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Category Archives: Sci-fi

The worst James Bond, Sir Roger Moore, died at the spry age of 89.

Moore did moore than just Bond.  he was in a shitload of things.  Few of them good.  

He did a TV show called “Ivanhoe” about gardening in Russia.  He was also in “The Alaskans” as Sneaker Palin, or was he Blanket Palin?… Tent Palin?  The show only lasted one season.  

He went on to do a season of “Maverick,” in a role that Sean Connery turned down.  He left because once Garner left, the show went to shit.  I have no reference point to tell if this is true.

From 1962 through 1969, Moore played Simon Templar in the show “The Saint.”  Now this was a decent show filled with cool capers and whatnot.  Lamentably, “The Saint” is not available for streaming, but it is available on DVD.  (For us old people who still have DVD players)

The international stardom that he got from “The Saint” propelled him to star along side Tony Curtis in the new show, “The Persuaders!”  The series, like soccer, was popular


Yeah, but everyone looks good in a tuxedo.

everywhere but the US.

Next, Moore was selected to take over for Sean Connery (the best Bond) in the James Bond series.

He brought a certain shitty wit to his Bond.  He had many one-liners that ran concurrent to the character created by Ian Fleming.  But, much in the same way that disco was popular, people ate that shit up.

He made 7 bond movies over 12 years, making him the longest Bond.  (Not longest in the penis sense because George Lazenby is hung like a horse.)

He started out OK with “Live and Let Die.”  Moved on to “The Man with the Golden Gun,” and “The Spy Who Loved Me.”  But then he did “Moonraker.”

Moonraker was inexcusable.

In 2004, Moore was voted ‘Best Bond’ in an Academy Awards poll.  The next year, they selected “Million Dollar Baby” as Best Picture.  So, picking the crappiest in the lot to win is what they often do.  (“Crash?”, “The Greatest Show on Earth?”, “Birdman?”)

Moore was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II in 2003 for “services to charity”.   Mostly for his work with UNICEF, a charity that teaches poor children in the 3rd world how to ride a unicycle.

No, not everyone believes that He was the worst Bond.  Some of us are wrong.  And one of those wrong people is Sir Jason Carifa, who requested some input on the passing of Sir Moore.  Seeing that his Bond knowledge is vastly superior to mine (with the exception of Moore being any good), I thought it best to include his input:

His first James Bond movie “Live and Let Die” was fantastic – My personal favorite. The following movies “The Man with the Golden Gun,” and “The Spy Who Loved Me,” were great.  

Moore Space

A gun?  In space?!??! Fucking NRA…

Then the Star Wars era came upon us and instead of making “For Your Eyes Only” they decided to make “Moonraker”.  Ok, so we put monkeys and people in space but for God sakes please don’t ever put James Bond is space with laser beams again.  The movie was actually decent up until they launched Moonraker 1.

Roger took a break from 007 and decided to prove to the audiences that cannonballs can run in the 1981 memorable epic summer blockbuster “The Cannonball Run” starring my pal Burt Reynolds.

In 1983 worlds collided. The greatest movie blockbusters of the year. TWO James Bond movies by TWO different actors: Roger Moore’s “Octopussy” and the immortal Sean Connery’s (He’s immortal because he drank from the cup in Indian Jones and the last crusade) “Never Say Never Again! “

Moore did his final James Bond movie at the age of 58 was “A View to a kill” . This was another personal favorite of mine. Excellent music, excellent villain. So, Daniel Craig, there is no reason to give up on the James Bond franchise you can make it 60.

Life after James Bond was quiet he had small roles in “Spice Girls” and “Boat Trip.”

Ok I admit I saw those films.

Roger Moore Trivia:

– When rehearsing for James Bond movies he would constantly blink his eyes when shooting the gun. He was not a fan of weapons. Let’s be honest you’re not shooting a 44 Magnum like Dirty Harry. You have handgun that can fit into a purse.

-He was ready to retire after “For your eyes only” so James Brolin actually did a screen test as James Bond in Octopussy.

