Dead Dutch

Former all-star catcher for the Philadelphia Phillies, Darren Daulton, died at the spry age of 55.

Daulton had battled brain cancer since 2013. He had two tumors removed in 2013, but was diagnosed with glioblastoma, an aggressive form of brain cancer that also killed his former teammate Tug McGraw and former coach John Vukovich.  

So…. contagious?  Are we looking at some kind of Outbreak situation?  Are we all gonna die from brain cancer because we are only separated by six degrees?

The long-haired Daulton, nicknamed “Dutch,” was beloved by Phillies fans and respected by teammates despite his insistence that everyone split the check.

After retiring from baseball, his life took a turn.

He was arrested for a DUI, then his license was suspended the next time for refusing to take the breathalyzer test.  He was also arrested for battery against his wife.

Daulton was alway business in the front and party in the back.

He divorced and married professional golfer Amanda Dick because, “I always wanted a wife with a dirty name.”

But that’s not all: he also wrote a book about numerology and the occult!  If They Only Knew by Darren Daulton is available on Amazon for $16.50 on paperback or $4.99 for your Kindle.

“Daulton delves into issues of ascension, such as dimensions and levels of consciousness, the Mayan Calendar and December 21, 2012, creating one’s own reality and a lot more.”

What the fuck, dude?  Just catch the damned ball and throw it back to the pitcher.  Don’t tell me about picking the next pitch by utilizing the hidden powers of the fibonacci sequence.  

Plus, why didn’t you just create your own reality where you didn’t have brain cancer?

This hit goes to: ME!  Yes!  I take the lead in the Ghoul Pool!  Lee Kwang Soo!  Lee Kwang Soo!  Lee Kwang Soo!

Of course, this means that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will soon be proven to be alive to take the lead away.  But for now: the most reliable sources are still saying he’s dead.  And he hasn’t picked up his Subway order form eight months ago, so….

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang Soo!: – 170 (Alice Drummond – 20, Dr. Henry Heimlich – 10, Hashemi Rafsanjani – 20, Lola Albright – 10, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi – 60, Darren Daulton – 50)

Josh: 140 – (Florence Henderson – 20, Grant Tinker – 10, Gordie Tapp – 10, Terry Edwards – 60, Chuck Barris – 20)

Wes: 140 – (Holly Dunn – 50, John Glenn – 10, Debbie Reynolds – 20, David Penrose Buckson – 10, Erin Moran – 50)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka – 30, Roger Moore – 20, Manuel Noriega – 20, Martin Landau – 20, Ara Parseghian – 10)

Jami: 100 – (Fidel Castro – 10, Bernard Frost – 20, Zsa Zsa Gabor – 10, George Michael – 50)

Morrigan’s Mirror: 70 – (William Christopher – 20, Mary Tyler Moore – 20, Moulton “Pete” Marston – 20, Michael Bond – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 70 – (Ralph Branca – 10, Craig Sager – 40, Sam Ard – 30)

M: 30 – (George Romero – 30)

Joanne: 30 – (Judge Joseph Wapner – 10, Helmut Kohl – 20)

M: 30 – (Sir John Hurt – 30)

Jodi & Husband: – 20 (Bill Dana – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

The Mumblers: 10 – (Don Rickles – 10)

Nathaniel: 10 – (Peter Sallis – 10)

Mary: 10 – (Chuck Berry – 10)

Babysitter: 10 – (June Foray – 10)

The Death Heard ‘Round the World

Ralph Branca, the man who gave up the most famous homerun in baseball history, died at the spry age of 90.

It was called “The Shot Heard ‘Round the World.”  It was the start of the Revolution.  The Minutemen were ready, on the move.  “Take your powder, and take your gun.  Report to General Washington. Hurry men, there’s not an hour to-”  Wait, wait , wait… that don’t seem right…

OK, so there were two shots heard ‘round the world (three if you count Krakatoa).  This one was where the Giants won the pennant.  It was immortalized by the announcer’s call of “The Giants win the pennant!”  A little on the nose, if you ask me.

