Raging Corpse

Boxing’s “Raging Bull,” Jake LaMotta, died at the spry age of 95.

His fiancée of 25 years, Denise Baker, said he died of dysphagia pneumonia.  And I really think that after 25 years, you’re no longer a fiancée .  You are merely the girl-who-Jake-strung-along-for-a-decade-and-a-half.

A fiancée gets married to a guy or becomes an ex-fiancée.  What, was he waiting to turn 100?  How the hell did he pull this shit off?

Is now a good time to mention that she’s 30 years younger than him?  I’m sorry guys, but going after women who are that much younger… just fucking creepy.  When he was 40 did he look for dates in the 4th grade?  Because that’s the age difference.  There is no age where that does not become creepy.

LaMotta was famously the subject of the classic Martin Scorsese movie film, “Raging Bull.”  That’s the film that guys will watch because it’s about boxing yet lament how it

See, even she thinks it’s creepy.

should be in color because guys are fucking idiots.

Robert Deniro, who won an Oscar portraying LaMotta, famously gained 500 pounds for the role.  To which Christian Bale said, “hold my beer.”

Married seven times, LaMotta once quipped, “My first wife died from eating mushrooms. My second wife died from eating mushrooms. My third wife died of a skull fracture. She refused to eat the mushrooms.”

Ha ha ha ha!  You’re such an abusive, murderous husband!  You know it’s bad when a guy makes Andy Capp look like husband of the year.

This hit goes to: Marianne!  She can now say, “Hey, at least I’m beating Joanne!”

Erin remains at zero.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Wes: 170 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50, Jerry Lewis – 10, Colin Meads – 20)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 140 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20, Haruo Nakajima – 20, Barbara Cook – 20, Pete Domenici – 20)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Babysitter: 100 – (June Foray – 10 – Glen Campbell – 20, Joost van der Westhuizen – 60, Nicolai Gedda – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 40 – (Sir John Hurt – 30, Jake Lamotta – 10)

Jodi & Husband: – 30 (Bill Dana – 20, Jud Heathcote – 10)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

The Day the Clown Died

Nice LADY!

Writer, Director and star of “The Day the Clown Cried,” Jerry Lewis, now gets to pester Dean Martin again because he died at the spry age of 91.

France released a statement saying that without Lewis, the United States is officially worthless.

Lewis became a star when he and Dean Martin started an act together.  Lewis was enamored with Martin because Dino was everything he was not: handsome, self-assured and deeply, unshakably cool.  I mean, he was Dean-fucking-Martin.

Dino would croon some tunes while Jerry capered around the stage doing hilarious things like… crossing his eyes… or talking like Fran Drescher.

Their act was a dialectic between adult and infant, assurance and anxiety, bitter experience and wide-eyed innocence that generated a powerful image of postwar America, a gangly young country suddenly dominant on the world stage. [And if you

Hilarious.

think that I wrote that, you think way too much of my intellect.]

Martin and Lewis went on to make 16 films together where Lewis became a live-action extension of the anarchic characters, like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck.

Over time, Dino got sick of Jerry.  Mainly because Dino was too cool to hang out with the likes of Jerry Lewis.  But he also resented how Lewis was always the center of attention.  Dino struck out on his own.  He did pretty good without Jerry.

Lewis continued to make movies eventually moving into the director’s chair.  He directed “The Bellboy,” “The Ladies Man,” and “The Nutty Professor.”  Now, I have never seen “The Nutty Professor,” or it’s 1996 remake starring Eddie Murphy.  But I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the original was much better.

All this culminated to his legendary 1972 film, “The Day the Clown Cried.”  

If you’ve never heard of this movie, it’s probably because it was never released.  The writer of the original story thought that the movie sucked and fought to not release it.  In the end, Lewis himself refused to release it because he said it was so bad.  Embarrassingly bad.  “Battlefield Earth” bad.

