Ha! I Kill Me!

Tiny actor Michu Meszaros {Pronounced: in some weird Hungarian way] died at the spry age of 76.

At 2’ 9”, Michu was unofficially the smallest person in the world.  I really don’t know why it was unofficial.. Did he fill out a form in duplicate instead of triplicate?  …Fuckin’ DMV.

Named after the abbreviation of Machu Picchu, the diminutive Hungarian was best known for playing Alf on the popular 80s sitcom, “Alf.”  Whenever Alf moved from behind the couch to the table, looking all creepy because you know he’s just a puppet, and he shouldn’t be walking around like that because puppets don’t have legs and it’s just fukin’ creepy!, that was Michu inside of that Alf suit.

He couldn’t be in the Alf suit for too long because it was extremely hot and uncomfortable for the actor to wear under the bright studio lights.  And there are labor laws that are meant to protect people from such conditions.  Unlike in Japan where you play goddamn Godzilla until we drag your goddamn unconscious body out of that goddamn suit and sew in a goddamn replacement actor!

As a youngster, Michu attended a state-run school of circus arts, becoming well-versed in many and varied performing skills.  He did this because he could see the fucking writing

That Michael Jackson… he loved males of small stature.

on the wall.  He was 2 feet tall!  What the hell else is he gonna do?  He was never going to make it as the manager of the local Hungarian Quick Stop [known locally as Gyors Stop].  If he was gonna make any scratch in this world, the circus was the ticket.

After hearing rumors of his existence for years, Ringling Brothers found him in 1973 and hired him to be… well… a midget.  But you know, in a way that debases his dignity.

Michu did a bit as a trainer for standard poodles.  See, it was funny because the dogs were bigger than he was.  And somewhere, a young Peter Dinklage hung his head in quiet disgust.

Michu was in four feature films including Waxwork, Big-Top Pee-Wee, Warlock: Armageddon, Freaked and… oh, I guess that’s all of them.

That last movie starred Brooke Shields and is about a vain actor, his best friend, and an activist end up at a mutant freak farm run by a weirdo scientist.  Must.  See.  This.  Movie!

He also did an episode of “Dear John,” because he and Judd Hircsh had been looking for a project to do together for years.

This hit goes to: Mostly Mike!  He is now up to an astounding 50 points!  Remember, this is the guy who won on his rookie year.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 90 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mostly Mike: 50 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Nathaniel: 10 (Alan Young – 10)

Like Robinson Crusoe, as dead as can be.

The man to first play an openly gay man on prime time television has died at the spry age of 89.

No, not Billy Crystal.  Everyone gives Billy credit for this.  It is not true.  “Soap” premiered in 1977.  In 1964, a full thirteen years before, Russell Johnson played The Professor on “Gilligan’s Island.”

Now, it is true that they never actually said that he was gay, like they did with Billy Crystal’s character, Jodie.  But come on, how could you not be gettin’ with Mary Ann?  Seriously.  If there is any admission that a man is gay, it’s not hittin’ that.

Yeah, Ginger was all hot and all, but she was a high-maintenance pain in the ass.  Mary Ann was a farm girl, she’ll milk the coconuts, build your own hut and grow all the citris you need to avoid scurvy.  All while wearing the hottest pair of shorts this side of Daisy Duke.

How can any straight man not want a piece of that?

The bottom line: if you pick Ginger, you’re a fool.  The only man on that island for her is Mr. Howell, and he’s got Lovey.  And you don’t want to cross Lovey.  She’ll cut a bitch.

Johnson went on to do a bunch of crappy little roles.  He had a spots on “Cannon,” “Wonder Woman,”  “Lou Grant,” “Alf.”  Frankly, I just wanted to mention “Alf.”  

He had a good humor about his most famous role though.  Once, while speaking at MIT, he pointed out that despite the Professor’s MIT degree, he still lacked the knowledge needed to patch a hole on a boat.  Russell, over the years, this point has eluded no one.

This hit goes to: Babysitter!  He is the next to join the At-least-I-have-as-many-points-as-Sean-has club.  But don’t get all cocky, it’s not exactly an exclusive club.

I wonder who the next sitcom character to go will be….

