Tapped Out

Professional hayseed, Gordie Tapp, died at the spry age of 94

Tapp was a country “music” singer and story teller who was featured on Hee-Haw.

His hits included “Nobody’s Singing Them Cowboy Songs No More” and “Many Others.”

No, he actually had a song called “Many Others.”

Tapp studied at the Lorne Greene Academy of Radio Arts.  That’s a thing?

Tapp later emceed the CBC television show Country Hoedown (as opposed to the city hoedown which is a pimp shooting one of his employees).

He went on to perform and write for the CBS television show “Hee Haw.”  For those unfamiliar with the specific type of hell that is “Hee Haw,” it was variety show featuring country “music” and “humor.”  It aired from 1969–1971 and ran in syndication for 21

An image of Tapp watching “Hee Haw” for the 1st time.

years.  It was like “Laugh-In” for hicks.

“Hee Haw” is everything that is wrong with everything.  “Hee Haw” is to entertainment what Lucifer is to God.

On the show, Tapp played Cousin Clem (that name alone should tell you how awful it is), Samuel B. Sternwheeler, Mr. Gordon the storekeeper, and Lavern Nagger, the forever put-upon husband of Ida Lee Nagger (Roni Stoneman).  All of these characters are atrocious.

Really, you should YouTube some of this shit just to see how truly appalling it is.  I really cannot express in words the utter terribleness that is “Hee Haw.”

The show was a precursor to the redneck “humor” that people like Larry the Cable Guy still spout out today.  The “Ain’t-it-funny-how-ignorant-we-are” type of humor is just grating on the human soul.

Tapp was inducted into the Canadian Country Music Hall of Fame in 1990.  That’s a thing?

This hot goes to: Josh!  God bless him for picking a bunch of “Hee Haw” hicks!  He is now tied with Jami for 3rd place!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 60 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Josh: 40 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10)

Jami: 40 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 30 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Over Dunn

The country singer who wanted you to know that date-rape was OK by her, Holly Dunn died at the spry age of 59.

In 1991, Holly came out with the song “Maybe I Mean Yes.”

The lyrics of this piece of tripe include: “Nothin’s worth havin’ if it ain’t a little hard to get /So let me clarify so you won’t have to try to guess / When I say no I mean maybe, or maybe I mean yes / Ever since woman has talked to man, Every man’s been tryin’ / to understand. What’s the harm in a little mystery?”

Well, the harm in a little mystery is date rape.  I would think that’s pretty obvious.

Hand-shelf.

Because sometimes, she’s going to say no and mean it.  Even she admits that “maybe” she means yes.  So you can’t take her word for it.  Just bang away.  Doesn’t matter what she says because you clearly can’t trust her judgement in this.

She also had a hit single with “Daddy’s Hands.”  A song, that I presume involves her showing the prosecutor where on the doll Daddy put his hands.

I do not have to tell you how awful these songs are because you already know: it’s country “music.”

That and the advocating of date rape.  I mean, what was wrong with her?

This hit goes to: Wes!  The rookie comes strong out of the gates with his 1st hit garnering him 50 points!

Just when we thought that Gianna had this thing all locked up!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 50 – (Holly Dunn – 50)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

He left a Haggard Corpse

Country singer, yokel, rube, clodhopper and hayseed, Merle Haggard died at the spry age of 79.

Haggard helped create the Bakersfield sound, which is characterized by the unique twang of Fender Telecaster.  Yes: the twang.  The musical equivalent to sneakers screaching on a basketball court.

By the 1970s, Haggard was aligned with the growing “outlaw country” movement… I am guessing that to be an outlaw in the country world you need to be able to read above a third grade level and practice proper dental hygiene.

In 1994, he was inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame, also known as the worst place in the world.  I can just picture it now… The screen door rusting off it’s filthy hinges, mangy dogs staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die.

He was also very innovative in the filed of hair-helmets.