-He was supposed to present the Oscar for best actor to Marlon Brando for The Godfather but someone by the name of “Martinsheen Littlefarter” or some shit like that came up, and we all know how that went.

-He never ordered or drank a martini in any of the James Bond movies.

-While filming “Live and Let die” Roger Moore and Jane Seymour had dysentery in Jamaica. Well that’s a shitty story……

This hit goes to: Team Sushi!  Their two his are Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and Roger Moore.  Will they continue to cut a swath through 80s mediocrity?

Happy pooling,


Current Standings:

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Josh: 120 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 60 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 60 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20)

Team Sushi: 50 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Joanne: 10 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10)

Doc Hayward from “Twin Peaks,” Warren Frost died at the spry age of 91.

He was found naked and wrapped in plastic along the river in his small, Northern town.  

The FBI found that a small typed letter “R” was shoved under his fingernail.  While we are not sure what this means, I’m sure all will be explained fairly soon.

You know… eventually.

The FBI sent a special agent in to investigate the death.  After filling up on a damn fine cup of coffee the FBI man is expected to spend the next two years analysing the minute details of the town, answering next to zero questions, before becoming possessed by a killer himself.

Not the best ending in the world.  But that’s how the FBI works.

Frost served in the Navy at Normandy.  No word on whether he stormed the beach himself


Frost in a photo that seems oddly prophetic. 

or stayed behind on the boat.  But it doesn’t matter.  You know why:  Frost served in the fucking Navy at fucking Normandy.  Respect, bitch!

Frost was also in a few episodes of Seinfeld.  He was the father of George’s fiancee Susan Ross.  (Dear God, what an awful storyline that was.)

His character had an affair with the author John Cheever; his house was burned down by Kramer’s Cuban cigar; and his daughter was poisoned to death from licking glue from cheap wedding-invitation envelopes.

He was in five episodes.

This hit goes to: Jami!  Jami is now tied for 1st with newbie Josh!

Happy pooling,


Current Standings:

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Josh: 100 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60)

Wes: 90 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, Devid Penrose Buckson – 10)

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 50 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20 )

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 40 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Team Sushi: 30 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Voice actor and Mon Calamari, Erik Bauersfeld died at the spry age of 93.

Bauersfeld will always be remembered for three words that he spoke in “Return of the Jedi,” as Admiral Ackbar:  It’s a trap!


Obviously a Thalidomide baby, Bauersfeld fish-like deformities were always a source of pain in his life.


He said about creating the voice of Ackbar, “I went over, he showed me the picture of Admiral Ackbar, and I did it,” Bauersfeld said. “I saw the face, and I knew what he must sound like.” The whole Ackbar role took him less than an hour to record.  He added, “It’s a snap!”

When he completed work on the film, he stayed in character and yelled “It’s a wrap!”

Bauersfeld  was quite the foodie and he was very picky about what he ate and got very angry if you didn’t know what you were talking about.  In a 2001 interview, he told the story of his trip to a diner where the waitress served his drink saying, “Here’s your milkshake.”  He angrily snapped back at her, “It’s a Frappe!”

In 1985, he helped out the Goonies when they didn’t know what they had.  He told them, “It’s a map!”

The initial autopsy report says that Bauersfeld died from a venereal disease.  The report simply states: “It’s the clap!”

In his earlier years, Bauersfeld  was arrested and tried for assault and battery.  He testified on his own behalf which turned out to be a mistake.  When the prosecution asked him


Early experiments to make his character more English ended up on the cutting-room floor.

about knocking his victim out with a baton, Bauersfeld corrected him, “It’s a sap!”

When asked about the Star Wars prequels, he said “It’s just crap!”

When asked what kind of smear his wife was getting, he said, “It’s a pap!”

I can do this all day…

This hit goes to: Jami!  When she looked at the 70 point space between her and second place, she said, “It’s a gap!”