The movie is about a German clown, Helmut Doork, who tries to cheer kids up in a concentration camp… as he leads them to the gas chamber.

Now you want to see it, don’t you?

Member of Spinal Tap, Harry Shearer, claims to have seen the movie.  He said, “seeing this film was really awe-inspiring, in that you are rarely in the presence of a perfect object. This was a perfect object. This movie is so drastically wrong, its pathos and its comedy are so wildly misplaced, that you could not, in your fantasy of what it might be like, improve on what it really is. ‘Oh, My God!’—that’s all you can say.”

Lewis gave a copy of this to the National Archive as long as they promised not to show it until 2025.

So… movie night at my house in eight years!

Oh, and he raised a shitload of money for Muscular Dystrophy.  

This hit goes to: WES!   …dick.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Wes: 150 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50, Jerry Lewis – 10)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 120 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20, Haruo Nakajima – 20, Barbara Cook – 20)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Babysitter: 100 – (June Foray – 10 – Glen Campbell – 20, Joost van der Westhuizen – 60, Nicolai Gedda – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

He’s With God(zilla) Now

Haruo Nakajima, the first actor to play Godzilla, died at the spry age of 88.

In 1954, Nakajima starred in the 1st Godzilla movie and he had a small part in Akira Kurosawa’s masterpiece “Seven [*ya-a-a-w-wn*] Samurai.”  That’s kinda running the gamut [an annoying artsy-fartsy movie and miniature destruction porn (a precursor to today’s destruction-porn)] with only two movies!

Mr. Nakajima would eventually put on the 200 pound rubber monster costume 12 times from 1954 to 1972 in a series of movies that became an international phenomenon.  Not a very entertaining phenomenon, but still popular enough.  Kinda like the Kardashians.  

Wearing a hot, heavy suit beneath bright lights had him sweating so much, he said, that at the end of a day’s shooting he could wring enough perspiration from his undershirt to fill half a bucket.  God, that’s disgusting.  If you smell carefully, you can still smell the stink from that suit from here.

To perfect the monster’s destructive gait, Mr. Nakajima spent hours at the zoo studying

Nakajima, shown here dehydrated and passing out.

how elephants and bears walked. He wanted the monster to be believable.  I mean, it didn’t work because a Nick Cage performance is more believable.  But, He did pretty good for a guy in 200 pounds of latex.

 

Truth is, he could only stay inside the suit for three minutes before passing out.  That meant that they couldn’t do any of those Alfonso Cuarón ten-hour tracking shots.

This hit goes to: Morrigan’s Mirror, which I have to yet again remind myself, is NOT Nathaniel!  Especially with such a geek-cred pick.

As a note: there is only one person without a hit.  How does it feel, Erin?

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 90 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20, Haruo Nakajima – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – (June Foray – 10)

Night of the Deading Dead

Father of the zombie, George A. Romero died at the spry age of 77.

“Night of the Living Dead,” ushered in a new version of horror, the-  ..the-  Braaaaiiins…..[Focus, McFeeley!  Focus!] …a new era of horror films: the Zombie flick.

The movie in itself is very simple.  No boring exposition to bog the action d- …Braaaaiinsss… [God, keep it together!] …down.  Zombies appear and you just need to be scared.  [Man, I’m hungry.]

Romero got his start in an unlikely place: Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.  He did a short film for Mr. R when Rogers went in for a tonsillectomy.  There were creative differences from  beginning, but in the end, Romero acquiesced to the saintly Rogers and removed most of the blood and gore from the operation scene.

The director’s cut is available on the Mr Rogers Criterion Collection DVD set.

Romero directed Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, and Diary of the Dead.  Bar Mitzvah of the Dead was never released due to its anti-semitic nature.

But he didn’t just do “of the dead” movies.  He always thought that his greatest work was Martin.  Not only was it such a break from the horror genre but the 90s sitcom was a

Romero also invented the mosh pit.

seminal touchstone for 90s African-American culture.

