gene” Okerlund died at the spry age of 76.

Mean Gene was known for being a scrawny, dorky interviewer who maintained a professional air while interviewing wrestlers who were often yelling, screaming and sometimes carrying snakes.

Through it all, his job was to act like it was a serious interview and not part of some folly.

mean gene

Mean Gene interviewing the always understated Macho Man Randy Savage.  (Guess which one is which!)

 Something that the White House Press Corp can really identify with.

I mean, you think today’s press has it rough with Trump?  All he does is insult them and unsuccessfully kick them out.  Mean Gene received a voodoo curse from Papa Shango. Take that, Jim Acosta!

Mean Gene was a team player.  When the WWF released an album, titled “The Wrestling Album” (a little on the nose if you ask me), Gene was there, contributing a cover of “Tutti Frutti”.

It’s really terrible:

In the 90s he went over to WCW, apparently because he was no longer on speaking terms with Vince McMahon.  But who ever remains on speaking terms with Vince McMahon. The guy’s a fucking prick.

At WCW, they wrote in a dirty-old-man premise for Okerlund.  It was creepy.

In 2016, Mean Gene went on to narrate the WWE Network original animated series “WWE Story Time.”  The existence of which makes me question the existence of God and reality for that matter.

This hit goes to me!  I’m back on top, baby!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 90 – (“Mean Gene” Okerlund – 30, Devin Lima – 60)

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – George H. W. bush – 10)

Jami: 10 – (James Greene – 10)

British comedy actress, June Whitfield, died at the spry age of 93.  

Whitfield acted for over 70 years.  She chose to go into comedy because of her looks.  She figured, “If they’re going to laugh at me anyway…”  
OK, that’s a real quote, not me being mean.

At the age of three June attended the Robinson School of Dancing, Elocution, Pianoforte and Singing.  Can you imagine learning to build forts out of pianos at age three? That’s frickin’ amazing!!!

In the real, grown-up world she learned everything she knew about comedy from Wilfred Pickles.  I am so happy to know that there was someone named Wilfred Pickles. Unfortunately, Pickles died in the 70s… so I can’t pick him next year.

At various times over the years Whitfield played wife or girlfriend to Benny Hill, Frankie Howerd, Dick Emery, Tony Hancock, Jimmy Edwards, Sid James, Ted Ray, Leslie Phillips, Stanley Baxter, Bob Monkhouse, Harry H Corbett, Tommy Cooper, Terry Thomas, Leslie Crowther and Ronnie Barker. A few of which I’ve actually heard of.

When working with Noël Coward, she asked Coward if she could wear a fringe (English for “bangs”) in the show, and her doubts about her appearance were hardly allayed when he replied: “Good idea. It’ll hide that vast expanse of forehead.”

Noël Coward was a dick.

Whitfield

Wow, that IS a vast expanse of a forehead.  But I’d never say that to her face.  Noël Coward was a dick.

Whitfield went on to play the mother in Absolutely Fabulous, which was a fucking great show until you see eight episodes and it starts to just grate on your nerves.

This hit goes to M (not James Bond’s boss)!  She’s on the board with a whopping 10 points!  Congrats, M (again, not James Bond’s boss)!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 60 – (Devin Lima – 60)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

M: 10 – (June Whitfield – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – George H. W. bush – 10)

Jami: 10 – (James Greene – 10)

Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

Star of “The Feminist and the Fuzz,” and “The Mork & Mindy/Laverne & Shirley/Fonz Hour,” Penny Marshall, stopped awakening at the spry age of 75.

Marshall became the 1st woman to direct a movie that grossed over $100 million  when she made “Big.” The movie is about a kid who wishes he was big. It was inspired by her favorite porn.

She also directed “A League  of Their Own,” and “Awakenings.”  This makes for a pretty

Panny Marshall

Marshall also played Laverne on a few episodes of “Arrested Development.”

solid resume… but she also directed “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” and “The Preacher’s Wife.”

 

Marshall was born in the Bronx and grew up on the northern end of the Bronx’s Grand Concourse.  This was a very nice, upscale area…. In the 40s. Now it’s a shithole. Been that way for decades.

Marshall made it big when she and the hot Cindy Williams were cast as blind dates on “Happy Days.”  Their characters were so popular that it spawned a spin-off called “Laverne and Shirley.” (Guess what their character’s names were.)

She played Laverne from 1975 to 1983.  That’s a shit load of L’s stitched onto a shitload of outfits.

As much as I love Penny, she is rotting in hell for attempting to re-make “The Bishop’s Wife.”  So… fuck her.

This hit goes to: Wes!  Yes, Wes is on the board with a strong 30 points!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

Ghoul Pool Administrator

Current Standings:

Nathaniel: 70 – (Jael Strauss – 70)

Lee Kwang-soo!!!!!!: 60 – (Devin Lima – 60)

Wes: 30 – (Penny Marshall – 30)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (Douglas Rain – 10, Stan Lee – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – George H. W. bush – 10)

Jami: 10 – (James Greene – 10)