Haggard’s parents, Flossie Mae Harp and James Francis Haggard, moved to California from their home in Checotah, Oklahoma during the Great Depression after their barn burned in 1934.  If you are like me, the main thing that you took away was that Merel’s mother was named “Flossie Mae Harp.”  If ever there was a horse name, it’s Flossie Mae Harp.

No, seriously.  “And they’re coming down the stretch, it’s Boozy Boy, followed by Foul Brown Wind and then there’s My Anaconda Don’t Want None followed by College Kegger with North Eastern Time Zone and bringing up the rear is Flossie Mae Harp!”

Married and plagued by financial issues, he was arrested after he tried to rob a roadhouse.  He was sent to jail, tried to escape and ended up in a San Quentin.  While in prison, Haggard discovered that his wife was expecting a child from another man. He was fired from a series of prison jobs and eventually started to run a gambling and brewing racket with his cellmate.

It is no wonder he went into country music.  He’s a fucking walking-talking goddamned country song himself.

He had a bunch of hits… but they were all country songs, so there’s no need to discuss them further.

This hit goes to: Dawn!  She works her way up to a tie with Harmony in 5th place!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 70 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10)

Joanne: 70 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 60 (William Guest – 30, Merle Haggard – 30)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

She’s a Super Feek

Country “singer” (read: killer of all things musical), Joey Feek died at the spry age of 40.

Named after a baby kangaroo, Feek was half of the country duo Joey + Rory (obviously a wink to Baz Luhrman’s “Romeo + Juliet”).    She sang lead vocals, he wore overalls.

Seriously.

The man wants to be taken seriously while wearing Osh Kosh B’gosh.  

Fuckin’ country music…

The husband and wife duo made it big after winning “Can You Duet” on CMT.  Think “American Idol,” which is awful enough, but for hayseeds.  In other words: if I go to hell, it will be me watching this show forever.  And basketball.  A loop of “Can You Duet” and March Madness.  Holy shitsnacks, I gotta stop sinning so much.

Oh, wait.  They didn’t win.  They came in third.  They were that shitty.  They couldn’t even

Overalls.

be the best of the worst.

The duo’s debut album, “The Life of a Song,” was released on October 28, 2008 on Sugar Hill Records, the label that said “a hip hop, the hippie to the hippie the hip hip a hop, and you don’t stop.”

They followed that up with “Album Number Two” because, you know, they’re cheeky.

In 2014, Joey was diagnosed with cervical cancer (because God is a music fan) and it soon spread all over like so much nutella.  

Her husband kept a blog of their experiences which will soon be turned into a Lifetime movie.  It will be the inspirational kind, not the victim genre.  More “Christmas Shoes” and less “Burning Bed.”

In a blog post Friday announcing her death, Rory Feek wrote, “My wife’s greatest dream came true today. She is in Heaven.”  Sure, as far as he knows.  He’s assuming that God is not a music fan.  (See above.)

This hit puts Joanne on the board in a BIG way!  she has 60 points and is poised to jump in front of me!  And she’s a mere 40 points behind the leader!

Nancy Reagan, somehow, still continues to live.  

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 80- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10)

Joanne: 60 (Joey Feek – 60)

The Girl on Fire: 60 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Harmony: 30 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10)

Mortician’s Daughter: 30 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

What the Dickens…?

The world is a little bit brighter because it has one less country “musician” in the world.  The hayseed in question was Little Jimmy Dickens who died at the spry age of 94.

Man, I thought it was rough growing up with the word “feel” in the middle of my name.  Imagine having the words “little” and “dick.”

I guess this situation caused a rage that drew him into the dark evil that is Country “Music.”  Now, in case I have been vague about my feelings on country music: Country is to music what Fox is to news.  Not clear enough?  OK.  How about this: I would rather listen to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Phantom of the Opera” than Country.  Country music makes me want to go to the hardware store, buy two new, shiny awls, and shove them into my ears and, once I hit brain, wiggle them all around.

“Little” Jimmy Dickens had a habit of making Tim Gunn “concerned.”