Romero famously hated the Sheneneh character.  As did we all.

On Sunday, Romero died from lung cancer.

On Monday, his corpse rose and is now shambling vaguely about the greater Los Angeles area in search of brains.

He may never find any.

This hit goes to: M!  It’s her first ever hit!  Congratulations!

PS: I am well aware of the controversy over whether Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is dead or alive.  The most reliable source still says that he is dead.  I will remove my points if he is proven alive.  If it is still up in the air at draft time, I will remove the points.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 120 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 70 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Please look after this corpse. Thank you.

The creator of Paddington Bear, Michael Bond, died at the spry age of 91.

Originally from the darkest Peru, Bond was found in Paddington Station by the Brown family.  Apparently, he was sent by his Aunt Lucy and Uncle Pastuzo.

In an interview, Bond said “”I came all the way in a lifeboat, and ate marmalade.”  Jesus, him and his goddamned marmalade.  

He lived with the Browns at 32 Windsor Gardens and frequented the nearby Portobello Road market, where he is respected by the shopkeepers for driving a hard bargain.  But in reality, they secretly hated the cheap bastard.

Man, did he get into some chicanery and monkeyshines!  Apparently, his 1st bath was a disaster.  He created chaos in the Underground (That’s British for “slave mines”) and even got lost on a shopping trip.

Man, this guy really wasn’t all there, was he…

Bond did a lot of work with kids who suffered from Hypertrichosis (hair all over).  He often gave them girls’ coats and ugly-as-fuck hats.

On 10 February 1943, Bond survived an air raid in Reading. The building in which he was working collapsed under him, killing 41 people and injuring many more.

It is believed that this is why the Paddington Bear books are so filled with death and images of bloody corpses.

In the end he wrote 27 Paddington books.  He also wrote other book series, the Olga da Polga series and the Monsieur Pamplemousse series.  But who really gives a fuck about them?

This hit goes to: Morrigan’s Mirror!  (A quick reminder here, that’s Pirate’s team.  Nathaniel did not name hit ghoul pool team after his daughter.)Pirate is up to 70 points!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 70 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

My Epitaph… Jose… Jimenez

Comedian Bill Dana died at the spry age of 92.  

Made famous for his small stint in the 1983 film, “The Right Stuff,” Dana was known for doing a fairly racist impression of a Mexican in skits that always began with him saying “My name… Jose… Jimenez.”

I say fairly racist because 1) the impression would never have legs today and b) Dana was embraced by the Latino community.  He was honored by the National Hispanic Media Coalition and worked, largely behind the scenes, as an activist.

Dana did not think of his creation as racist.  He said that Jimenez “was a perfect example of a person that wanted to be assimilated into American culture, learn the language, always looked spiffy … not a bit of the racist stereotype about the unkempt Mexican.”

In “The Right Stuff,” Dana is seen on TV doing his character, much to the delight of Alan Shepherd.  

Shepherd loved doing this impression himself.  Much to the behest of hospital orderly Gonzalez, who, along with his friends, thought that his Jose Jimenez imitation is A-OK.

Dana getting his first prostate exam.

But what he was doing with it is B-A-D.

Shephard got one hell of a barium enima out of the whole ordeal.

Dana did more than just appear on “The Right Stuff.”  He contrived the trademark “Would You Believe?” line of jokes that Don Adams employed in standup and on “Get Smart.”

He and penned one of the funniest episodes in “All in the Family” history where Sammy Davis Jr. plants a kiss on Archie Bunker.

Dana’s greatest writing credits are for “Chico and the Man,” Donny and Marie Osmond’s variety hour and “Matlock.”  That was some quality shit.

This hit goes to: Jodi & Husband!  They get their very 1st hit in the ghoul pool!  Congratulations!  I’m sure you’ll want to hold a party to celebrate.  I’ll have a free weekend in September!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Nana nana nana nana nana na: Dead Man!