Bobby Thomson’s dramatic three-run homer came in the ninth inning of the decisive

Though the next few years were rough, General Washington’s men proved they were tough.

third game of a three-game playoff for the pennant in which the Giants trailed, 4-2.  The game—the first ever televised nationally—was seen by millions of viewers across America and heard on radio by millions more, including thousands of American servicemen stationed in Korea.

 

Branca was devastated by the home run.  It was a pain that he would live with it for the rest of his life.

In the car after the game, Ralph asked “Why me?” and his minister told him “The reason God picked you to throw that pitch was because He knew that your faith was strong enough to withstand the agonies that would follow…  Ah, I’m just fuckin’ witchya!  It’s because you masrutbated so much when you were a kid!”

Branca handled his infamy with uncommon valor and later actually formed a bond with Thomson, with whom he did book promotions, public speaking and card show appearances for many years.

It is also worthy to note that in 1947, Branca he made a point to stand next to Jackie Robinson, who had received numerous death threats for being the first African-American to break baseball’s color line. For years afterward, Robinson always cited Branca as one of his biggest champions.  So: stand-up guy.

Plus, if Hollywood has taught me anything, black people would be nowhere if it weren’t for those brave white people.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  Bean gets on the board with an astonishing 10 points!Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Wes: 50 – (Holly Dunn – 50)

Josh: 20 – (Florence Henderson – 20)

Gianna: 20 – (Leonard Cohen – 20)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 10 – (Ralph Branca – 10)

Say it Ain’t So, Joe.

Broadcaster and former baseball star… well, not really a star… former baseball player [yes, we’ll go with that], Joe Garagiola died at the spry age of 90.

Garagiola grew up with Yogi Berra who lived, literally, across the street from him.  They both made it to the major leagues in baseball.  Joe didn’t do as well as Yogi.

In nine years Joe played for four teams, hit 42 career home runs (an average of just under five a year) with 255 RBIs and had a .257 batting average.  So, he was an OK player.  He didn’t really suck, but he wasn’t really good.  He was just there.

Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t post those numbers.  But if we want to make a comparison, let’s see how Joe does in creating macros in Excel.  Or better yet, who can watch more movies?  [Frankly, I’m down with that competition against anyone.  The gauntlet has been thrown.]

Garagiola turned to broadcasting following his retirement as a player, first calling Cardinals radio broadcasts on KMOX, which is officially the coolest call sign of any TV station.  K-mox!

He then went to work for NBC where he called a bunch of games, blah, blah, blah… but he also filled in for Johnny Carson as a guest host a few times on “The Tonight Show.”  Imagine how disappointing it must have been to finally go to see Johnny Carson film his show live only to have your day, or more accurately, your life ruined when they announced that Joe frickin’ Garagiola is filling in for Carson.  It’s almost as bad as having Joan Rivers.

He also hosted a handful of game shows because… have you seen the guy? He’s more of a

Garagiola did a Bane impression before it was cool.

game show host than Joe Biden.

In a case of bald-guys-sticking-together, in 1976 Garagiola supported Gerald Ford in the presidential election.  He actually did some commercials that are famous for hurting Ford’s campaign:

I planned to embed an example of a commercial right here.  Unfortunately, Youtube failed me.

Garagiola was the keynote luncheon speaker at the 2007 convention of the Society for American Baseball Research.  I mention this because…

Stop!  Tangent Time: There’s a fucking Society for American Baseball Research?!?!  What the fuck is that for?  With all the time TV spends going over every aspect of every damn sport (except soccer and cricket), I think we have enough goddamn research done into baseball on a daily fucking basis.  This is a membership organization dedicated to fostering the research and dissemination of the history and record of baseball (thank you, Wikipedia).  Do we really need this shit?  Has the winner of the 1956 World Series been questioned or something?   [It was those assholes, the Yankees by the way.]  Isn’t there something in this world that you can spend your money, time and energy researching that is more important than baseball records?  Like, I don’t know… Cancer?  AIDS?  Sheltering the homeless?  Beating Donald Trump?  I get having a hobby.  I get enjoying going through baseball stats.  But do we need an association for fostering and disseminating baseball stats?  Isn’t that done on ESPN like, Every.  Single.  Fucking.  Day?

He also hosted coverage of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show on USA Network from 1994-2002.  So?  He liked dogs.

This hit goes to: Joanne!  She pulls ahead of Harmony with her second hit and now has 70 points!

