Skip navigation

Category Archives: politics

Former German Chancellor, Helmut Kohl (remember him?), died at the spy age of 87

He was Chancellor (which I guess is German for Prime Minister) from 1982-1998.  So he was running the joint when the Berlin wall came tumblin’ down.  When the wall came crumblin’ crumblin’.  When the wall came tumblin’ tumblin’ do-o-o-own.  (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,  yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah)

He started out as a good Nazi.  He was a 15-year-old member of the Hitler Youth when the war ended.

Hitler Youth is basically the Boy Scouts.  But they earn their badges for hate.  The “Punch a Dirty Jew” badge was pretty easy to get.  But the “Kill a Jew” badge… well that shit changed a kid.

In his defence, the Hitler Youth was mandatory.  So it wasn’t like he was sitting at home one day wondering if he could join a group that taught him how to hate while forming

Helmut

Kohl, shown here with Helmut-head.

bonds with other young pieces of shit to last a lifetime.  No, if you didn’t join, then the other kids would get to earn their “Beat the Shit Out of the Kid Who Didn’t Join the Hitler Youth” badge.

In 1947, he was a co-founder of the Junge Union, a youth organization that defines itself as a liberal, conservative, yet progressive organization.  Whatever the fuck that means.

This organization supported integration.   So it was very different from the Hitler Youth.  

In 1982, as a flock of seagulls ran so far away, E. T. taught us that even little ugly dudes can get sick and turn white too, and Bob Newhart bought an inn in a small town in Vermont, Helmut became Chancellor of West Germany (the good Germany).

He sat behind Reagan as the president said, “Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”  To which Gorby famously replied: “I’m trying to, but have you ever had a Communist contractor show up on time?  Get off my back, little actor-man.”

In 1989, the longest standing symbol of Russian separatism was destroyed when the wall came tumblin’ down.  When the wall came crumblin’ crumblin’.  When the wall came tumblin’ tumblin’ down.

Today, a museum commemorating the wall and it’s awfulness is currently being planned along the US Mexico border.  But funding may be an issue.

After his reign, he became embroiled in a political party money scandal which was too boring to read about.  So I’m not really gonna go into it.

He the opened a chain of department stores in the US.

This hit goes to: Joanne!  She has her second hit and now stands at a whopping 30 points!

In other news, I may become a player in this pool because Russia is claiming to have killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  If this is confirmed: 60 point for me!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Former dictator and human pineapple, Manuel Noriega died at the spry age of 83.

Noriega put the “Dick” in Dictator.  He ruled Panama in the 80s where he helped the US, helped Cuba and sold a lot of drugs.

He was known for brandishing a machete during speeches.

He lived a lavish, libertine life off drug-trade riches, complete with luxurious mansions, cocaine-fueled parties and voluminous collections of antique guns.

Most importantly, he liked to display his teddy bears dressed as paratroopers.  

pineapplepokopo

Noriega, shown here doing his impression of Dick Cheney.

Oh, how I Googled and Googled the hell out of “Manuel Noriega’s Teddy Bear Collection.”  Alas, not even a thumbnail could be found.

In 1989, George Bush #1 got tired of his antics and shenanigans, even if it did keep Crockett & Tubbs employed.

With operation “Just Cause” (a name Bush came up with at retreat called “Operation: Lame Names”) the US invaded Panama (because invading is what we do) and deposed Noriega (because deposing is what we also do.  Ain’t that right, Chile?).  

A separate operation to keep Noriega from escaping was deployed.  This was Operation “Nifty Package.”  No.  Really.  Bush got his money’s worth at that retreat.

Noriega ended up holed up in a mission set up by the Vatican.  He came in and claimed sanctuary, just like Quasimodo.

To flush him out, the US used what is called Music Torture.  A fleet of Humvees mounted with loudspeakers rolled in, and blasted music, 24 hours a day, in this densely populated area.  I believe it was Operation “Neat-o Tunes.”