Meanwhile, in stately Wayne Manor, Adam West lies in state after dying at the spry age of 88.

West, along with Burt Ward, were the original Ambiguously Gay Duo in the campy 60’ TV show Batman.  (BIFF!!!  BAM!!! KA-POW!!!!)

The show was cancelled after three seasons because after a ratings slump, the show was just too expensive.  It was the most expensive TV show on the air at the time.  Which today, is laughable.  I mean, the cast of Friends made more in one episode than it cost to make a whole season of Batman.

West always knew that the only real catwoman was Julie Newmar, Eartha Kitt and Lee Meriwether.

He also questioned why Batman doesn’t dance any more and wondered if anyone remembered the Batusi.

West & Ward, shown here peaking.

But Batman was filmed at the height of free-love and it turned into a back-stage bat porno.  (Holy Bat-Pole, Batman!)

According to Burt Ward’s autobiography, Boy Wonder: My Life in Tights (available on Amazon for sixty bucks), they got more pussy than all three cat women combined.

As Ward actually put it, “Everyone wanted our Bat Sperm in every orifice.”

Now, this claim is only found in Ward’s self-published book.  So, there might not be spuriousness involved.

West himself was asked about it and his reply was that “Burt fell victim to making up stories to sell books.”

He then noted that Ward only possessed Robin Sperm and that Bat Sperm was 100%.  Pure.  West.

West was born in Walla Walla, Washington, which I bring up because saying Walla Walla is fun.  Plus, it explains why he smelled like a Walla Wallan.

This hit goes to: Josh!  He is now in a tie for 1st place with Wes!  

And I think it’s time to say what is clearly on everyone’s minds: Josh and Wes are dicks.  Comin’ in a rookies.  Gettin’ 5 or 6 hits.  140 points each.  Assholes.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

No Moore …Again.

The worst James Bond, Sir Roger Moore, died at the spry age of 89.

Moore did moore than just Bond.  he was in a shitload of things.  Few of them good.  

He did a TV show called “Ivanhoe” about gardening in Russia.  He was also in “The Alaskans” as Sneaker Palin, or was he Blanket Palin?… Tent Palin?  The show only lasted one season.  

He went on to do a season of “Maverick,” in a role that Sean Connery turned down.  He left because once Garner left, the show went to shit.  I have no reference point to tell if this is true.

From 1962 through 1969, Moore played Simon Templar in the show “The Saint.”  Now this was a decent show filled with cool capers and whatnot.  Lamentably, “The Saint” is not available for streaming, but it is available on DVD.  (For us old people who still have DVD players)

The international stardom that he got from “The Saint” propelled him to star along side Tony Curtis in the new show, “The Persuaders!”  The series, like soccer, was popular

Yeah, but everyone looks good in a tuxedo.

everywhere but the US.

Next, Moore was selected to take over for Sean Connery (the best Bond) in the James Bond series.

He brought a certain shitty wit to his Bond.  He had many one-liners that ran concurrent to the character created by Ian Fleming.  But, much in the same way that disco was popular, people ate that shit up.

He made 7 bond movies over 12 years, making him the longest Bond.  (Not longest in the penis sense because George Lazenby is hung like a horse.)

He started out OK with “Live and Let Die.”  Moved on to “The Man with the Golden Gun,” and “The Spy Who Loved Me.”  But then he did “Moonraker.”

Moonraker was inexcusable.

In 2004, Moore was voted ‘Best Bond’ in an Academy Awards poll.  The next year, they selected “Million Dollar Baby” as Best Picture.  So, picking the crappiest in the lot to win is what they often do.  (“Crash?”, “The Greatest Show on Earth?”, “Birdman?”)

Moore was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II in 2003 for “services to charity”.   Mostly for his work with UNICEF, a charity that teaches poor children in the 3rd world how to ride a unicycle.

