Our National Em-Barris-ment Comes to an End

Right now, in the afterlife, Chuck Barris is meeting Chuck Berry.  Oh, if only David Letterman could have introduced them.  “Chuck Barris, Chuck Berry.  Chuck Berry, Chuck Barris.”

Crappy TV show creator, songwriter, novelist and possible CIA assassin, Chuck Barris, died at the spry age of 87.

Barris’ first game show was “The Dating Game” (precursor to the far superior “Love Connection”).

The show was a woman on one side of a wall asking questions to three men on the other side and her picking a date without seeing them.  There were always double entendres and dirty jokes and everyone hoped that she would pick the uggo just to see her expression when he was revealed at the end.

He next show was The Newlywed Game where three sets of Newlyweds were quizzed on how well they knew each other.  There were always double entendres and dirty jokes and someone would win a washer and dryer at the end.

Then there was “The Gong Show.”  Possible the worst TV show this side of Molly Dodd.

The show was basically the early episodes of an “American Idol” season.  You know, where

Yeah, this guy was a national treasure.

you watch to see how awful people are.

Barris hosted the show because the planned host was treating the show as a talent show and not as a parody of one.

A bad act would perform and it was truly awful, someone like Jamie Farr would bang a giant gong to end it all.

They developed running characters in the show.  Like The Unknown Comedian who was a stand-up who told intentionally corny jokes while wearing a paper bag over his head.  And Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, the show’s prop master who would dance to “Jumpin’ at the Woodside” while people off stage threw random props at him.

But mostly, the show was just crap.

Baris wrote an autobiography called Confessions of a Dangerous Mind which was made into a George Clooney movie in 2002.

In the book, Barris claimed that he worked for the CIA as an assassin in the 1960s and the 1970s.

A CIA spokesman at the time said “It sounds like he has been standing too close to the gong all those years.”

Plus, they were too busy bugging the phones of Presidential candidates (as they are known to do).

This hit goes to: Josh!  Josh takes the lead with 120 points!  With seven months left, can he hold onto his lead?

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Yeah, Definitely Time for Wapner…

…to DIE!

Judge Joseph A. Wapner, “The People’s Judge,” definitely died at the spry age of 93.

He definitely  died a full 5,431 days after his faithful bailiff, Rusty.  Wapner definitely never loved Rusty.  Yeah, definitely.

Wapner definitely presided over the syndicated “The People’s Court” (as opposed to the US courts which are clearly there for corporations and definitely not people) from 1981-1993.

Wapner proved himself to be a firm, reassuring paragon of fairness and efficacy in the application of the law.  And no, I did not write that sentence.  

In high school, Wapner definitely dated Lana Turner.

Wait-  WHAT!?!??!  He dated Lana Turner!?!?  

Boy, if drinking it is a sentence, it’s gotta be good!

The guys in law school probably thought Wapner was full of shit.  “Yeah, suuuuure you dated Lana Turner… and you were probably bangin’ Joan Fontaine on the side.”

Thanks to the success of Wapner and the people’s court, we now have sayings like, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

Man, we’ve definitely gone down hill.

Wapner was one of the most trusted people in America.  He parlayed this into selling root beer.

I know, right?

This hit goes to: Joanne!  It’s been a rough year for Joanne so far.  This is her 1st hit!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, Devid Penrose Buckson – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

A Real Big Hit

Ahmad Givens, aka: “Real,” aka: that douchebag who keeps trying to get his friends to call him “Real,” and pathetic Rick-James-wannabe, died at the spry age of 33.

Real typified the awfulness of America because he was a reality star.  He starred on VH1 (“Hey, if MTV doesn’t have to play music, neither do we!”) in the cultural touchstone known as “Real Chance of Love.”

The show was thinly veiled prostitution where a gaggle of hollow, vapid women vie for the affections of Real or his brother Chance (aka that douchebag who keeps trying to get his friends to call him “Chance”).  It ran for two seasons.

To mourn his brother, Chance posted a selfie of him crying on Instagram… ‘cuz, you know, it’s all about him.

Young Ahmad’s life was changed forever when he saw his first Milli Vanilli video.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: when I die, if ANYONE takes a mourning-selfie, I will haunt your ass!  And I don’t mean a Geena Davis/Alec Baldwin kind of haunting where we dance around and sing calypso music.  No, I will full-on Poltergeist your ass!  You can take a fucking selfie after I make you scratch you fucking face off!  Hear me now and listen to me later.

Real had a line of haircare products called “Real Silk”  that embroiled him with numerous lawsuits because the product contained 0% silk.

Real contracted colon cancer a few years ago.  And since he was such an asshole, you can pretty much just call it cancer.  Maybe Real cancer… or cancer of the Real…

And Gianna kept her ear to the ground on the douche-bag with cancer front (I think she has a Google alert set up).

This means that both Fregosi sisters have one hit and both are tied for second with 70 points.  That’s pretty damn impressive.

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Tailgating with Jesus: 80 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20)

Gianna: 70 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70)

Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)

Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)

Anne: 40 – (Lesley Gore – 40)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 40 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)

Anne: 30 – (Joe Cocker – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)

Death’s per Diem

MTV Reality star (now there’s something to strive for) Diem Brown died of ovarian cancer (ovaries before bro-varies) at the very spry age of 32.

Brown was a recurring cast member on MTV’s reality television series “The Challenge” and an entertainment reporter. Which, I am sad to say, is the modern American Dream.

She appeared in such culturally enlightening shows like “Reality Obsessed,” “The Doctors,” and “E! True Hollywood Story.”  I believe that her episode of “Hollywood Hangover” is airing on “Masterpiece Theater” this week.  I’m settin’ the DVR for that

Left, Diem Brown on the red carpet for… I don’t know, we’ll say an E! Somekinda Award Thing. Right, during her Sinéad phase.

shit… Oh, wait… I don’t have a DVR.  Damnit!

She made her debut on “Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat,” which did not objectify anybody in anyway.

Brown was also the founder MedGift, a website that provides support to people going through any medical or health experience. They provide resources to support patients & their families: emotionally, physically and financially. MedGift also

created the first working gift registry for patients.

This makes it kinda hard to make fun of her.

God damnit!  Doesn’t she know that she’s the first hit of the year?  Doesn’t she know that this is what I do?  She couldn’t just be like a true reality star:  a perfectly deplorable human being like the Kardashians.  She’s gotta go out there and help people with a real need.  Bitch.

This first hit goes to: JAMI!  Really?  Are we going to have another year where Jami gets these big hits making the lead unattainable to the rest of us?  Oy.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)