The playlist included The Clash, Van Halen, U2, Bruce Cockburn, Guns-n-Roses and The Doors.

Thee Office of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff maintains that the music was used principally to prevent parabolic microphones from being used to eavesdrop on negotiations.  In other words: they lied.  Again.  It’s what they do.  (Ain’t that right, Weapons of Mass Destruction?)

After ten days of this, Noriega surrendered.  It was later noted that if country “music” was played, the standoff would have only lasted two hours.  But we couldn’t do that to the brave soldiers manning the Humvees.

Noriega then spent his time traveling the world.  He stayed in Jails in the US, France and… well, Panama.

Later that year, “Miami Vice” was then cancelled.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Then Noriega died.

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Their swath through 80s mediocrity continues!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Team Sushi: 70 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Professional hockey puck, Don Rickles, died at the spry age of 90.

“Clint [Eastwood], I’m sorry, but I just gotta say what’s on everybody’s mind here tonight: You’re a terrible actor.”

“We kid about great stars such as you Bob [Hope], why? Because you’re old and washed up.”  “There’s no booing! There’s no booing! If there’s another outburst we’re going to let Bob Hope get up and do his jokes!”  “What’s Bob Hope doing here? Is the war over?”

To Jimmy Kimmel: “I met your son….he’s a wonderful young kid. And he was smiling because he knows one day he’s going to come into a lot of money.”

“Bob Newhart made the claim that I am his closest friend. I have never met Bob Newhart.”

“Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, has been a great star for so many years. This man was married to a great many women in his life. They’re all flat now.”

“I must tell you, Mr. President [Reagan], it’s a big treat coming out here all the way from

Don Rickles

Look at that face.  Was anyone else hurt in the accident?

California for this kind of money.”

“Pat Boone, one of our great stars, right? Has a daytime show. He’s marvellous, the way he comes out—’Hi, I’m Pat Boone!’ What do you want, a cookie? You’re making a fool of yourself and going nowhere, pal. And I’m a friend.”

Don Rickles: “Can I say something, Johnny?”

Johnny Carson: “Certainly.”

Don Rickles: “You’ve gotten so old.”

“Marty (Scorsese) when we see all the films you did, none of them were great.”

“It’s a true story, so help me God.  Sinatra was headlining at the Sands, and I was with this girl having dinner in the lounge. She wasn’t anybody I would bring home to my mother, but I really wanted to score big. Frank was in the lounge at his table with Lena Horne and some other celebrities and all his security guards. And my date says, ‘My God, there’s Frank Sinatra! Do you know him?’

“I said, ‘Sure, he’s a friend of mine.’ Which he was. But I made it sound like my whole life. ‘We’re like brothers!’ She didn’t believe me. So I said, ‘Wait here, sweetheart,’ and I went over to Frank’s table. ‘What do you want, Bullethead?’ he said. That was his nickname for me. I told him I was trying to impress this girl and would he do me a very big favor and come over and just say hello. He said, ‘For you, Bullethead, I’ll do it.'”

“Five minutes later, Sinatra strolled over and said, ‘Don, how the hell are you?’

“And Don Rickles looked up and replied, ‘Not now, Frank. Can’t you see I’m with somebody?'”

This hit goes to: the Mumblers!  Noah and Leigh get their 1st hit!  Huzzah!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Former Governor of the great state of Delaware, David Penrose Buckson, died at the spry age of 96.

This guy seems sooooo boring. Almost as boring as the state of Delaware.

He was born in Delaware.  He grew up in Delaware.  He went to school at the University of Delaware.  He became the Attorney General of Delaware.  He became Lieutenant Governor of Delaware.  Then he became the Governor of Delaware.

Jesus, go to fuckin’ Maryland every now and then!

Delaware is known for little more than being boring as fuck.  