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 160 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20, Umberto Eco – 20, Rob Ford – 60)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 100 – (Daniel Fleetwood – 70, Abe Vigoda – 10, Nancy Fucking Reagan! – 10!, George Martin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 100 – (Natalie Cole – 40, Vanity – 50, Boutros Boutros-Ghali – 10)

Joanne: 70 (Joey Feek – 60, Joe Garagiola – 10)

Harmony: 60 (Harper Lee – 20, George Kennedy – 10, Frank Sinatra, Jr. – 30)

The Girl on Fire: 60 (Wayne Rogers – 20, René Angélil – 30, George Gaynes – 10)

Mortician’s Daughter: 50 – (Justice Antonin Scalia – 30, Bud Collins)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Mostly Mike: 20 (Marvin Minsky – 20)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

The Full Monte

Baseball Hall-of-Famer Monte Irvin died at the spry age of 96.

Irvin was the oldest living African American to have played in the major leagues. He also was the oldest living member of a World Series-winning team, the oldest man who played for the New York Giants in the 1954 World Series.  He was old.

Hell, he was older than Nancy Reagan!  And Betty White!  Combin- No, not combined.  That would be ridiculous.

Irvin played for the New York Giants when Willie Mays joined the the team in 1951.  Irvin was then asked to mentor Mays.  Imagine that?  Being asked to mentor the Say Hey Kid.  Did they also expect him to give singing lessons to Ella Fitzgerald?  Film-making advice to Alfred Hitchcock?  Spiritual advice to Jesus?  

While living in Orange, NJ, Irvin played baseball for the Orange Triangles, a local semiprofessional team, who really could not think of one single decent name for a New Jersey baseball team.  Today, the team is known as The Toxic Avengers.

Irvin went on to play in the Negro leagues because this was a time when there was racism (not like now).  The idea was that black people were below the human race (here “Human

Sell-out.

Race” reads as “ingnerent white folk”) and therefore could not mingle with the human race.

In 1949, the Giants paid $5,000 for his contract, making him one of the first black players to be signed, as Jackie Robinson had effectively ended racism when  he broke the MLB color line in 1947.  [Oh, Racism didn’t stop then?  OK.]

Then in 1951 Irvin ended racism when he teamed with Hank Thompson and Willie Mays to form the first all-black outfield in the majors.  […still no?  OK.]

In 1968, he was named an MLB public relations specialist for the commissioner’s office.  The appointment made him the first black executive in professional baseball, ending racism once and for all.  [Right?  Wrong?   OK…]

In 1974, Kuhn was present in Cincinnati to witness the end of racism when Hank Aaron tied Babe Ruth’s record of 714 career home runs.  The black man had worked so hard under terrible conditions but now, with a black man tying the Sultan of Swat on home runs, it was made clear that we are all equal.  […Still no?  What the fuck is wrong with people?]

Just what the hell is it gonna take to end racism?

I know… once we get a black President, racism will simply vanish.  Sweet!

Obviously, this hit went to Tailgating with Jesus.  Bean strives to find obscure sports types to give him little, tiny hits.  But it should be noted that he is one little, tiny hit from tying your illustrious Ghoul Pool Administrator.

Nancy Reagan, somehow, still continues to live.  (Well, compared to this guy, she’s a Spring chicken.. maybe Summer?  No: an Autumn chicken.)

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 80 – (Scott Weiland  – 60, Pat Harrington, Jr. – 20)

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 70- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 50 (Dolph Schayes – 20, Meadowlark Lemon – 20, Monte Irvin – 10)

Occupy the Casket: 40 – (Natalie Cole – 40)

Age of Aquarius: 30 (William Guest – 30)

Gianna: 20 (Robert Stigwood – 20)

The Girl on Fire: 20 (Wayne Rogers – 20)

A Little Dolph’ll Do Ya.

Dolph Schayes (no relation to Dolph Lundgren) died at the spry age of 87.

Dolph played basketball for… Syracuse?  They had a team?… from 1948 – 1964.