Case in point: Little Jimmy Dickens.  Jimmy made his way out of hog-calling with hits like “I’m Little but I’m Loud” and “May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose.”  UP YOUR FEAKIN’ NOSE!

He followed that up with “Stinky Pass That Hat Around” and then “Hey Worm (You Wanna Wiggle).”  It’s like Bob Dylan puked and that puke wrote these songs.

He was the last member of the Grand Ole Opry that was older than the show itself.  Which makes me posit: you need to be a member of the Grand Ole Opry?  Is this the clodhopper version of the Masons?  Is there an initiation rite that include stump-broke cows and picking out which goat is the cutest?

Well, this hit goes to: The Rookie!  Yes, Cindy, the Mortician’s Daughter (no, that’s not another Little Jimmy song title) is on the board with her very first hit!  The first hit is the best.  Cindy will always remember this slack-jawed hick as her first hit.  (Mine was Dick Nixon back in 1994.)

So congrats to Cindy!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 70 – (Diem Brown)

Anne: 30 – (Joe Cocker – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 20 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10)

Tailgating with Jesus: 20 – (Jean Béliveau – 20)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)

Mostly Mike: 10 – (Ralph H Baer – 10)

The Price of Death

The world is a slightly better place: one less Texan.  Country “musician” Ray Price, died at the spry age of 87.

In the 50’s he revolutionized Country music by sliding a beer bottle along his guitar… or letting his three-legged hound dog howl on his record… or something.

In 1953, Price founded The Cherokee Boys, a band that got bullied until they were saved by a righteous Billy Jack ass-kickin’.  The Cherokee nation was happy to let him use their name and belittle their race because,

No, that’s not a ventriloquist’s dummy, that’s Ray Price!

you know, it was all in good fun.

He was on The Grand Ole Opry… or is it in the Grand Ole Opry?  Featured in or on the Gand Ole Opry?  Part of the Grand Ole Opry?  What exactly the hell is the Grand Ole Opry?  Isn’t it just a barn with a bunch of hay-seeds trying out for a spot on Hee-Haw?

Price had a string of hits that all sucked because of their unfortunate genre.  I think I’d rather listen to Bette Midler sing The Stones.

Anyway, he died… let’s say with his boots on.  So that JOANNE could get a hit!

Joann has done the impossible!  She has tied me for the lead at 30 points.  But don’t let it go to your head, Joanne.  Tomorrow I’ll get an epic hit that will leave you in the dust, crying like a little girl with a skinned knee.

Happy Pooling,
SPMI

Current Standings:

Joanne: 30 (Ace Parker – 0, Nelson Mandela – 10,  Ray Price – 20)

SPMI: 30 (Peter O’Toole – 20, Joan Fontaine – 10)

Gianna 20 (Tom Laughlin – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 10 (Eleanor Parker – 10)

Good to the Last Drop (© Maxwell House ) – 10 (Frederick Sanger – 10)

“Imaginary” Steve: 10 (Cardinal Domenico Bartolucci – 10)

Put Another Corpse on the Fire

The man who sang Shel Silverstein’s “Put Another Log on the Fire,” and guy that I have absolutely zero in common with, Tompall Glaser, died at the spy age of 79.

Born Thomas Paul, Glaser was just too damn lazy to say two names, so he went by “Tompall.”  He was then mystified as to why people kept calling him up to star in their productions of “Fiddler on the Roof.”

Tompall, shown here playing his big hit to his then wife, Candice Bergen.

 

Glaser was one of the founders of the ‘70s country music “outlaw” movement.   When he went to Nashville, he was unhappy with the studio system in place, so he and his brothers founded his own studio that eventually became known as, and I am not making this up: Hillbilly Central.

See, right there, I can’t stand when people revel in being backwards, ignorant hicks.  It’s like they’re just saying “look down upon me…. no, look lower.”