It is also known as a haven for credit card companies.  Companies like Bank of America, Chase, Barclays, and ING Direct all call Wilmington their home.  The reason for this is that in the 80’s, Delaware passed laws that let them charge as much interest as they wanted to.

david_buckson

He even looks like a Penrose.

So, if you’re having trouble getting out of credit card debt, you can thank then Governor Pierre DuPont.  …And you shitty spending habits.

Which brings us to another industry they are known for: Chemicals.  DuPont is also centered in Wilmington.  How evil is Dupont?  The sponsored NASCAR’s Jeff Gordon for 21 years.

Evil!

So: bottom line: Delaware sucks.  It doesn’t Texas-suck.  But half the state is trying to get you in debt, the other half is actively destroying the environment (and sponsored Jeff Gordon).

And I guess someone’s gotta run the joint.  Might as well be a guy with “Penrose” as a middle name.

This hit goes to: Wes!  He’s now tied for 2nd place and just 10 points behind the leader.

Three months in and only nine of the 16 lists have had hits.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, Devid Penrose Buckson – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Death Row inmate Terry Edwards was executed in the “great” state of (you guessed it) Texas at the spry age of 43.  Edwards was convicted of robbing a Subway with his cousin, who may have been the one to pull the trigger.

It is unclear if Edwards was a murderer or a victim of institutional racism.  And, while a shadow of doubt existed… this is Texas.

Texas has executed more people since 1976 than the next six states combined.  The death penalty is considered by many to be a deterrent from crime.  

In Texas, it is considered more of a hobby.

That’s why there’s no crime in Texas.  Because their killings scare people straight.  See,

jared-fogle

“Come to Subway.  Bring the kids!”  [You’re supposed to unwrap it before you eat it, douchebag.]

Texas is a shangrila compared to the rest of the nation.  I bet you couldn’t name one murder victim in the whole state!  Se, you couldn’t.  I’m clearly right.

Actually, Texas is right smack dab in the middle of crime rates when compared to the rest of the nation (22nd worst murder rate).  

The truth is: Texas just sucks.  On the list of places to never step foot, Texas is right there next to hell and a Nickelback concert.

Texas is the country music of the nation.  It is the Lars Von Trier movie of the nation.   The liver and onions of an otherwise delectable meal.  The Michael Bay.  The Youtube commenter.  The stepping on a lego in the middle of the night.  The burnt roof of your mouth from hot pizza.  Texas is the state that steals your lunch out of the fridge at work.  It is the Donald Trump of the nation.  [Everythings bigly in Texas.]

Edwards’ attorneys cast doubt on the fairness of the jury selection, saying that prosecutors “removed all eligible African Americans from the jury pool of 3,000 citizens and seated an all-white jury to decide the fate of an African American man charged with murdering two white people.”  

Now, there’s no way that’s coincidence.  I mean, here in Vermont, yes, that is probably a statistical reality.  But Texas has a 30% minority population.

They found a strike list that next to the names of 32 of the questioned potential jurors has a handwritten, encircled “B.”  That could stand for “black.”  Because they don’t worry about buoyancy.  

Now, there is precedent from a case of a black man convicted of killing a white woman in Georgia being unconstitutional because of the way black jurors were excluded. In that case, prosecutors marked the names of black jurors with a “B” on lists.

This the “Institutional” part of “Institutional Racism,” boys and girls.

There was no clear gunshot residue from the murder weapon on his hands.  No blood from either victim on his body or clothes.  Now, the guy went in a robbed a Subway, so not exactly a stand-up citizen.  But should you die for stealing money from the people who made Jared Fogel rich?

See, this is how our government works.  We mark the race of jurors to make sure that no darkies get a say when prosecuting one of their own.  Instead of getting to the truth, we’re happy to get alternative facts.

Edwards may have been guilty as hell.  The real problem is that we killed him without actually knowing if he was guilty as hell or not.

Edwards’ last words were “Yes, I made peace with God. I hope y’all make peace with this.”

Unfortunately, they already have.

