My Epitaph… Jose… Jimenez

Comedian Bill Dana died at the spry age of 92.  

Made famous for his small stint in the 1983 film, “The Right Stuff,” Dana was known for doing a fairly racist impression of a Mexican in skits that always began with him saying “My name… Jose… Jimenez.”

I say fairly racist because 1) the impression would never have legs today and b) Dana was embraced by the Latino community.  He was honored by the National Hispanic Media Coalition and worked, largely behind the scenes, as an activist.

Dana did not think of his creation as racist.  He said that Jimenez “was a perfect example of a person that wanted to be assimilated into American culture, learn the language, always looked spiffy … not a bit of the racist stereotype about the unkempt Mexican.”

In “The Right Stuff,” Dana is seen on TV doing his character, much to the delight of Alan Shepherd.  

Shepherd loved doing this impression himself.  Much to the behest of hospital orderly Gonzalez, who, along with his friends, thought that his Jose Jimenez imitation is A-OK.

Dana getting his first prostate exam.

But what he was doing with it is B-A-D.

Shephard got one hell of a barium enima out of the whole ordeal.

Dana did more than just appear on “The Right Stuff.”  He contrived the trademark “Would You Believe?” line of jokes that Don Adams employed in standup and on “Get Smart.”

He and penned one of the funniest episodes in “All in the Family” history where Sammy Davis Jr. plants a kiss on Archie Bunker.

Dana’s greatest writing credits are for “Chico and the Man,” Donny and Marie Osmond’s variety hour and “Matlock.”  That was some quality shit.

This hit goes to: Jodi & Husband!  They get their very 1st hit in the ghoul pool!  Congratulations!  I’m sure you’ll want to hold a party to celebrate.  I’ll have a free weekend in September!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

The Right Corpse

The Clean Marine and the 1st man to ever orbit the earth, John Glenn, died at the spry age of 95.

OK, Yuri Gagarin was the first person to orbit the earth.  But he was Russian, so that doesn’t count.

Well, really Phileas Fogg was the first person to orbit the earth, but that took him 80 days.  So that doesn’t count either.  Plus, Fogg is fictional.  So there’s that too.

Glenn was known as a squeaky clean, gosh-golly-gee-willikers type of guy.  In the Mercury program, he convinced the more rough and rowdy test pilots that they had to

“Friendship 7” was originally called “Fuck Those Commie Bastards in the Ass!”  The name was struck after the “F” was painted, so they had to come up with something else.

keep their pants zipped and their wicks dry, you know, for PR purposes.

Glenn was a Marine.  This means that he was a total bad-ass who could have probably killed me seven different ways before I knew what was coming.  I thank you John, for not doing that.

In a debate for the Senate Primary in Ohio, his opponent accused him of never holding an actual job and just living off of the military.  Glenn’s reply was to tell him to go to a veterans’ hospital and “look those men with mangled bodies in the eyes and tell them they didn’t hold a job. You go with me to any Gold Star mother and you look her in the eye and tell her that her son did not hold a job.”

Do not fuck with John Glenn!

After serving in the senate for an amount of years that I am not motivated enough to look up, the clean Marine helped found the John Glenn Institute for Public Service and Public Policy… to encourage public service.  Well named, John.  Well named.

Glenn was also a Freemason, which let him pick the President every four years and secretly run the country in general.

Tom Wolfe said that Glenn was “the last true national hero America has ever made.”  …until he watched an OK Go video.  Then he added that “OK, OK Go are the last true national heroes America has ever made.  Holy shitsnacks!  How do they do that shit!?!?”

This hit increases Wes’s lead by a whopping 10 points!  Don’t get too comfy in the lead there,Wes.  I’m about to make my move!

And by “my move” I mean that someone else will likely overcome your lead while I sit and watch.  That’s how I roll, G!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 20 (Alice Drummond – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Jami: 10 – (Fidel Castro – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 10 – (Ralph Branca – 10)

Deadly Christian Barcelona

Former Arch Bishop of Barcelona, Cardinal Ricardo Carles Gordo, died at the spry age of 87.

It was hard to find info on this guy, either because he was so boring or only Spanish sites wrote about him.  What I CAN tell you is this: Hizo estudios primarios en la escuela de las Teresianas y secundarios en la de San José de los Padres Jesuitas, las dos en su ciudad natal. Ingresó en el Seminario Mayor de Valencia y a la vez en el Colegio delCorpus Christi, también nombrado “del Patriarca”.

This guy was so money, even Hef couldn’t get into his parties.

Gordo convoked and promoted a diocesan Synod – the only one celebrated in the post conciliar period in this Catalan Diocese.  I have no idea what those words mean.

His Guidelines for diocesan pastoral care materialized in the Pastoral Plan: ‘Identity, Communion, Evangelization’ addressed to five categories: non-practising believers, non-believers, youth, the marginalized, immigrants and families. This is making me Synod-off.

I’m satrtin’ to think that it’s a little from Column A and a little from Column B:  He was boring AND only Spanish sites wrote about him.