Hillbilly Central had a relaxed atmosphere, some say because it became a haven from the studios.  But the real reason: Willie Nelson.  He was there all the time.  And when you are anywhere within 15 feet of Willie Nelson, you automatically become stoned.  It is physically impossible to remain sober in his presence.  (visit your local library to read up on the Nelson Effect Contact High)

In 1975, Tompall released the album “Tompall (Sings the Songs of Shel Silverstein)” which featured his biggest hit “Put Another Log on the Fire” a song where a man orders his wife around with myriad of tasks and then asks why she is leaving him.

She was leaving him because he was a backwards hick who combined his first and middle names, not because he told her to “go out to the car and change the tyre.”

But seriously, that’s how they spelled “Tire.”

This hit goes to: (drumroll)…. Mike-n-Dawn!  (But mostly Mike)!  We have a leader!  These thirty points put them approximately thirty points ahead of Babysitter!

Now, I’m not ambitious enough to go back and look for the actual statistics, but I’m gonna say that 170 is a rookie record.  They just might break the 200-point mark!

Meanwhile, Babysitter is left to cry in his beer and ruminate on just how much he sucks.

Hey, two hayseed hits in a row!  Let’s keep up the good work!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Only 75 Days ‘till Draft night: gat crackin’!

Current Standings:

Dawn-n-Mike – 170 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10,Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30, Hugo Chavez – 50, Frank Thornton – 10 – George Jones – 20, Tompall Glaser – 30)

Babysitter – 140 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10, Margaret Thatcher – 20, Chi Cheng – 60, Pat Summerall – 20, Douglas Englebart – 20)

The New Dick in Town – 120 – (Jack Klugman – 10, Mindy McCready – 70, Jonathan Winters – 20, Jeanne Cooper – 20)

Joanne – 100 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20, C. Everett Koop – 10, Moon Mullen – 10, Virgil Trucks – 10, Dr. Joyce Brothers – 20, Eydie Gorme‏

– 20)

Gianna – 100 – (Lucille Bliss – 10, Bonnie Franklin – 40, E. L. Konigsburg – 20, Deanna Durbin – 10, Margaret Pellegrini – 20)

Team Sushi – 90 – (Conrad Bain – 20, Roger Ebert – 30, Deacon Jones – 30, Helen Thomas – 10)

Tailgating with Jesus – 70 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20, Jerry Buss – 20, Gus Triandos – 20)

“Imaginary” Steve – 60 (Al Neuharth – 20, Ken Venturi – 20, Art Donovan – 20)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 50 – (Patty Andrews – 10, Dick Trickle – 30, Jean Stapleton – 10)

Council of Geeks – 50 (Richard Griffiths – 40, Ray Harryhausen – 10)

Jami – 50 – (Larry Hagman – 20, Annette Funicello – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 50 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20, Milo O’Shea – 20)

Carol – 20 – (Stan Lynde – 20)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)

He Stopped Living Here Today

George Jones, Country singer with number one hits such as “He Stopped Loving Her Today,” and “She Thinks I still Care,” died at the spry age of 81.

Those rings: filled with cocaine.

Country music scholar Bill C. Malone wrote, “For the two or three minutes consumed by a song, Jones immerses himself so completely in its lyrics, and in the mood it conveys, that the listener can scarcely avoid becoming similarly involved.” 

To which we at Ghoul Pool Headquarters say “Country Music Scholar?”  We know what those words mean.  But not in that order.  Isn’t that what they call a contradiction in terms?

Jones loved the booze.  So much so, that when his wife hid his car keys from him, he drove his lawnmower to the liquor store.  He later said, “It might have taken an hour and a half or more for me to get to the liquor store, but get there I did.”  Which goes to show, that even Country singers can be heroes.  

In the 70s, his ever-so-wise manager decided that Jones’ addictive personality needed to be introduced to cocaine.  This put him on a bender that led to a stint in the Alabama psychiatric hospital.

To which we at Ghoul Pool Headquarters say, “AlabamaPsychiatric Hospital?”  Holy crap!  It’s bad enough to be in any psychiatric hospital… but in Alabama?  Again: Holy crap!