This hit puts Josh on top with 100 points!  A rookie with triple digits 12 weeks in!  That’s pretty impressive!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Former President of Iran, Hashemi Rafsanjani, escaped the Trump presidency at the spry age of 82 by way of a heart attack.

Hashemi had a close association with Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, the guy who overthrew the shah in 1979.  Or, as Americans know him: Ayatollah Ass-a-hole-ah.  

‘merica: we put the “-assy” in “Classy.”

But the Hash-man (as he was not known to his friends) wasn’t all bad.

For instance, he was credited with suggesting that “Death to America” be dropped from the litany of slogans at Tehran’s Friday prayers.  Heh, was this guy great or what?

In the Iran-Iraq war, he was widely credited with persuading the leadership in Tehran to accept a United Nations resolution that ended the fighting.  What a swell guy!

hashemi

Hashemi never tired pf telling people how big his dick was.

As President he had all those political dissidents and Kurds that he had executed… well, no one is perfect.

Rafsanjani was born into a family of wealthy pistachio framers, a phrase that I never knew existed.

At 4, he left his home village to study theology in the holy city of Qum, where he became a disciple of Ayatollah Khomeini.  I’m not sure if that’s an indoctrination thing or more a Middle-Eastern Doogie-Howser-boy-genius thing.

[OK, according to Wikipedia, he left his village at age 14.  Could the NY Times have a typo?  So, either Trump is right and the NYT is failing and Wikipedia is more reliable, or he left at 4…. So torn between logic and my beliefs…]

But let’s not forget the best thing about Hashemi Rafsanjani: His name.

Hashemi Rafsanjani!  What a fucking astounding name!  It’s the best name this side of Fyvush Finkle!  I want a name my next dog Hashemi Rafsanjani.

I have a feeling that I will be over ruled by my family on that one.  I’d have a better chance naming it Fyvush.

This hit goes to: ME!  I have been picking Hashemi Rafsanjani for years just because I love to say “Hashemi Rafsanjani!”

Now I’m in the At-Least-I-Have-As-Many-Points-As-Bean Club!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 90 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Wes: 80 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 20 – (William Christopher – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Clean Marine and the 1st man to ever orbit the earth, John Glenn, died at the spry age of 95.

OK, Yuri Gagarin was the first person to orbit the earth.  But he was Russian, so that doesn’t count.

Well, really Phileas Fogg was the first person to orbit the earth, but that took him 80 days.  So that doesn’t count either.  Plus, Fogg is fictional.  So there’s that too.

Glenn was known as a squeaky clean, gosh-golly-gee-willikers type of guy.  In the Mercury program, he convinced the more rough and rowdy test pilots that they had to

glenn

“Friendship 7” was originally called “Fuck Those Commie Bastards in the Ass!”  The name was struck after the “F” was painted, so they had to come up with something else.

keep their pants zipped and their wicks dry, you know, for PR purposes.

Glenn was a Marine.  This means that he was a total bad-ass who could have probably killed me seven different ways before I knew what was coming.  I thank you John, for not doing that.

In a debate for the Senate Primary in Ohio, his opponent accused him of never holding an actual job and just living off of the military.  Glenn’s reply was to tell him to go to a veterans’ hospital and “look those men with mangled bodies in the eyes and tell them they didn’t hold a job. You go with me to any Gold Star mother and you look her in the eye and tell her that her son did not hold a job.”

Do not fuck with John Glenn!

After serving in the senate for an amount of years that I am not motivated enough to look up, the clean Marine helped found the John Glenn Institute for Public Service and Public Policy… to encourage public service.  Well named, John.  Well named.

Glenn was also a Freemason, which let him pick the President every four years and secretly run the country in general.

Tom Wolfe said that Glenn was “the last true national hero America has ever made.”  …until he watched an OK Go video.  Then he added that “OK, OK Go are the last true national heroes America has ever made.  Holy shitsnacks!  How do they do that shit!?!?”