No, not everyone believes that He was the worst Bond.  Some of us are wrong.  And one of those wrong people is Sir Jason Carifa, who requested some input on the passing of Sir Moore.  Seeing that his Bond knowledge is vastly superior to mine (with the exception of Moore being any good), I thought it best to include his input:

His first James Bond movie “Live and Let Die” was fantastic – My personal favorite. The following movies “The Man with the Golden Gun,” and “The Spy Who Loved Me,” were great.  

A gun?  In space?!??! Fucking NRA…

Then the Star Wars era came upon us and instead of making “For Your Eyes Only” they decided to make “Moonraker”.  Ok, so we put monkeys and people in space but for God sakes please don’t ever put James Bond is space with laser beams again.  The movie was actually decent up until they launched Moonraker 1.

Roger took a break from 007 and decided to prove to the audiences that cannonballs can run in the 1981 memorable epic summer blockbuster “The Cannonball Run” starring my pal Burt Reynolds.

In 1983 worlds collided. The greatest movie blockbusters of the year. TWO James Bond movies by TWO different actors: Roger Moore’s “Octopussy” and the immortal Sean Connery’s (He’s immortal because he drank from the cup in Indian Jones and the last crusade) “Never Say Never Again! “

Moore did his final James Bond movie at the age of 58 was “A View to a kill” . This was another personal favorite of mine. Excellent music, excellent villain. So, Daniel Craig, there is no reason to give up on the James Bond franchise you can make it 60.

Life after James Bond was quiet he had small roles in “Spice Girls” and “Boat Trip.”

Ok I admit I saw those films.

Roger Moore Trivia:

– When rehearsing for James Bond movies he would constantly blink his eyes when shooting the gun. He was not a fan of weapons. Let’s be honest you’re not shooting a 44 Magnum like Dirty Harry. You have handgun that can fit into a purse.

-He was ready to retire after “For your eyes only” so James Brolin actually did a screen test as James Bond in Octopussy.

-He was supposed to present the Oscar for best actor to Marlon Brando for The Godfather but someone by the name of “Martinsheen Littlefarter” or some shit like that came up, and we all know how that went.

-He never ordered or drank a martini in any of the James Bond movies.

-While filming “Live and Let die” Roger Moore and Jane Seymour had dysentery in Jamaica. Well that’s a shitty story……

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Their two his are Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and Roger Moore.  Will they continue to cut a swath through 80s mediocrity?

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Team Sushi: 50 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Shortcasket

Erin Moran, who played Joanie (who loved Chachi, but we’re not sure if that love was requited) from “Happy Days,” died at the spry age of 56.

Moran played the cute, spunky, pain-in-the-ass little sister on the classic sitcom “Happy Days,” from 1974 to 1984.

There was a brief, one season stint where she and Chachi moved on to their own musical sitcom, “Joanie Loves Chachi.”  

Musical sitcoms are a terrible idea.  A lesson that was well remembered until the advent of “Cop Rock.”

She complained that in later years, the producers of “Happy Days” told her that she needs to be more sexy.  To which she presumably replied: “Have you seen me?  I might be able to pull off cute, but sexy?”

In 1981, she starred in the movie “Twirl,” which also featured Lisa Whelchel (Blair from “The Facts of Life”), Missy Gold (Katie Gatling from “Benson”), Charles Haid (Andrew Renko from “Hill Street Blues”), Heather Locklear (the lead in many a boy’s wet dream), and multiple stars from “Falcon Crest.”

The cast list reads like a Who Used-To-Be Who list of 80’s TV.

After that failed “Flashdance” audition, it was all over for her.

After Happy Days went off the air, her life jumped the shark and she did not work much.  Sure, she had stints on “The Love Boat,” “Murder, She Wrote,” and “Diagnosis: Murder,” like so many washed-up B-listers… and C-listers ..and– you get the point.

After 1984,Happy Days ended in more way than one.