After the doctors purged his system of cocaine with the aid of leeches and the ingestion of Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup, the Alabama Doctors claimed that he now “possessed the cranium-shape of a clean and sober gent.” 

But Jones was still reliably unreliable to the point that they called him “No-Show Jones.”  He ended up so poor that he had to borrow money from Waylon Jennings and and Johnny Cash.

Man, it’s no wonder this guy was a country singer.  A three-legged dog and a screen door hanging on one hinge would be a major improvement in this guy’s life.

This hit goes to:  NO WAY!  We have a leader!  Dawn-n-Mike (but mostly Mike) Have broken the Babysitter Tie in the great battle of the rookies!

And it wasn’t that long ago that we (but mostly me) were making fun of them (but mostly Mike) for picking a guy who was 101 years old!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Dawn-n-Mike – 140 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10, Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30, Hugo Chavez – 50, Frank Thornton – 10 – George Jones – 20)

Babysitter – 120 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10, Margaret Thatcher – 20, Chi Cheng – 60, Pat Summerall – 20)

The New Dick in Town – 100 – (Jack Klugman – 10, Mindy McCready – 70, Jonathan Winters – 20)

Gianna – 70 – (Lucille Bliss – 10, Bonnie Franklin – 40, E. L. Konigsburg – 20)

Tailgating with Jesus – 70 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20, Jerry Buss – 20, Gus Triandos – 20)

Joanne – 60 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20, C. Everett Koop – 10, Moon Mullen – 10, Virgil Trucks – 10)

Jami – 50 – (Larry Hagman – 20, Annette Funicello – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 50 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20, Milo O’Shea – 20)

Team Sushi – 50 – (Conrad Bain – 20, Roger Ebert – 30)

Council of Geeks – 40 (Richard Griffiths – 40)

“Imaginary” Steve – 20 (Al Neuharth – 20)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 10 – (Patty Andrews – 10)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)

If shooting yourself on the front porch is good for the goose…

Country “Music” singer Mindy McCready killed herself on her front porch at the spry age of 37.

“I swear, I do NOT have prescription meds hiding in my bra. I’m not even wearing one!”

Her boyfriend (& father of her youngest child) was found in a similar condition in the same spot, last month.  He was unavailable for comment.

Daddy was a record producer who offed himself.  Mommy was a country singer who offed herself in the same manner one month later… Damn, that’s the meanest head-tip this side of naming your kid Blanket. 

Attempts on her own life were not new to McCready.  She attempted to kill herself at least four other times, making her the Susan Lucci of suicide.  And also making her a great pick… that Jami had been picking for years.

Then a New Dick came to town.

The New Dick in Town’s strategy of mining other people’s lists and not making any friends has paid off.

I’m noticing a trend here… last year, he won because of a fetus that his wife picked.  This year, he took the lead from a pick he stole from someone else…  Clearly The New Dick in Town is some kind of misogynistic Ghoul Pool Succubus!  Stealing picks from women to get ahead!

Beware women-folk!  Get out your torches & pitchforks, villagers!

Happy Pooling,
SPMI

Current Standings:

The New Dick in Town – 80 – (Jack Klugman – 10, Mindy McCready – 70)

Dawn-n-Mike – 60 (Oscar Niemeyer – 0, Norman Joseph Woodland – 10, Patti Page – 20, Reg Presley – 30)

The Girl on Fire – 30 – (Dear Abby – 10, Ed Koch – 20)

Joanne – 30 – (Freddy Schmidt – 10, Robert Bork – 20)

Tailgating with Jesus – 30 – (Marvin Miller – 10, Earl Weaver – 20)

Team Sushi – 20 – (Conrad Bain – 20)

Babysitter – 20 (Clive Dunn – 10, Ravi Shankar – 10)

Jami – 20 – (Larry Hagman – 20)

Sean P. McFeeley I – 10 – (Patty Andrews – 10)

Nikki the Bad-Ass – 10 – (Stan Musial – 10)

Gainna – 10 – (Lucille Bliss – 10)

“Sister” Mary Sheila – 10 (Lee MacPhail – 10)