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Gianna 40 (Tom Laughlin – 20, Alicia Rhett – 10, Mae Young – 10)

Starving Writer – 40 (James Avery – 6’ 5” – 40)

Babysitter: 30 (Mikhail Kalashnikov – 10, Russell Johnson – 20 )

“Imaginary” Steve: 30 (Cardinal Domenico Bartolucci – 10, Cardinal Ricardo Carles Gordo – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 30 (Ronnie Biggs – 20, Harold Camping – 10)

Joanne: 30 (Ace Parker – 0, Nelson Mandela – 10,  Ray Price – 20)

SPMI: 30 (Peter O’Toole – 20, Joan Fontaine – 10)

Jami: 20 (Ariel Sharon)

Tailgating with Jesus – 20 (Jerry Coleman – 20)

Carol’s 1%: 20 (Harold Simmons – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 10 (Eleanor Parker – 10)

Good to the Last Drop (© Maxwell House ) – 10 (Frederick Sanger – 10)

You Only Get One Chance with Edna Krabappel

In her later years, Wallace enjoyed scrubbing pots and pans with her hair.

Actress and former executive assistant to Bob Newhart, Marcia Wallace, died at the spry age of 70.

Wallace got her big break playing the secretary in “The Bob Newhart Show,” where for six seasons, she gained the power to get people to drink just by saying “Hi, Bob.”

After that, she wallowed in the celebrity-game-show pit of mediocrity.  Right along with Charles Nelson Reilly.

Over the years, Wallace appeared on “Hollywood Squares,” “Password Plus” and its 1980s spin-off “Super Password,” “Whew!,” “Crosswits,” “Hot Potato,” “Body Language,” “The $25,000 Pyramid,” “Double Talk,” “Win, Lose or Draw,” “To Tell the Truth” and “Match Game.” She was also on special celebrity episodes of “Family Feud” and “Card Sharks.”

All this caused Paul Lynde to fire his agent and hire Marcia’s.

But Wallace didn’t just do game shows.  Hell no!  She was on two episodes of “Alf.”  She appeared in “Full House,” “Bewitched,” “The Brady Bunch,” and, of course, “The Love Boat.”  Marcia believed in quality, so she took the smaller roles that she wanted to do instead of that role on that fly-by-night “LA Law.”  It was a career that inspired the likes of Ewan McGregor.

Marcia was pulled out of her three-decade tailspin of the pedestrian when she landed the role of Edna Krabappel in “The Simpsons.”  Edna was the perpetual first grade teacher to the eternal first grader, Bart Simpson.

In addition to not teaching Bart, Edna also had an affair with Principle Skinner and, without knowing it, a crush on Gordie Howe, whom she sent a racy lingerie photo. Edna was a burned out teacher by day and a saucy, desperate minx by night.  But one of my favorite things about Edna Krabappel, her catch phrase: HA!  How awesome is that?

This year, for their 25^th season (just stop already, guys!  End it!) the producers of the Simpsons announced that they planned on killing off a character.  Apu was thought as the favorite character to die (according to my five-second Google Search).  Now I think that Edna Krabappel is even money.

This hot goes to: Erika!  She catapults herself from being shut out to being in 7^th place!  This may sound impressive, but remember that there are five people tied for 6^th place.

But at least she got a hit!  I have come close top being shut out before, and brother, it doesn’t feel good.  So, congrats to Erika on her first solo hit!

Happy Pooling,

SPMI

PS: Draft day: T-minus six days and counting!

Current Standings:

Dawn-n-Mike – 170 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10,Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30, Hugo Chavez – 50, Frank Thornton – 10 – George Jones – 20, Tompall Glaser – 30)

Babysitter – 140 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10, Margaret Thatcher – 20, Chi Cheng – 60, Pat Summerall – 20, Douglas Englebart – 20)

The New Dick in Town – 120 – (Jack Klugman – 10, Mindy McCready – 70, Jonathan Winters – 20, Jeanne Cooper – 20)

“Imaginary” Steve – 100 (Al Neuharth – 20, Ken Venturi – 20, Art Donovan – 20, Elmore Leonard – 20, Julie Harris – 20)

Joanne – 100 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20, C. Everett Koop – 10, Moon Mullen – 10, Virgil Trucks – 10, Dr. Joyce Brothers – 20, Eydie Gorme‏

– 20)