She spiraled into depression between her lack of work and the mysterious disappearance of her brother, Chuck, which had haunted her for the past nine years.

Like any good episode of “Behind the Music,” Moran turned to drugs and alcohol.

In the 90s she was evicted from a trailer park, which is a pretty hard thing to do.  Trailer parks don’t exactly set a high bar.

According to the Daily Mail, her death was allegedly due to a heroin overdose.  But this is the Daily Mail… so, of course, It has been announced that she probably died of cancer.

They also said that Moran was “broke and homeless” after she was kicked out of her mother-in-law’s trailer, which is a pretty hard thing to do.  Because her mother-in-law doesn’t exactly set a high bar.

According to Paul Petersen, who runs the child-actor advocacy group A Minor Consideration, many former child stars had reached out to her in the past week or so.  (Obviously Ron Howard, with a job offer in hand, was not one of them).

Petersen said, “We did our best with the resources available to us, but it was a very dark room. Some don’t find the light switch in time.”

So, if you got a hold of her… it would have… cured stage four cancer?  Sheesh.  Someone sure thinks a lot of himself.

Scott Baio released the following statement: “Trump is great.  Trump is great.  Trump is great.”

What a dick.

This hit goes to: Wes!  One rookie just took the lead from another one!  Wes sits high upon Ghoul Pool Mountain (well, really more of a hill) with 140 points!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Dead Rickles

Professional hockey puck, Don Rickles, died at the spry age of 90.

“Clint [Eastwood], I’m sorry, but I just gotta say what’s on everybody’s mind here tonight: You’re a terrible actor.”

“We kid about great stars such as you Bob [Hope], why? Because you’re old and washed up.”  “There’s no booing! There’s no booing! If there’s another outburst we’re going to let Bob Hope get up and do his jokes!”  “What’s Bob Hope doing here? Is the war over?”

To Jimmy Kimmel: “I met your son….he’s a wonderful young kid. And he was smiling because he knows one day he’s going to come into a lot of money.”

“Bob Newhart made the claim that I am his closest friend. I have never met Bob Newhart.”

“Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, has been a great star for so many years. This man was married to a great many women in his life. They’re all flat now.”

“I must tell you, Mr. President [Reagan], it’s a big treat coming out here all the way from

Look at that face.  Was anyone else hurt in the accident?

California for this kind of money.”

“Pat Boone, one of our great stars, right? Has a daytime show. He’s marvellous, the way he comes out—’Hi, I’m Pat Boone!’ What do you want, a cookie? You’re making a fool of yourself and going nowhere, pal. And I’m a friend.”

Don Rickles: “Can I say something, Johnny?”

Johnny Carson: “Certainly.”

Don Rickles: “You’ve gotten so old.”

“Marty (Scorsese) when we see all the films you did, none of them were great.”

“It’s a true story, so help me God.  Sinatra was headlining at the Sands, and I was with this girl having dinner in the lounge. She wasn’t anybody I would bring home to my mother, but I really wanted to score big. Frank was in the lounge at his table with Lena Horne and some other celebrities and all his security guards. And my date says, ‘My God, there’s Frank Sinatra! Do you know him?’

“I said, ‘Sure, he’s a friend of mine.’ Which he was. But I made it sound like my whole life. ‘We’re like brothers!’ She didn’t believe me. So I said, ‘Wait here, sweetheart,’ and I went over to Frank’s table. ‘What do you want, Bullethead?’ he said. That was his nickname for me. I told him I was trying to impress this girl and would he do me a very big favor and come over and just say hello. He said, ‘For you, Bullethead, I’ll do it.'”

“Five minutes later, Sinatra strolled over and said, ‘Don, how the hell are you?’

“And Don Rickles looked up and replied, ‘Not now, Frank. Can’t you see I’m with somebody?'”

This hit goes to: the Mumblers!  Noah and Leigh get their 1st hit!  Huzzah!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)