Being a player in the 40s, he preferred being called “Dolph” as opposed to his actual name: Adolph.  No one is really sure why…

His parents were Jewish immigrants (hence, the name Adolph) and raised him in the Bronx.  But, this was before the Bronx was The Bronx.  This was when it was, basically, a suburb for the middle-class.  So, forget your images of little Dolphie with a pack of smokes rolled up in the arm of his tee-shirt, jacking a LaSalle’s hubcaps.  (Hey, they didn’t have meth back then.)

Early in Schayes’ career, he broke his right arm and played almost an entire season in a cast.  Which begs the question: What kind of crazy motherfucker you gotta be to play such an awful game with such a serious injury?

Turns out that this helped his career in a big way: with his shooting arm broken, Dolph learned to shoot with his non-shooting arm.  This created

No, really, this is an action sot.

an ambidextrousness that would be hard for a defensive player to cover.  

Dolph has a bunch of impressive-sounding statistics that are such a pain in the ass because it’s basketball and who really cares?

Dolph was extremely successful until integration came along, which was the death-knell for white, jewish athletes everywhere.

He went on to coach and stuff before ending up back at that hell-hole known as Syracuse where he ended up a real estate developer.  There’s a happy ending.

This hit goes to: Tailgating with Jesus!  (well, duh.)  This is only the third hit of the year.  It is also the smallest (something that Bean is used to).

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.  

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Lee Kwang-Soo (Giraffe): 70- (Daniel Fleetwood – 70)

Jami: 60 – (Scott Weiland  -60)

Tailgating w/ Jesus: 20 (Dolph Schayes – 20)

It’s Over

or “Boo-Boo’s Lament”

It is over for the man who said that “It ain’t over ‘till it’s over.”  Yogi Berra died of natural causes at his home in New Jersey (can you think of anything more depressing?) at the spry age of 90.

Berra was the manager of the much hated (and rightfully so) New York Yankees.  He famously went into the stands during games to steal pic-a-nic baskets from people in the crowd.

Despite being aligned with so much Bronx-based evil, Yogi was (almost) universally loved, especially for his quirky little “Yogi-isims.”  Such as:

• “It’s like deja vu all over again.”
• “Half the lies that the tell about me aren’t true.”
• “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
• “The future ain’t what it used to be.”
• “We made too many wrong mistakes.”
• “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”
• “You can observe a lot just by watching.”
• “You should always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
• “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
• “Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”

Yogi also managed the Mets… but not enough to cleanse him of being a Yankee.

And did I mention: he was easy on the eyes. So dreamy….

His former sidekick, Boo-Boo issued a statement:  “I’m glad that that Art-Carney-wanna-be bastard’s finally dead!  I wouldn’t have a criminal record if it weren’t for that asshole.  As a young, impressionable bear, I was lured in with the promise of free sandwiches and picnic baskets.  But every time, the park ranger would bust our asses and send me to juvie for another three months.  Do you know what they do to bears wearing bow-ties in juvie?”

This hit goes to: Nikki!  The one person in Vermont who is an actual Yankees fan (told you that Vermont was awesome).  Don’t worry, Nikki, none of us are perfect.

This gives her another 10 points, but keeps her in the same spot in the rankings.  Probably because of the Yankee-fan karma.

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

PS: Draft night is just 47 days away!

Current Standings:

The Girl on Fire: 180 – (Mario Cuomo – 20, Richard Dysart – 20, Anne Meara – 20, Denise McCluggage – 20, Bobbi Christina Brown – 80, Frank Gifford – 20)

Occupy the Casket: 150 – (Sir Terry Pratchett – 66, Lauren Hill – 90)

Jami: 140 – (Diem Brown – 70, Sam Simon – 50, Dick Van Patten – 20)

Tailgating with Jesus: 130 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20, Minnie Minoso -10, Al Rosen – 10, Chuck Bednarik – 20, Louise Suggs – 10)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 120 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20, Roberto Tucci – 10, Giovanni Canestri – 10, Giacomo Biffi “the Vampire Slayer” – 20, William W. Baum – 20, László Paskai – 20)

Gianna: 110 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70, Vincent Bugliosi – 10, Dean Jones – 20)

Team Sushi: 100 – (Marion Barry – 30, Omar Sharif – 20, Dave Benton – 50)

Nikki: 90 – (Stuart Scott – 60, BB King – 20, Yogi Berra – 10)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 70 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20, Alex Rocco – 30, Milton Delugg – 10)