This hit increases Wes’s lead by a whopping 10 points!  Don’t get too comfy in the lead there,Wes.  I’m about to make my move!

And by “my move” I mean that someone else will likely overcome your lead while I sit and watch.  That’s how I roll, G!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Josh: 30 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 20 (Alice Drummond – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Jami: 10 – (Fidel Castro – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 10 – (Ralph Branca – 10)

In a shocking move to protest a Trump presidency, Leonard Cohen died at the spry age of 82.

Saying that Leonard Cohen was an accomplished writer is like saying that space is kinda big.  It’s like saying that country music is merely bad.  It’s like saying that duct tape fixes a few things here and there.

Cohen wasn’t just a legendary musician, he also wrote books of poetry and two novels.  His 1st novel The Favourite Game was an autobiographical bildungsroman.  And now you have to look up that word too.

More than 2,000 recordings of his songs have been made by acts like Judy Collins, U2, Aretha Franklin, R.E.M., Jeff Buckley, Trisha Yearwood and Elton John.  “Bird on a Wire” went on to be recorded by performers including Joe Cocker, Aaron Neville, Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson and was later made into a movie starring Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn.

He will likely be known for his classic song “Hallelujah.”  This song is as incredible as it is

cohen

Oh, and he fucking rocked a fedora.

overused.  It was relatively obscure song at first.  Only people who liked good music knew it.  Then it was in “Shrek.”

Next thing you know, the song then appeared in “The West Wing,” “Crossing Jordan,” “Without a Trace,” “The O.C., House,” “Dirt,” “Criminal Minds,” “ER,” “Third Watch,” “Ugly Betty,” “LAX,” “ NCIS,” “Justiça,” “Feast of Love,” “The Edukators,” “Vinterkyss,” “Sugar,” “L’Audition,” “Kiss of Winter,” “Saint Ralph,” “Answer Me,” “Lord of War” and “Watchmen.”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a great song.  But we just need to come up with a new musical cue, people.

He also wrote the song “Everybody Knows.”  I’ve been thinking about this song a lot in the past 48 hours.  Let’s take a quick look at some of the lyrics, shall we?  

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded / Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed  [rolls the dice, casts a vote… Potato/spud]

Everybody knows the war is over / Everybody knows the good guys lost  [God, this is depressing]

Everybody knows the fight was fixed / The poor stay poor, the rich get rich [Tru dat, right, Bernie?]

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking / Everybody knows that the captain lied [Oh, God…]

Everybody got this broken feeling / Like their father or their dog just died [sums up how we all feel perfectly.]

Did he write this song yesterday?  This is like a fucking lyrical photograph of the entire nation right at this moment!

Hold on a minute, I need to go slit my wrists….

While I bleed out, I should inform you that this hit goes to: Gianna!  Yes, she gets the very 1st hit of the year that I know of!  She bursts out of the gates with a whopping 20 points!  It may not seem like much, but it’s 20 more than you have!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Like I said: the song’s still fucking awesome.

Thailand’s King Bhumibol Adulyadej (pronounced “Brett Farv”) died at the spry age of 88.

This brings an end to the longest reign of the world’s longest reigning monarch with a seven decade reign on the throne.  

But this is a real throne, not a euphemism for a toilet… although, there have been days where I felt like I was on the throne for seven decades.  Damn Killian’s Red.

He will be succeeded by his son and male heir Crown Prince Vajiralongkorn (pronounced “FAR-fig-nugan”)

Prime Minister Prayuth Chan-ocha (pronounced “pe-THAG-er-us KO-chell-a”), says

thai-king

Say what you will about the man, but he knew how to rock the epaulettes.  

Thailand will hold a yearlong grieving period.  A freakin’ year… man I thought Ronald Reagan’s funeral dragged on.

U.S. President Barack Obama sent his boilerplate… I mean, “deep and sincerest” condolences and recalled the king’s “grace and warmth, as well as his deep affection and compassion for the <<insert nationality here>> people.”