Gianna – 100 – (Lucille Bliss – 10, Bonnie Franklin – 40, E. L. Konigsburg – 20, Deanna Durbin – 10, Margaret Pellegrini – 20)

Tailgating with Jesus – 90 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20, Jerry Buss – 20, Gus Triandos – 20, Bum Phillips – 10, Bud Adams – 10)

Team Sushi – 90 – (Conrad Bain – 20, Roger Ebert – 30, Deacon Jones – 30, Helen Thomas – 10)

Occupy the Casket – 50 (Phil Chevron – 50)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 50 – (Patty Andrews – 10, Dick Trickle – 30, Jean Stapleton – 10)

Council of Geeks – 50 (Richard Griffiths – 40, Ray Harryhausen – 10)

Jami – 50 – (Larry Hagman – 20, Annette Funicello – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 50 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20, Milo O’Shea – 20)

Erika – 30 (Marcia Wallace – 30)

Carol – 20 – (Stan Lynde – 20)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)

She Ain’t Heavy, She’s Joyce Brothers

Self-proclaimed inventor of Media Psychology, Dr. Joyce Brothers died at the spry age of 85. 

Brothers was forced to tone down her theory on the benefits of interracial three-ways to make it more “TV Friendly.”

Brothers first became famous for a stint on “The $64,000 Question.”  The producers decided to ask her all questions about boxing.  Because girls don’t know jack-squat about pugilism.  Well, she won… $64,000.  That’ll learn ‘em.

She was then given her own show and a column in “Good Housekeeping.”  And ever since then we’ve had to listen to drivel from quacks ranging from Bob Hartley to Frasier Crane.   It wasn’t until a few years back when a therapist also became an analyst.  This made Tobias Fünke the world’s first Analrapist.  (Yes, I am very excited about new “Arrested Development” episodes.)

Born Joyce Diane Bauer, (she changed her name to hide her identity from the enemies of her terror fighting brother, Jack), Brothers also appeared on a dew other television shows, including: Saturday Night Live, CHiPs, Simon & Simon, Ellery Queen, Mama’s Family, Taxi, Happy Days, Police Squad!, Police Woman, Night Court, The Nanny, Frasier, The Andy Dick Show, One Life to Live, WKRP in Cincinnati, Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer, Mr. Belvedere, Married… with Children, Entourage, The Simpsons, All That, Kenan & Kel, The Steve Harvey Show, My Two Dads, Melrose Place, ALF, The Larry Sanders Show, Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Suddenly Susan and Moonlighting.    

I know, isn’t it amazing?  She got to meet Mr. Belvedere! 

She also used to go on The Match Game where vicious rumors came about of a torrid affair with Charles Nelson Reilly.  These rumors were put to rest when Charles Nelson Reilly… well… acted like Charles Nelson Reilly.

This hit goes to: Joanne!  Yes, Joanne said, “Oh yeah, New Dick in Town?  I see your twenty points and I…. match it…” 

This also puts Joanne in the At-Least-We-Have-More-Points-Than-Bean Club!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Dawn-n-Mike – 140 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10,Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30, Hugo Chavez – 50, Frank Thornton – 10 – George Jones – 20)

Babysitter – 120 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10, Margaret Thatcher – 20, Chi Cheng – 60, Pat Summerall – 20)

The New Dick in Town – 120 – (Jack Klugman – 10, Mindy McCready – 70, Jonathan Winters – 20, Jeanne Cooper – 20)

Joanne – 80 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20, C. Everett Koop – 10, Moon Mullen – 10, Virgil Trucks – 10, Dr. Joyce Brothers – 20)

Gianna – 80 – (Lucille Bliss – 10, Bonnie Franklin – 40, E. L. Konigsburg – 20, Deanna Durbin – 10)

Tailgating with Jesus – 70 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20, Jerry Buss – 20, Gus Triandos – 20)

Council of Geeks – 50 (Richard Griffiths – 40, Ray Harryhausen – 10)

Jami – 50 – (Larry Hagman – 20, Annette Funicello – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 50 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20, Milo O’Shea – 20)

Team Sushi – 50 – (Conrad Bain – 20, Roger Ebert – 30)

 “Imaginary” Steve – 20 (Al Neuharth – 20)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 10 – (Patty Andrews – 10)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)