Happy pooling,


Current Standings:

Jami: 170 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60, Erik Bauersfeld – 10)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 70 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10, James Noble – 10)

Joanne: 70 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

Star Wars superfan Daniel Fleetwood died at the spry age of 31.  Apparently, cancer shoots first.

Fleetwood had been diagnosed with spindle cell sarcoma, which derives from the Greek “Sarus,” which means “it sucks to be you,” and the Latin “Comus,” which means “because you’re basically fucked.”

The doctor had a bad feeling about this and gave him mere months to live.

At first, Fleetwood argued with the doctor, saying “You said the cancer would leave under strict supervision!”

His doctor tersely replied “I am altering the diagnosis.  Pray I don’t alter it any further!”

In frustration, Fleetwood stormed out saying “This cancer is getting worse all the time!”

Fleetwood’s chances of seeing the new Star Wars Movie was 725 to 1.

But you never tell him the odds.

He and his wife started an online campaign to let him see the new Star Wars movie before he died.  This was picked up by Mark “I-can’t-even-get-a-shot-in-the-trailer” Hamill and John “You’re-damn-right-there-are-black-stormtroopers-you-ignorant-son-of-a-bitch” Boyega.

After that, it went viral faster than you can bullseye a womp-rat in a T-16.  Because people love two things in this world: Star

At least his wife can finally throw this outfit away.

At least his wife can finally throw this outfit away.

Wars Nerds and dying people.

Darth-  I mean: Disney, (the evil empire) decided that it might do some good (for the cameras) and let him watch the movie.  So, they said that they’d try to make it happen, to which a rousing public cried out “Do, or do not!  There is no motherfuckin’ try!”

So on Thursday, JJ Abrams let Daniel get is dying wish and he saw an unfinished version of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.”

Before that, Fleetwood looked strong enough to pull the ears of of a gundark.  But he quickly started circling the sarlacc pit.  The bacta tank did very little for him and his 2-1B surgical droid could not replace his whole body.  “He’d be more machine than man,” the droid argued.

Abrams Did this before.  A Star Trek fan with cancer got to see Star Trek Into Darkness before it was released. That man died days after seeing the film.  So, JJ Abrams is just going around and killing people with his movies.  Who does he think he is?  Michael Bay?

In the less than 12 parsecs since his viewing, Fleetwood was able to write a scathing review of the film.  “This piece of claptrap is not only an insult to Star Wars, it is an insult to Jar-Jar Binks!  That’s how terrible it is!  I mean, really?  The Ewoks get credit for killing the emperor and rule the galaxy?  You put truck nuts on an imperial star destroyer?  Luke does a dance routine in a jazz club to make his girlfriend jealous?  I will be sure to put in multiple requests in the afterlife to make sure that JJ rots in hell for all eternity where he will be forced to watch Ewe Boll movies until the end of days!  I am now ready to die as a miserable shell of a man that I was mere days ago!  Thank you for destroying what was left of my soul!”

It is reported that his very last words were “There is…. another…. Skywalker…”

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

This hit goes to: ME!  I come out of the gates running with 70 points mere days after the draft!  While I do not revel in the death of a fellow Star Wars nerd like I would a country music singer, or a New York Yankee, I am pleased as punch to be in the lead!  Can I get a “Yub-Nub?”

That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!

This reminds me of when I was a sprinter in high school.  I lost every single race (don’t feel bad or anything, I didn’t care then and I don’t care now).  And my very last race, I had a false start, about 2 seconds ahead of everyone else.  That moment felt awesome, being in the lead, everyone struggling behind me, hair gracefully flowing in the wind (I can only assume)… Off in the distance, I could see my track coach shaking his head, telling the official not to call the false start because it wouldn’t make a difference.  

I came in last.

So, the big question is: how quickly will I lose my lead?  Till then: LEE KWANG-SOO!!!!  LEE KWANG-SOO!!!!  LEE KWANG-SOO!!!!  LEE KWANG-SOO!!!!  LEE KWANG-SOO!!!!

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.   Strong with the dark side she is.

Happy pooling,


Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 70- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70)