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi called the king “one of the tallest leaders of all time.”  Here at Ghoul Pool Headquarters we could not find his actual height.  But photographic evidence shows that President Obama was at least 6 inches taller.  So, we are calling this fact-check: racist.

Born in Cambridge Mass., he found popularity with his Kennedyesque Boston accent.

His parents were Princess Srinagarindra, (pronounced “SPRING-steen”) and Prince Mahidol Adulyadej (pronounced “Frank”).  

His U.S. birth certificate reads simply “Baby Songkla”, as the parents had to consult his uncle, King Rama VII (Prajadhipok), then head of the House of Chakri, for an auspicious name.  The auspicious name that he got was Gary Glitter.  So, you can see why he’d rather be called Bhumibol Adulyadej.

Oh, and he was, like, all peaceful and shit.

This hit goes to: Imaginary Steve!  “What?” you say?  This ain’t no Chinese scientist!  No, it was one of his holdovers!  So, I-Steve gets on the board with 20 points.  If he wants more, he better start Googling some Chinese scientists.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Draft night is 11/5 – a mere 37 days away!

Current Standings:

Jami: 190 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10, Edward Albee – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 140 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10, Muhammad Ali – 30, Pat Summitt – 40, Buddy Ryan – 20)

Joanne: 130 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20, Buckwheat Zydeco – 40)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 130- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10, Elie Wiesel – 20, Mike “Mighty Atom, Jr.” Greenstein – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 120 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10, Marni Nixon – 20, Fyvush Finkel – 10, Steven Hill – 10)

Harmony: 100 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30, Gene Wilder – 20, Arnold Palmer – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Gianna: 80 (Robert Stigwood – 20, Lois Duncan – 20, Herschell Gordon Lewis – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

Mostly Mike: 60 (Marvin Minsky – 20, Mihaly “Michu” Meszaros – 30, Janet Waldo – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Nathaniel: 50 (Alan Young – 10, Kenny Baker – 20, Glenn Yarbrough – 20)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins – 20)

Imaginary Steve: 20 – (King Bhumibol Adulyadej – 20)

Morley Safer, who worked as a journalist for over five decades, died at the spry age of 84

It is safe to say that Safer was the longest serving correspondent on the show “60 Minutes.”  [Guess how long that show is.]

Safer did not stick with the safe, fluff pieces.  He once reported from Cam Ne, Vietnam, where he showed U.S. Marines torching villagers’ huts.  The show was not known as a laugh-riot.

Especially Andy Rooney’s segment.

During his career, Safer logged over 900 stories, according to some of the safer Safer estimates.

Safer announced his retirement eight days ago.  Man, EVERY cop movie in the world tells

morley-safer

Gene Wilder saw that hair and thought: I could totally pull that off!

you that you never say that you’re going to retire!  That’s when you die!

“I’m gonna retire in eight days.  Got myself a boat.  Christened it the ‘Live-4-Ever.’  Gonna live with my wife for the rest of my days on the ocean!”  BLAM!  BLAM!  BLAM!!

In 1968, he married Jane Fearer.  That is not a joke.  Mr. Safer married Ms. Fearer.  If she hyphenated her name, she’s be Jane Safer-Fearer.  Come on, this is GOLD!

Safer was born in Canada and he maintained a dual Canadian/American citizenship.  He thought it was safer that way.

After his burning-village report,LBJ was certain that Safer was a communist, saying that he “shat on the American Flag.”  (No one ever accused LBJ of having a silver tongue.)  So Johnson ordered a security check; upon being told that Safer “wasn’t a communist, just a Canadian”, he responded: “Well, I knew he wasn’t an American.”

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!This hit puts them at 80 points, in a tie for 4th place!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 90 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10, Julius La Rosa – 20)

Team Sushi: 80 (Chyna, aka Joanie Laurer – 60, Morley Safer – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 80 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10, Doris Roberts – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)