Anne: 70 – (Lesley Gore – 40, Joe Cocker – 30)

Nora the Explorer: 50 – (James Best – 20, Ben E. King – 30)

Babysitter: 50 – (Leonard Nimoy – 20, Gary Gahl – 30)

Mostly Mike: 40 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10, Dickie Moore – 20)

Anne: 30 – (oops, I forgot who Anne had – 30)

Nathaniel: – 10 – (Christopher Lee – 10)

Erika: 10 – (Jayne Meadows – 10)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)

Al Rosen, by any other name would be as dead.

“The Hebrew Hammer,” (will there ever be a time when that nickname is not funny?) Al Rosen died at the spry age of 91.

Rosen was a standout third baseman for the Cleveland Indians… which means that he was a wasted talent.  I mean, the Indians?  They made a movie that revolves around the total suckieness of the Cleveland Indians.  And a sequel.

Early in life, Rosen was an amateur boxer, and had a reputation for standing up to anyone who dared insult his ancestry.  But a man gets tired of beating up assholes all day long.  So he started playing baseball in Canada because… why not Canada?

Upon leading the Canadian-American League in home runs (16) and RBIs (86), while batting .323, he was bestowed his idol Hank Greenberg’s nickname, “The Hebrew Hammer.”  But this nickname had nothing to do with baseball.  It came from the ladies… see, his bat is not the hammer.

(…the hammer is his penis)

In the American major leagues, he dealt with a lot of anti-semitism, and he was not going to stand for it.  Once a White Sox opponent called him a “Jew bastard”. An angry Rosen striding belligerently to the dugout and challenging the “son of a bitch” to a fight.  The asshole pussied out on him.

Rosen challenged another opposing player who had slurred his religion to fight him under the stands. And during a game,

They had to doctor his baseball card to make it look like a bat.

when Red Sox bench player Matt Batts taunted Rosen with anti-Semitic names, Rosen called time and left his position on the field to confront Batts.  Hank Greenberg recalled that Rosen “wanted to go into the stands and murder” fans who hurled anti-Semitic insults at him.

So in the end: this guy was a frickin’ BAD-ASS!  He was awesome!  He didn’t take no shit from no one!  Where was he in WWII?  He once said, “There’s a time that you let it be known that enough is enough. . . . You flatten ‘em.”  Go Hammer!

After retiring in 1956 Rosen became a stockbroker and for 22 years, he was known as the “Hebrew Financial Planner.”  The nickname isn’t as glamorous, but you gotta admit, it’s much more fiscally responsible.

In 1978, his bank traded his soul to the Devil and he became the President and CEO of the New York Yankees.  So much for his bad-assery….

This hit goes to… the only person who would have drafted Al Rosen: Bean!  He breaks the 100 point barrier.  Meanwhile…

Nancy Reagan, somehow, continues to live.

Happy pooling,

SPMI

Current Standings:

Jami: 120 – (Diem Brown – 70, Sam Simon – 50)

Tailgating with Jesus: 100 – (Jean Béliveau – 20, Ernie Banks – 20, Jerry Tarkanian – 20, Minnie Minoso -10, Al Rosen – 10)

Anne: 70 – (Lesley Gore – 40, Joe Cocker – 30)

Gianna: 70 – (Ahmad “Real” Givens – 70)

Occupy the Casket: 60 – (Sir Terry Pratchett – 66)

Nikki: 60 – (Stuart Scott – 60)

I-Steve (a.k.a: The Arch-Bishop!): 40 – (Fiorenzo Angelini – 10, Jorge María Mejía – 10, Cardinal Karl Josef Becker – 20)

Fearless Ghoul Pool Administrator: 30 – (King Abdullah – 10, Joe Franklin – 20)

Anne: 30 – ()

Team Sushi: 30 – (Marion Barry – 30)

Babysitter: 20 – (Leonard Nimoy – 20)

Mostly Mike: 20 – (Ralph H Baer – 10, Edward W. Brooke III – 10)

The Girl on Fire: 20 – (Mario Cuomo – 20)

The Mortician’s Daughter:  10 – (“Little” Jimmy Dickens – 10)