In his last sermon, Gordo was quoted as saying, “Who was the best Cardinal I ever saw? Well, uh, you’re lookin’ at ‘im.”

And in the end, Gordo went higher, farther, and faster than any other – 22 complete orbits around the world; he was the last Cardinal ever to go into space alone. And for a brief moment, Gordo became the greatest pilot anyone had ever seen.

If you do not get those last two jokes, you need to stop, put the wrapping paper down and go out and watch “The Right Stuff,” IMEDIATELY!  God, you immoral ignoramus!  How could you NOT see that movie?

This hit goes to: “Imaginary” Steve!  I-Steve has come up to a tie for first with me!  But as I told Joanne and Pirate, I will squash all of you like little bugs, so much so that you will want to put yourselves on next year’s list!  (maniacal laugh… maniacal laugh…)

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

“Imaginary” Steve: 30 (Cardinal Domenico Bartolucci – 10, Cardinal Ricardo Carles Gordo – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 30 (Ronnie Biggs – 20, Harold Camping – 10)

Joanne: 30 (Ace Parker – 0, Nelson Mandela – 10,  Ray Price – 20)

SPMI: 30 (Peter O’Toole – 20, Joan Fontaine – 10)

Gianna 20 (Tom Laughlin – 20)

Babysitter: 10 (Mikhail Kalashnikov – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 10 (Eleanor Parker – 10)

Good to the Last Drop (© Maxwell House ) – 10 (Frederick Sanger – 10)

Who’s the deadest pilot I ever saw? You’re lookin’ at him!

M-m-m-m-Malcolm Scott Carpenter, Mercury astronaut and… aquanaut(?) died at the spry age of 88.

Scott Carpenter, well he just thought that the 50s were the best gosh-darn decade in this great country’s great gosh-darn history!

Carpenter was one of two living Mercury astronauts.  Which means that John Glen gets all the booty from the famous Mercury Seven Tontine.  The treasure is said to be buried in Southern California under a big “W.”

In an unrelated story, hundreds of California Wal-Marts report that their signs have been dug up by frantic mobs in variously wacky fashions.

Carpenter kinda got the shaft in that movie, story-wise that is.  He was just the golly-gee- wilikers sidekick who lived in John Glen’s golly-gee-wilikers shadow.

He was the first man to eat solid food in space.  He ate an awful “energy snack” thing that he described as “clay with just a hint of chalk.”  Today, these are sold as Clif Bars.

Carpenter only went into space once because soon after, he broke his arm in a car accident (the cause was curiously listed on the police report as “a screwed pooch.”)

So, he did the next best thing.  He became an Aquanaut!  He actually formed The Aquanauts, an Aqua Man tribute band.  They would play water themed songs at benefits to raise money to produce an Aqua Man movie.  At the time of his death, The Aquanauts had raised $762.35.

This hit goes to: Joanne!  She catapults from 100 to 120 (OK, it was a small catapult… technically, it was a trebuchet.)  She happily joins the At-Least-We-Have-As-Many-Points-As-The-New-Dick-In-Town Club!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS:  We have found a sitter for Ryan for draft night!  She will be having a sleep over at a friend’s house!  Let the bacchanalia begin!

PPS: Did anyone besides my wife catch the “Do the Right Thing” joke?

Current Standings:

Dawn-n-Mike – 170 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10,Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30, Hugo Chavez – 50, Frank Thornton – 10 – George Jones – 20, Tompall Glaser – 30)

Babysitter – 140 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10, Margaret Thatcher – 20, Chi Cheng – 60, Pat Summerall – 20, Douglas Englebart – 20)

The New Dick in Town – 120 – (Jack Klugman – 10, Mindy McCready – 70, Jonathan Winters – 20, Jeanne Cooper – 20)

“Imaginary” Steve – 100 (Al Neuharth – 20, Ken Venturi – 20, Art Donovan – 20, Elmore Leonard – 20, Julie Harris – 20)

Joanne – 100 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20, C. Everett Koop – 10, Moon Mullen – 10, Virgil Trucks – 10, Dr. Joyce Brothers – 20, Eydie Gorme‏

– 20)

Gianna – 100 – (Lucille Bliss – 10, Bonnie Franklin – 40, E. L. Konigsburg – 20, Deanna Durbin – 10, Margaret Pellegrini – 20)

Team Sushi – 90 – (Conrad Bain – 20, Roger Ebert – 30, Deacon Jones – 30, Helen Thomas – 10)

Tailgating with Jesus – 70 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20, Jerry Buss – 20, Gus Triandos – 20)

Occupy the Casket – 50 (Phil Chevron – 50)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 50 – (Patty Andrews – 10, Dick Trickle – 30, Jean Stapleton – 10)

Council of Geeks – 50 (Richard Griffiths – 40, Ray Harryhausen – 10)

Jami – 50 – (Larry Hagman – 20, Annette Funicello – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 50 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20, Milo O’Shea – 20)

Carol – 20 – (Stan Lynde – 20)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)